Ang gusto ko lang naman ay mahalin ako. Hindi naman mahirap iyon. Mababaw lang ako. Hindi ko kailangan na dalhin sa pinakamalalayo't pinakamagagandang lugar sa mundo, basta alam kong gusto ako ng kasama ko, nasa langit na ako.
Ang gusto ko lang naman ay mahalin ako. Hindi ako guwapo. Hindi ako matipuno. Hindi ako matalino. Okay, matalino ako ng kaunti. Hindi rin ako maghahangad ng mga ganung tao. Basta ba tanggap mo ang mga topak ko, ang puso ko'y iyung-iyo.
Ang gusto ko lang naman ay mahalin ako. Hindi ko kailangan ng mamahaling regalo. Hindi ako maghahangad na ipakilala mo sa mundo. Hindi mo nga kailangang araw-araw kausapin ako. Basta hawak ko ang mga kamay mo, maligaya na ako.
Ang gusto ko lang naman ay mahalin ako. Hindi mo kailangang gustuhin ang mga pinagkakaabalahan ko. Hindi nga kita kukuliting basahin ang mga sinusulat ko. Hindi din kita pipiliting mahalin ang mga mahal ko. Basta papasukin mo ako sa mundo mo, okay nako.
Ang gusto ko lang naman ay mahalin ako. Hindi ako perpektong tao. Ako'y nagkakamali. Natutukso. Nabuburaot. Nababato. May pagka-ugaling manyakis din ako. Pagalitan mo man ako, basta ba kakampihan mo ako, pipilitin kong kahit papano'y magbago.
Ang gusto ko lang naman ay mahalin ako. Ipakita mong interesado ka. Iparamdam mong mahal mo ako. Yun lang ang kailangan mong gawin, mahuhulog na ako. Ang gusto ko lang naman ay mahalin ako.
***************
Engel wanted to write something different. He needs to make up for the five days that he's been gone from his blog. He's not being emo, nor does this post mean anything. But the words have been running in his head since this morning.
Engel doesn't write in Filipino very often. He has another venue for these kinds of posts. But he just wants to do something new.
Engel sucks at poetry, and this is his lame attempt at writing one.
Nov 11, 2009
Nov 10, 2009
WRITER'S BLOCK
It's been awhile, eh?
Please don't think that Engel hasn't been posting because of his newfound love. Oh no. He's got alot of ideas running in his mind right now about things he should write about. He's got rough drafts of some things he wants to talk about (not necessarily about his lovelife), but just can't finish, or when he reads the post back, the execution of the post is not as great as he intended it to be so he just deletes the whole thing.
He doesn't want to write about his love life, because apparently, Beki finds it nauseating. Don't take that seriously please, that's just a joke. All Engel wants is World Peace and a kick-ass home entertainment system.
Now he doesn't want to write about anything else going on in his life because frankly it's boring. Other than his lovelife nothing significant is happening in his life. Well, there's actually one thing but that's a post that will be written in the far future. Way far into the future. Like 2-3 years into the future.
He could write about sex, but that's something he promised never to do, whether it's in this blog or on another. He doesn't kiss and tell. He wants to though. Maybe he should create another new blog. For those kinds of posts. And this time make it really anonymous, and cross his fingers that that one really sticks.
Or maybe he could repost some of his old works here just to see if his posts back in the days would still be applicable now. But then again, alot of his good posts have been reposted already, on his multiply, myspace even in his same old blog. He doesn't want this blog to be home of his former posts. He wants this to have all new posts.
Then there's Joy. Engel is always fond of writing about Joy. He's not in love with the guy anymore, it's just posts about Joy tend to be easy and light and comfortable. But he doesn't want a certain someone to get jealous. We're just friends.
Please don't think that Engel hasn't been posting because of his newfound love. Oh no. He's got alot of ideas running in his mind right now about things he should write about. He's got rough drafts of some things he wants to talk about (not necessarily about his lovelife), but just can't finish, or when he reads the post back, the execution of the post is not as great as he intended it to be so he just deletes the whole thing.
He doesn't want to write about his love life, because apparently, Beki finds it nauseating. Don't take that seriously please, that's just a joke. All Engel wants is World Peace and a kick-ass home entertainment system.
Now he doesn't want to write about anything else going on in his life because frankly it's boring. Other than his lovelife nothing significant is happening in his life. Well, there's actually one thing but that's a post that will be written in the far future. Way far into the future. Like 2-3 years into the future.
He could write about sex, but that's something he promised never to do, whether it's in this blog or on another. He doesn't kiss and tell. He wants to though. Maybe he should create another new blog. For those kinds of posts. And this time make it really anonymous, and cross his fingers that that one really sticks.
Or maybe he could repost some of his old works here just to see if his posts back in the days would still be applicable now. But then again, alot of his good posts have been reposted already, on his multiply, myspace even in his same old blog. He doesn't want this blog to be home of his former posts. He wants this to have all new posts.
Then there's Joy. Engel is always fond of writing about Joy. He's not in love with the guy anymore, it's just posts about Joy tend to be easy and light and comfortable. But he doesn't want a certain someone to get jealous. We're just friends.
What to write? What to write?
Writer's block. Wikipedia defines this as a condition, in which the author loses the ability to produce new work. Yeah, right writer's block his ass. Engel's probably still in love. Yeah Beki, you can go ahead and puke. =)
Nov 7, 2009
BAKIT MASAYA MAGING BLOGGER
Ito na ang aking 4th anniversary post. Apat na taong gulang na ang gillboard.blogspot na site!!!
Sa totoo lang, hindi magtatagal ng ganito ang blog na ito kung hindi ako naging masaya o maligaya sa mga pinaggagagawa ko. Noong una, itinayo ko ito dahil lang sa bored ako sa trabaho ko. Ayaw ko noon magpost na ng mga blog sa friendster dahil nababasa ng boss ko yung mga sinusulat ko (dahil minsan ko nang pinuna ang pag-iingles niya doon at nabasa niya ito).
Masaya maging blogger. Masarap. Maraming sorpresa. Basta. Hindi siya para sa lahat, pero doon sa mga matitiyaga at masisipag maraming rewards din naman ang makukuha sa pagiging blogger.
1. PANTANGGAL STRESS
Dito mo mailalabas lahat ng galit mo sa mundo. Sa boss mong inutil. Sa kaibigang tanga. Sa magulang na makulit. Sa mga kaaway na walang alam gawin sa buhay kundi bwisitin ka. Sa mundo. Kung hindi mo kayang isigaw ang galit mo, dito mo ito mailalabas. Makakahanap ka pa ng kakampi. Merong mangangaral, pero karamihan naman sa kanila ay maiintindihan ka. Malalaman mo pang madalas, hindi ka nag-iisa. At syempre, maraming blogger din sa mundo na makulit. Kaya kung blog hopper ka, marami kang makikilalang mga makukulit na mga kagaya ko (talagang ako ang example... hahaha).
2. MAY MGA PERKS
Ni minsan hindi pa ako nakakatikim ng libre dahil isa akong blogger (sayang yung sa Phillips, di kasi ako umattend), pero ang mga bloggers ay isa na ring target demographic ng ilang mga consumer brands. So kung sikat ka, pwede kang ayain para matikman ang pagkain nila para ireview mo sa blog mo. Madalas pa nga, mayroong mga tao na nagtatayo ng blog para lang kumita. Di naman maitatanggi, meron naman talagang kumikita dito. Pero dahil tradisyunal na blogger ako, itaga sa bato, hindi ko gagawing business ang blog na ito. Ang punto ko lang naman, mayroong mga perks din ang pagiging blogger.
3. HINDI KA MABOBOBO
Kung wala kang trabaho. Kung wala kang tinatrabaho sa 'yong trabaho. Kung wala kang pasok. O kung wala kang ginagawa sa mundo. Kung blogger ka, sigurado kang hindi ka mabobobo. Kasi pag nagsusulat ka, ginagamit mo utak mo. Hindi ito naghahibernate. At kung bumibisita ka naman sa ibang mga blog, marami kang natututunan. Minsan pa nga, para sa akin, eto ang means ko para makabalita ng mga nangyayari sa mundo. Kung ano ba ang uso. Sino ang sikat. Anong huling balita sa Bahay ni Kuya.
4. MAAAPPRECIATE ANG TALENTO MO
Kung ikaw ay isang photographer, pwede mong ipost ang mga litrato mo, at tiyak ako mayroong magkukumento dito. Kung mahusay kang magsulat ng kwento, maraming blogger ang mambobola sa'yo na pwede ka nang magsulat para sa telebisyon (kahit di nila binasa ng buo yung kwento mo). Kung mahilig kang sumulat ng tula, may pagkakataon pang mainlove sa'yo ang mga mambabasa mo. Ang blog naman libre sa lahat. Manunulat, photographer, artista, pulitiko, pokpok basta ba gusto mo magshare ng buhay mo sa mundo, malaya kang gawin ito. Sooner or later meron ding makakapansin sa talento mo.
5. MARAMING MAKIKILALANG BAGONG KAIBIGAN
Ito na marahil ang dahilan kung bakit ako nagtatagal sa mundong ito. Marami akong nakilalang mga bagong kaibigan dahil sa pagbablog. Kahit pa sabihin nating tatlo o apat pa lang ang talagang nakikita ko, kahit sa mga kumento lang, at sa mga nababasa ko sa mga post nila, nagiging kakilala at nagiging feeling close ako sa kanila. Palaging merong something na magkatulad kayo. Ang palitan ng kumento, mapupunta sa palitan ng ym. Di niyo na lang mapapansin nagkakape na kayo. At kung suswertehin ka pa, maaaring dito mo rin makilala ang mamahalin mo at ang taong magmamahal sa'yo.
Kaya siguro, kahit na ilang beses ko gawing magpaalam sa blog na ito, palagi pa rin akong bumabalik. Masaya kasing maging isang blogger. Lalo pa ngayong lumalaki ang network of friends ko.
****************
Ako nga pala ay muling magpapasalamat sa lahat ng bumisita, nagbasa, nagfollow, naglink, dumaan, nagkomento, nag-ayang makipagdate, napadpad dito dahil ginoogle ang salitang j@ck0l, umaway at nakipagdebate sa akin dito sa blog na ito.
Pasensya po kung hindi ako masyado nakakadaan na ngayon or kung hindi ko nauupdate yung blogroll ko. Iwan ninyo sa comments kung wala pa kayo dito, gagawin ko siya sa Lunes.
Four years. Wow. Inuugat nako dito sa blogspot.
Sa totoo lang, hindi magtatagal ng ganito ang blog na ito kung hindi ako naging masaya o maligaya sa mga pinaggagagawa ko. Noong una, itinayo ko ito dahil lang sa bored ako sa trabaho ko. Ayaw ko noon magpost na ng mga blog sa friendster dahil nababasa ng boss ko yung mga sinusulat ko (dahil minsan ko nang pinuna ang pag-iingles niya doon at nabasa niya ito).
Masaya maging blogger. Masarap. Maraming sorpresa. Basta. Hindi siya para sa lahat, pero doon sa mga matitiyaga at masisipag maraming rewards din naman ang makukuha sa pagiging blogger.
1. PANTANGGAL STRESS
Dito mo mailalabas lahat ng galit mo sa mundo. Sa boss mong inutil. Sa kaibigang tanga. Sa magulang na makulit. Sa mga kaaway na walang alam gawin sa buhay kundi bwisitin ka. Sa mundo. Kung hindi mo kayang isigaw ang galit mo, dito mo ito mailalabas. Makakahanap ka pa ng kakampi. Merong mangangaral, pero karamihan naman sa kanila ay maiintindihan ka. Malalaman mo pang madalas, hindi ka nag-iisa. At syempre, maraming blogger din sa mundo na makulit. Kaya kung blog hopper ka, marami kang makikilalang mga makukulit na mga kagaya ko (talagang ako ang example... hahaha).
2. MAY MGA PERKS
Ni minsan hindi pa ako nakakatikim ng libre dahil isa akong blogger (sayang yung sa Phillips, di kasi ako umattend), pero ang mga bloggers ay isa na ring target demographic ng ilang mga consumer brands. So kung sikat ka, pwede kang ayain para matikman ang pagkain nila para ireview mo sa blog mo. Madalas pa nga, mayroong mga tao na nagtatayo ng blog para lang kumita. Di naman maitatanggi, meron naman talagang kumikita dito. Pero dahil tradisyunal na blogger ako, itaga sa bato, hindi ko gagawing business ang blog na ito. Ang punto ko lang naman, mayroong mga perks din ang pagiging blogger.
3. HINDI KA MABOBOBO
Kung wala kang trabaho. Kung wala kang tinatrabaho sa 'yong trabaho. Kung wala kang pasok. O kung wala kang ginagawa sa mundo. Kung blogger ka, sigurado kang hindi ka mabobobo. Kasi pag nagsusulat ka, ginagamit mo utak mo. Hindi ito naghahibernate. At kung bumibisita ka naman sa ibang mga blog, marami kang natututunan. Minsan pa nga, para sa akin, eto ang means ko para makabalita ng mga nangyayari sa mundo. Kung ano ba ang uso. Sino ang sikat. Anong huling balita sa Bahay ni Kuya.
4. MAAAPPRECIATE ANG TALENTO MO
Kung ikaw ay isang photographer, pwede mong ipost ang mga litrato mo, at tiyak ako mayroong magkukumento dito. Kung mahusay kang magsulat ng kwento, maraming blogger ang mambobola sa'yo na pwede ka nang magsulat para sa telebisyon (kahit di nila binasa ng buo yung kwento mo). Kung mahilig kang sumulat ng tula, may pagkakataon pang mainlove sa'yo ang mga mambabasa mo. Ang blog naman libre sa lahat. Manunulat, photographer, artista, pulitiko, pokpok basta ba gusto mo magshare ng buhay mo sa mundo, malaya kang gawin ito. Sooner or later meron ding makakapansin sa talento mo.
5. MARAMING MAKIKILALANG BAGONG KAIBIGAN
Ito na marahil ang dahilan kung bakit ako nagtatagal sa mundong ito. Marami akong nakilalang mga bagong kaibigan dahil sa pagbablog. Kahit pa sabihin nating tatlo o apat pa lang ang talagang nakikita ko, kahit sa mga kumento lang, at sa mga nababasa ko sa mga post nila, nagiging kakilala at nagiging feeling close ako sa kanila. Palaging merong something na magkatulad kayo. Ang palitan ng kumento, mapupunta sa palitan ng ym. Di niyo na lang mapapansin nagkakape na kayo. At kung suswertehin ka pa, maaaring dito mo rin makilala ang mamahalin mo at ang taong magmamahal sa'yo.
Kaya siguro, kahit na ilang beses ko gawing magpaalam sa blog na ito, palagi pa rin akong bumabalik. Masaya kasing maging isang blogger. Lalo pa ngayong lumalaki ang network of friends ko.
****************
Ako nga pala ay muling magpapasalamat sa lahat ng bumisita, nagbasa, nagfollow, naglink, dumaan, nagkomento, nag-ayang makipagdate, napadpad dito dahil ginoogle ang salitang j@ck0l, umaway at nakipagdebate sa akin dito sa blog na ito.
Pasensya po kung hindi ako masyado nakakadaan na ngayon or kung hindi ko nauupdate yung blogroll ko. Iwan ninyo sa comments kung wala pa kayo dito, gagawin ko siya sa Lunes.
Four years. Wow. Inuugat nako dito sa blogspot.
Nov 5, 2009
SCATTERED THOUGHTS II
This is not a cheese post. Not entirely.
******************
Recently, Engel's been scouring youtube to find videos of Vice Ganda. He's seen the stand-up comic on tv and he's really impressed. But his live shows are just hilarious. Engel's mother almost dialed the mental institution to have her son picked up because he just can't stop laughing whenever he remembers scenes from clips posted online. Have you seen the one with JJ Helderbrand (spellcheck please)? That was comedy gold.
******************
Last weekend, Engel hit another low when it comes to his comic book expenses. Believe it or not, Engel bought P4000 worth of comic books in just one purchase. That's a month's worth of comic books in one day. Darn you Marvel and DC for your Blackest Nights and Old Man Logans and all your expensive comic books!!!
******************
Engel have been hearing some things about what people have been saying about his blog. He's flattered that some people have taken interest in his blog, as well as it's writer. But he thinks it's not really well-deserved. He admits, what he's hearing gives him a little ego boost, but that also means he's just setting up people for a huge disappointment.
He thinks Engel's barely anonymous anymore. He knows at least three people who's already know of his other personality. There's probably more, but you know what, that's fine.
******************
By the way, last night Engel saw ABS-CBN's latest Station ID plug, and the whole time he was keeping his tearducts in check. The message was really moving. He knows that this has been a hard year for us Filipinos, specially those who were hit by all the typhoons that menaced the country. Engel especially loved the song. It was really nice and very appropriate for the season.
******************
Engel and his beau's planning to spend Saturday at his home. Incidentally, that day's his father's birthday.
Now his parents have been noticing that he's a bit blooming these past few days. He spends most of the day inside his room instead of in front of the computer, so they smelled something fishy with their son.
Anyway, forgetting the event on Saturday asked his parents to cook something special on that day. His father then asked if Engel's bringing a girl on his birthday. He actually asked Engel when he plans to have a family and give him a grandson/daughter.
"Good luck" was all he could say. "I'm bringing home a guy friend."
And now some more relatives from the province will be visiting as well on that day. Fuck!!!
Let's see what will happen then. It's gonna be screwed up.
"Mahal, thank god for our breakfast dates."
******************
Recently, Engel's been scouring youtube to find videos of Vice Ganda. He's seen the stand-up comic on tv and he's really impressed. But his live shows are just hilarious. Engel's mother almost dialed the mental institution to have her son picked up because he just can't stop laughing whenever he remembers scenes from clips posted online. Have you seen the one with JJ Helderbrand (spellcheck please)? That was comedy gold.
******************
Last weekend, Engel hit another low when it comes to his comic book expenses. Believe it or not, Engel bought P4000 worth of comic books in just one purchase. That's a month's worth of comic books in one day. Darn you Marvel and DC for your Blackest Nights and Old Man Logans and all your expensive comic books!!!
******************
Engel have been hearing some things about what people have been saying about his blog. He's flattered that some people have taken interest in his blog, as well as it's writer. But he thinks it's not really well-deserved. He admits, what he's hearing gives him a little ego boost, but that also means he's just setting up people for a huge disappointment.
He thinks Engel's barely anonymous anymore. He knows at least three people who's already know of his other personality. There's probably more, but you know what, that's fine.
******************
By the way, last night Engel saw ABS-CBN's latest Station ID plug, and the whole time he was keeping his tearducts in check. The message was really moving. He knows that this has been a hard year for us Filipinos, specially those who were hit by all the typhoons that menaced the country. Engel especially loved the song. It was really nice and very appropriate for the season.
******************
Engel and his beau's planning to spend Saturday at his home. Incidentally, that day's his father's birthday.
Now his parents have been noticing that he's a bit blooming these past few days. He spends most of the day inside his room instead of in front of the computer, so they smelled something fishy with their son.
Anyway, forgetting the event on Saturday asked his parents to cook something special on that day. His father then asked if Engel's bringing a girl on his birthday. He actually asked Engel when he plans to have a family and give him a grandson/daughter.
"Good luck" was all he could say. "I'm bringing home a guy friend."
And now some more relatives from the province will be visiting as well on that day. Fuck!!!
Let's see what will happen then. It's gonna be screwed up.
"Mahal, thank god for our breakfast dates."
Nov 3, 2009
CONFESSIONS OF AN EX-SINGLE GUY
To be honest, before when I read fellow bloggers (whether from my straight blog friend or here) write about meeting the one, falling in love, or being happy with their relationships, I get jealous. Sometimes I wish they fell in love with me. I don't know these bloggers, but when you read the words they utter because of what their hearts dictate, you can't help but get attracted. The guy/girl they liked are lucky. I wished it was me.
A few weeks back I posted longing to write about my love life while I'm in the middle of that love life. I didn't think it would happen so soon. Not that I'm not happy that finally God gave me something I've been praying for since I discovered St. Jude, because I am. I'm very happy. I have nothing more to ask for.
But it happened very fast, what we have, and I'm lying if I say that I'm not worried about us. Most of my failed relationships were whirlwind romances, and this one is almost the same. We exchanged messages, had a long phone conversation, exchanged social networking site addresses, and before we knew it we were calling each other 'mahal.'
I really want this to be different. God knows I want this to work out. I want him to be my last.
I've been single for the longest time in my life, and honestly I really am not familiar anymore how to do this. How to be a good boyfriend. Should I say this? Should I do that?
Meeting up with him this morning was really terrifying for me. Our first 'date' and I'm not going to make a good impression to him. I looked lousy. My face was oily, my hands sweaty. I didn't sleep long the day before. We ate at Jollibee, and as much as I'd like to hold his hand earlier, we were both scared we're showing public display of affection. I thought this is it, he'll change his mind about me.
I need help. I honestly don't know what I'm doing. I'm not doubting this relationship. I trust him. I love him. I just wish he would be patient with me because I don't think I'll ever be a perfect boyfriend. I'm pretty sure there will be days I will totally fuck up. That I'll be really messed up. But I hope he will understand. I hope he will still stay. And that he'll love me just as much as I do him.
I jumped into this relationship because every voice inside my head is telling me to just run ahead. Just do it. He is worth the risk.
I hope I'm worth his.
A few weeks back I posted longing to write about my love life while I'm in the middle of that love life. I didn't think it would happen so soon. Not that I'm not happy that finally God gave me something I've been praying for since I discovered St. Jude, because I am. I'm very happy. I have nothing more to ask for.
But it happened very fast, what we have, and I'm lying if I say that I'm not worried about us. Most of my failed relationships were whirlwind romances, and this one is almost the same. We exchanged messages, had a long phone conversation, exchanged social networking site addresses, and before we knew it we were calling each other 'mahal.'
I really want this to be different. God knows I want this to work out. I want him to be my last.
I've been single for the longest time in my life, and honestly I really am not familiar anymore how to do this. How to be a good boyfriend. Should I say this? Should I do that?
Meeting up with him this morning was really terrifying for me. Our first 'date' and I'm not going to make a good impression to him. I looked lousy. My face was oily, my hands sweaty. I didn't sleep long the day before. We ate at Jollibee, and as much as I'd like to hold his hand earlier, we were both scared we're showing public display of affection. I thought this is it, he'll change his mind about me.
I need help. I honestly don't know what I'm doing. I'm not doubting this relationship. I trust him. I love him. I just wish he would be patient with me because I don't think I'll ever be a perfect boyfriend. I'm pretty sure there will be days I will totally fuck up. That I'll be really messed up. But I hope he will understand. I hope he will still stay. And that he'll love me just as much as I do him.
I jumped into this relationship because every voice inside my head is telling me to just run ahead. Just do it. He is worth the risk.
I hope I'm worth his.
Nov 2, 2009
I CAN'T WAIT...
to wake up every morning to your I love you's.
to talk to you everyday before i go to sleep and before I go to work.
for making up after a petty quarrel about forgetting our anniversary.
to go out on dates with you.
for you to meet my family, and me yours.
for our out of town trips.
to make our relationship last longer than the longest ones we had.
to cuddle up with you during cold nights.
to share an umbrella with you when we go out.
to talk to you even if the words coming out of our lines are 'uhmm', 'ha', and 'ano'.
to kiss you, to hug you and to just be with you.
*********
Today marks the day Engel ends his single days. He's finally in a relationship. It may have been a whirlwind relationship, but they both agreed that they'll make things work. He knows Engel. Engel knows him.
He likes it. Engel loves him.
He prays that he's the one, and this time it will work.
to talk to you everyday before i go to sleep and before I go to work.
for making up after a petty quarrel about forgetting our anniversary.
to go out on dates with you.
for you to meet my family, and me yours.
for our out of town trips.
to make our relationship last longer than the longest ones we had.
to cuddle up with you during cold nights.
to share an umbrella with you when we go out.
to talk to you even if the words coming out of our lines are 'uhmm', 'ha', and 'ano'.
to kiss you, to hug you and to just be with you.
*********
Today marks the day Engel ends his single days. He's finally in a relationship. It may have been a whirlwind relationship, but they both agreed that they'll make things work. He knows Engel. Engel knows him.
He likes it. Engel loves him.
He prays that he's the one, and this time it will work.
MULTIPLE CHOICE
Anong meron ang happy Gillboard?
Mahulaan niyo kaya?
*************
Tama din pala yung anibersaryo ng blog na ito... Pero mas may tamang sagot pa dun sa dalawang yun.
- Maraming pera dahil nanalo sa lotto.
- Mas maraming pera dahil napromote.
- Anak. Nakabuntis ng babae, kahit hindi niya syota.
- Nakabili ng bagong DSLR.
- Lalabas ulit ng Pilipinas.
- May inspirasyon at nagpapaligaya sa kanya.
- Nakabili siya ng hardbound copy ng Old Man Logan.
- Mag-aapat na taon na sa isang linggo itong blog na ito.
- Nakascore siya kagabi.
- May nagbabasa sa dalawang blog niya.
Mahulaan niyo kaya?
*************
Tama din pala yung anibersaryo ng blog na ito... Pero mas may tamang sagot pa dun sa dalawang yun.
Nov 1, 2009
NOT SO YOUNG ANYMORE
Engel has long ago accepted the fact that he's missed on alot of things that young people often enjoy. When he was younger, he didn't go bar hopping, unplanned out of town trips, fooling around with strangers, promiscuity, wild crazy things that young people do.
He's not saying he's old. He's only 27. Barely in the prime of his life. But because he was too focused on his job so much when he was younger, he forgot to live.
You see ever since he started school, he's actually become more of an introvert. He's often aloof when strangers are around. He can't initiate small talk. He's basically shy. So even if his friends thought he was cool to hang around with, they oftentimes assume that Engel wouldn't be comfortable going with them to places they'll be treading. And he probably won't, but he felt it would've been nice to be asked.
Now that he's shifted his career, and his responsibilities aren't as heavy as when he held a higher position at work, he decided to balance his work and his life. While his current schedule does not permit him to have a normal social life, he makes sure that during his free time on weekends, if he is invited to go out with his friends, he will.
That's what he did tonight. He went to a restaurant in Makati, then to a bar in Ortigas. Makati was fine. It wasn't as crowded as he expected. People probably didn't feel the need to go out because of the storm the previous evening. The dinner was great. He met a few new people and hung out with some good friends he haven't seen in a long time.
But when he went to Ortigas, the mood was totally different. Instead of yuppies enjoying the weekend, the bar they went to was crowded with college students looking for a cool place to hang out after partying a few hours before. The place was loud, booming with music he's never accustomed to. At that instant he felt old. Like he doesn't belong.
Engel likes to hang out. He's been to Embassy before. When Temple was still open in Greenbelt, he'd be seen there with his friends. He's even braved Decades in his lonesome. But this was the first time he really felt like a wallflower. This isn't his crowd anymore.
He's grown up. He'd rather hang out and have coffee and long talks rather than drink alcohol and dance. He actually didn't even drink beer this evening, he only had a couple of iced teas.
Then he thought, this is the life Christian lives right now. Can he go with this kind of pace if he decides to pursue something with the kid other than friendship? Does he even fit in anymore with this kind of crowd? Why the hell is he thinking of Christian right now when there are a whole gaggle of eye candies moving back and forth where he was sitting? And why does he feel he's not that young anymore? Why did he even allow himself to miss out on these things before?
At 27, Engel knows he has to start acting his age. But then again he's just making up for the things he's missed while he was too busy growing up.
He's not saying he's old. He's only 27. Barely in the prime of his life. But because he was too focused on his job so much when he was younger, he forgot to live.
You see ever since he started school, he's actually become more of an introvert. He's often aloof when strangers are around. He can't initiate small talk. He's basically shy. So even if his friends thought he was cool to hang around with, they oftentimes assume that Engel wouldn't be comfortable going with them to places they'll be treading. And he probably won't, but he felt it would've been nice to be asked.
Now that he's shifted his career, and his responsibilities aren't as heavy as when he held a higher position at work, he decided to balance his work and his life. While his current schedule does not permit him to have a normal social life, he makes sure that during his free time on weekends, if he is invited to go out with his friends, he will.
That's what he did tonight. He went to a restaurant in Makati, then to a bar in Ortigas. Makati was fine. It wasn't as crowded as he expected. People probably didn't feel the need to go out because of the storm the previous evening. The dinner was great. He met a few new people and hung out with some good friends he haven't seen in a long time.
But when he went to Ortigas, the mood was totally different. Instead of yuppies enjoying the weekend, the bar they went to was crowded with college students looking for a cool place to hang out after partying a few hours before. The place was loud, booming with music he's never accustomed to. At that instant he felt old. Like he doesn't belong.
Engel likes to hang out. He's been to Embassy before. When Temple was still open in Greenbelt, he'd be seen there with his friends. He's even braved Decades in his lonesome. But this was the first time he really felt like a wallflower. This isn't his crowd anymore.
He's grown up. He'd rather hang out and have coffee and long talks rather than drink alcohol and dance. He actually didn't even drink beer this evening, he only had a couple of iced teas.
Then he thought, this is the life Christian lives right now. Can he go with this kind of pace if he decides to pursue something with the kid other than friendship? Does he even fit in anymore with this kind of crowd? Why the hell is he thinking of Christian right now when there are a whole gaggle of eye candies moving back and forth where he was sitting? And why does he feel he's not that young anymore? Why did he even allow himself to miss out on these things before?
At 27, Engel knows he has to start acting his age. But then again he's just making up for the things he's missed while he was too busy growing up.
Oct 30, 2009
THREE MONTHS
Three months.
That's how old this blog is.
And in that whole time, I have been sharing things about my life that I wasn't able to when I was still writing for my other blog. It's liberating. I like that I could be myself and not worry that people will judge me.
I opted not to share with my old blog friends this new home because honestly even if I have acquainted myself with alot of them, the truth is, I really don't know those people. I've been writing as a straight guy for years. Some of them have even rooted for me when I blogged about me courting or dating someone. I can't tell those people that I wasn't totally honest.
When I started this blog, I initially decided to just keep it to myself, let other bloggers who are like me find this one out to avoid having people from my other home read about this. I doubt that they'll be able to recognize my style as it is 180 degrees different from the way I write before. There have been times that those people stumble here, others just passed by, some stayed. And then there are those whom I still followed confident they won't really recognize who I was. But then there are days that I slip up. Commenting as the new guy but writing as the old me. Signs that I'm growing older.
In the three months of Engel's existence, I've met alot of wonderful people. I have learned alot. I wouldn't be sharing my challenges, my problems and my experiences if I feel that I'm not gaining anything from it. Some of things I've learned may have given me regrets in some of the decisions I've made. But no matter, what's important is I understand things better and I appreciate this alternative lifestyle a bit more.
And for that I thank everyone who's followed. Commented. Visited. Those who said I was interesting. Those who unfollowed. Those who hopped and never came back. Those who asked to exchange links but did not do their end of the bargain. Basically everyone who bumped into this little site of mine and found it worth a glimpse, a read and eventually worth coming back to. I am humbled and I appreciate all of you. I hope I'll be able to meet you in person.
I said I'll write only in bits and pieces, but I think I've shared too much already. I don't really know what to tell anymore.
There are still alot of things I'm eager to learn. I want to discover. This blog will be a part of it. I hope you will be too.
Three months. I've enjoyed the ride so far.
That's how old this blog is.
And in that whole time, I have been sharing things about my life that I wasn't able to when I was still writing for my other blog. It's liberating. I like that I could be myself and not worry that people will judge me.
I opted not to share with my old blog friends this new home because honestly even if I have acquainted myself with alot of them, the truth is, I really don't know those people. I've been writing as a straight guy for years. Some of them have even rooted for me when I blogged about me courting or dating someone. I can't tell those people that I wasn't totally honest.
When I started this blog, I initially decided to just keep it to myself, let other bloggers who are like me find this one out to avoid having people from my other home read about this. I doubt that they'll be able to recognize my style as it is 180 degrees different from the way I write before. There have been times that those people stumble here, others just passed by, some stayed. And then there are those whom I still followed confident they won't really recognize who I was. But then there are days that I slip up. Commenting as the new guy but writing as the old me. Signs that I'm growing older.
In the three months of Engel's existence, I've met alot of wonderful people. I have learned alot. I wouldn't be sharing my challenges, my problems and my experiences if I feel that I'm not gaining anything from it. Some of things I've learned may have given me regrets in some of the decisions I've made. But no matter, what's important is I understand things better and I appreciate this alternative lifestyle a bit more.
And for that I thank everyone who's followed. Commented. Visited. Those who said I was interesting. Those who unfollowed. Those who hopped and never came back. Those who asked to exchange links but did not do their end of the bargain. Basically everyone who bumped into this little site of mine and found it worth a glimpse, a read and eventually worth coming back to. I am humbled and I appreciate all of you. I hope I'll be able to meet you in person.
I said I'll write only in bits and pieces, but I think I've shared too much already. I don't really know what to tell anymore.
There are still alot of things I'm eager to learn. I want to discover. This blog will be a part of it. I hope you will be too.
Three months. I've enjoyed the ride so far.
Oct 29, 2009
KWENTONG HALLOWEEN
Ang sabi nila doon sa lote na kinatatayuan ng bahay namin may nakatirang ilang mga espiritung hanggang ngayon ay hindi pa nakikita ang liwanag. Paano, napakatahimik sa bahay namin, lalo na pag wala ako sa bahay. Binubuksan lang ng nanay ko ang tv kapag Wowowee na o kaya nama'y Big Brother Uber na yung palabas.
Sabi ng may "third eye" na napapadaan sa amin, meron daw matandang lalake sa harap ng bintana ng lumang bahay namin. Minsan daw merong bata na nakaupo doon sa may terrace sa ikatlong palapag ng bagong bahay namin. Tapos kung saan saan pa.
Paminsan-minsan, kapag ako'y umaakyat na patungo ko sa kwarto, makakaaninag ako ng babae sa may pintuan ng banyo. O kaya'y makikita ko sa gilid ng mata ko minsa'y may batang nakaupo sa hagdanan namin. Maaaring guni-guni lang ng pagod kong mata kakacomputer ang nakikita ko. Pero dahil tatlo lang kami ng mga magulang ko sa bahay kaya hindi na ako nagtatanong kung ano yun. Baka tabihan pa ako sa pagtulog ko.
*************
Nagsimula akong makaramdam noong bata pa ako.
Noong buhay pa ang pinsan ko, madalas siyang nanggugulat. Tatalon sa kama namin sabay mangingiliti. Mang-aasar lang. Namatay siya dahil nahulog sa condo unit na tinitirahan nila ng kapatid niya.
Ilang araw makalipas nang siya ay ilibing, madalas na siyang nagpaparamdam. Minsan, habang nanunuod ako ng tv, bigla na lang lulubog ang kama ko, na para bang may tumalon. Tapos, minsan habang pinipilit kong matulog, bigla na lang parang may tumatabi sa akin. Hindi ko nakikita, pero alam kong yun yung kuya ko, nagbabantay sakin.
**********
Bakasyon noong hayskul ako, at nagbababad sa telepono nang hatinggabi. Kausap ko ang kaklase ko, at nakikibalita sa mga kaganapan sa buhay-buhay nito.
Dahil hindi naman talaga ako makwento, tahimik lang ako na nakikinig sa mga pinuntahan ng kaibigan nang nagdaang linggo.
Gising na gising pa ako, at mulat sa lahat ng nangyayari sa paligid nang biglang hindi lang iisa ang naririnig kong nagsasalita. Sa kabilang tenga ko, may bumubulong ng kung anu-ano na hindi ko naiintindihan. Nanginig ako, at nabagsak ang telepono. Walang tao sa paligid.
Nang itanong ko sa kaklase kung may narinig siya, wala raw. Baka daw nakatulog lang ako. Pero alam kong gising na gising ako.
**********
Isang linggo pa lang akong natutulog sa bagong kwarto ko sa bagong bahay namin. Isang gabi, nanaginip ako ng masama.
Pilit kong ginigising ang sarili ko. Alam kong gising na ako, ang kulang na lang ay imulat ang mata, pero hindi ko magawa. Nararamdaman kong may nakapatong sa akin at pinipigilan akong bumangon at gumising. Alam kong madilim, pero may naaaninagan akong anino ng bata na hinihila ang mga paa at kamay kong pataas. Pero nakaupo siya sa dibdib ko. Naririnig ko yung
batang tumatawa.
Nagsimula akong magdasal ng Ama Namin. Ang bigat ng mata ko, pero salamat sa Diyos, naibuka ko ito.
Malakas ang bentilador, at malamig ang panahon, pero basang-basa ako ng pawis.
**********
Sa kwarto ng Tita ko madalas ako matulog kapag tag-init dahil yun lang yung kwartong may aircon.
Minsan, nagigising ako ng madaling araw dahil maingay sa labas ng bintana ko. Ang harap ng kwarto nila ay terrace.
Madalas akong nakakarinig ng mga batang naghahabulan sa labas ng bintana namin. Ni minsan, eh inisip kong kapitbahay lang ang mga ito, dahil kahit bakasyon, walang matinong bata ang maglalaro ng habulan alasdos ng madaling araw.
Hindi na ako bumabangon, at pinapatugtog ko na lang ang radyo ng telepono ko nang hindi na marinig ang mga bata sa labas ng bahay ko.
**********
Hindi ako nakakakita ng multo, at ni minsan hindi ko pinapangarap na makakita nito. Wala akong balak. Wala akong lakas-ng-loob. Pero minsan, sa gilid ng mata ko, may nakikita akong mga aninong gumagalaw, kahit ako lang mag-isa sa bahay.
Sabihin man nating hindi ako naniniwala sa mga multo, sadyang meron talagang mga bagay na magbibigay ng dahilan upang tayo ay magdalawang-isip.
Happy Halloween!!!
Sabi ng may "third eye" na napapadaan sa amin, meron daw matandang lalake sa harap ng bintana ng lumang bahay namin. Minsan daw merong bata na nakaupo doon sa may terrace sa ikatlong palapag ng bagong bahay namin. Tapos kung saan saan pa.
Paminsan-minsan, kapag ako'y umaakyat na patungo ko sa kwarto, makakaaninag ako ng babae sa may pintuan ng banyo. O kaya'y makikita ko sa gilid ng mata ko minsa'y may batang nakaupo sa hagdanan namin. Maaaring guni-guni lang ng pagod kong mata kakacomputer ang nakikita ko. Pero dahil tatlo lang kami ng mga magulang ko sa bahay kaya hindi na ako nagtatanong kung ano yun. Baka tabihan pa ako sa pagtulog ko.
*************
Nagsimula akong makaramdam noong bata pa ako.
Noong buhay pa ang pinsan ko, madalas siyang nanggugulat. Tatalon sa kama namin sabay mangingiliti. Mang-aasar lang. Namatay siya dahil nahulog sa condo unit na tinitirahan nila ng kapatid niya.
Ilang araw makalipas nang siya ay ilibing, madalas na siyang nagpaparamdam. Minsan, habang nanunuod ako ng tv, bigla na lang lulubog ang kama ko, na para bang may tumalon. Tapos, minsan habang pinipilit kong matulog, bigla na lang parang may tumatabi sa akin. Hindi ko nakikita, pero alam kong yun yung kuya ko, nagbabantay sakin.
**********
Bakasyon noong hayskul ako, at nagbababad sa telepono nang hatinggabi. Kausap ko ang kaklase ko, at nakikibalita sa mga kaganapan sa buhay-buhay nito.
Dahil hindi naman talaga ako makwento, tahimik lang ako na nakikinig sa mga pinuntahan ng kaibigan nang nagdaang linggo.
Gising na gising pa ako, at mulat sa lahat ng nangyayari sa paligid nang biglang hindi lang iisa ang naririnig kong nagsasalita. Sa kabilang tenga ko, may bumubulong ng kung anu-ano na hindi ko naiintindihan. Nanginig ako, at nabagsak ang telepono. Walang tao sa paligid.
Nang itanong ko sa kaklase kung may narinig siya, wala raw. Baka daw nakatulog lang ako. Pero alam kong gising na gising ako.
**********
Isang linggo pa lang akong natutulog sa bagong kwarto ko sa bagong bahay namin. Isang gabi, nanaginip ako ng masama.
Pilit kong ginigising ang sarili ko. Alam kong gising na ako, ang kulang na lang ay imulat ang mata, pero hindi ko magawa. Nararamdaman kong may nakapatong sa akin at pinipigilan akong bumangon at gumising. Alam kong madilim, pero may naaaninagan akong anino ng bata na hinihila ang mga paa at kamay kong pataas. Pero nakaupo siya sa dibdib ko. Naririnig ko yung
batang tumatawa.
Nagsimula akong magdasal ng Ama Namin. Ang bigat ng mata ko, pero salamat sa Diyos, naibuka ko ito.
Malakas ang bentilador, at malamig ang panahon, pero basang-basa ako ng pawis.
**********
Sa kwarto ng Tita ko madalas ako matulog kapag tag-init dahil yun lang yung kwartong may aircon.
Minsan, nagigising ako ng madaling araw dahil maingay sa labas ng bintana ko. Ang harap ng kwarto nila ay terrace.
Madalas akong nakakarinig ng mga batang naghahabulan sa labas ng bintana namin. Ni minsan, eh inisip kong kapitbahay lang ang mga ito, dahil kahit bakasyon, walang matinong bata ang maglalaro ng habulan alasdos ng madaling araw.
Hindi na ako bumabangon, at pinapatugtog ko na lang ang radyo ng telepono ko nang hindi na marinig ang mga bata sa labas ng bahay ko.
**********
Hindi ako nakakakita ng multo, at ni minsan hindi ko pinapangarap na makakita nito. Wala akong balak. Wala akong lakas-ng-loob. Pero minsan, sa gilid ng mata ko, may nakikita akong mga aninong gumagalaw, kahit ako lang mag-isa sa bahay.
Sabihin man nating hindi ako naniniwala sa mga multo, sadyang meron talagang mga bagay na magbibigay ng dahilan upang tayo ay magdalawang-isip.
Happy Halloween!!!
Oct 28, 2009
COULD BE
Reading back through the last post, Engel realized that there's probably something wrong with him. It may further prove that he might possibly be straight. It's actually annoying as he sometimes tell people that he's looking for 'the one'. But when a prospect comes along he's the first one running away from it.
Look at it this way. He cut his ties with one guy because he felt that that guy was only in it for the sex. Once he let go of a suitor because he started getting addicted to Final Fantasy 12. He stopped seeing a doctor who liked him because he thought the doctor wouldn't have time for him. He broke up with his officemate because he felt that the boy was too clingy, demanding and immature. And now, he decided to just be friends with this kid because he's well, a kid.
All of them crappy excuses. Bullshit.
Anyone would try to work things out if they felt there's something worth taking a risk. They'd even appreciate that someone fell for them. But not Engel. He'd push those who are getting close to him away. He analyzes things thinking it could be better when it's probably making things worse.
Engel didn't know why he did those things. He says one thing but does the opposite.
He didn't know why.
But it could be he does now.
Probably the reason why he does all those things.
Is because he's commitment-phobic.
Or he's just an idiot.
What do you think?
Look at it this way. He cut his ties with one guy because he felt that that guy was only in it for the sex. Once he let go of a suitor because he started getting addicted to Final Fantasy 12. He stopped seeing a doctor who liked him because he thought the doctor wouldn't have time for him. He broke up with his officemate because he felt that the boy was too clingy, demanding and immature. And now, he decided to just be friends with this kid because he's well, a kid.
All of them crappy excuses. Bullshit.
Anyone would try to work things out if they felt there's something worth taking a risk. They'd even appreciate that someone fell for them. But not Engel. He'd push those who are getting close to him away. He analyzes things thinking it could be better when it's probably making things worse.
Engel didn't know why he did those things. He says one thing but does the opposite.
He didn't know why.
But it could be he does now.
Probably the reason why he does all those things.
Is because he's commitment-phobic.
Or he's just an idiot.
What do you think?
Oct 26, 2009
MAY-DECEMBER
One of the rules I've set upon myself in terms of the people I pursue is to not fall for boys much younger than I am. This weekend I broke that rule.
I met Chris last Saturday night and we had a pretty lengthy phone conversation. He's 19 years old, a student and he said that at that moment he was straight. He has a girlfriend, but he was curious about an alternative lifestyle. So he had a few questions which wasn't uncommon for me because when I was the same age those were the questions I was asking myself.
So while being an older brother to the young padwan, I accidentally got the guy to fall for me. Towards the end of the conversation, things turned to something unexpected. He got confused. I'm sure when we started talking he was pretty confident about his sexuality, but by the end not only did I have him question his sexuality, I also made him fall for me. Worse, I fell for the kid.
I have had a bad experience with a kid. I was 23, he was 18 or 19. We rushed into the relationship because we liked how our conversation over the phone. It ended a couple of weeks later with the kid telling me that I have no knowledge of the word love. That was when I said no more kids. And I was doing pretty well. Until now.
Sunday morning I received a message from Chris telling me that he wasn't fully honest with all the details he gave me the night before. He was actually supposed to set me up with his friend as a prank. He said he didn't expect to feel how he felt for me. That wouldv'e been cue for me to let the kid go. But he said he was being honest because he wants to start things right between us.
Last night we had another conversation. I got to know him better. I liked him more, but I noticed he may not really be ready for this kind of lifestyle. I think I was actually pushing him to pursue me.
Anyway I woke up today feeling guilty about what I did last night. I was taking advantage of his confusion. That's not right. In the end, if I pursue the matter, he'd probably end up hating me. If it did work out, I probably would've had him half-baked. Whatever happens I think in the end one of us would end up with a broken heart.
Maybe I was thinking that if I did pursue him, given his situation, he's going to be my responsibility and I may not be ready to have to carry that burden.
This morning I said goodbye. It's probably the right thing to do. I just hate that it feels so wrong.
I did the right thing. Right?
I met Chris last Saturday night and we had a pretty lengthy phone conversation. He's 19 years old, a student and he said that at that moment he was straight. He has a girlfriend, but he was curious about an alternative lifestyle. So he had a few questions which wasn't uncommon for me because when I was the same age those were the questions I was asking myself.
So while being an older brother to the young padwan, I accidentally got the guy to fall for me. Towards the end of the conversation, things turned to something unexpected. He got confused. I'm sure when we started talking he was pretty confident about his sexuality, but by the end not only did I have him question his sexuality, I also made him fall for me. Worse, I fell for the kid.
I have had a bad experience with a kid. I was 23, he was 18 or 19. We rushed into the relationship because we liked how our conversation over the phone. It ended a couple of weeks later with the kid telling me that I have no knowledge of the word love. That was when I said no more kids. And I was doing pretty well. Until now.
Sunday morning I received a message from Chris telling me that he wasn't fully honest with all the details he gave me the night before. He was actually supposed to set me up with his friend as a prank. He said he didn't expect to feel how he felt for me. That wouldv'e been cue for me to let the kid go. But he said he was being honest because he wants to start things right between us.
Last night we had another conversation. I got to know him better. I liked him more, but I noticed he may not really be ready for this kind of lifestyle. I think I was actually pushing him to pursue me.
Anyway I woke up today feeling guilty about what I did last night. I was taking advantage of his confusion. That's not right. In the end, if I pursue the matter, he'd probably end up hating me. If it did work out, I probably would've had him half-baked. Whatever happens I think in the end one of us would end up with a broken heart.
Maybe I was thinking that if I did pursue him, given his situation, he's going to be my responsibility and I may not be ready to have to carry that burden.
This morning I said goodbye. It's probably the right thing to do. I just hate that it feels so wrong.
I did the right thing. Right?
Oct 25, 2009
LOLA
Alas sais ng umaga regular akong kumakain sa McDonald's sa kanto ng village namin.
Semi-suki ako ng kainan na ito dahil walang nagluluto sa bahay namin tuwing umaga. Pagdating ko mula trabaho sa umaga, nakahilata pa sa kama ang aking mga magulang. Alas-diyes na ang mga ito kung gumising.
Habang nag-aalmusal, dumating ang isang pares ng mag-ina. Matatanda na sila. Yung anak, maaaring nasa edad kwarenta na, habang ang nanay na akay-akay ay maaaring nasa sitenta na. Matanda na si lola at mukhang tuwang-tuwa ginawa para sa kanya ng anak.
"Oh ayan nanay ha. Kakain na tayo sa McDonald's! Alam ko gustung-gusto mo dito! Masaya ka ba nay?"
"Aba syempre naman hijo! Sayang di kasama si Ria."
"Nay natutulog pa po si Ria. Uuwian na lang natin ng pagkain yung apo niyo ha." paliwanag ng anak.
Hindi magkahawig ang mag-ina sa isip-isip ko. Mukhang may kaya ang lalake, habang mukhang nanggaling sa hirap ang ina. Mistisuhin ang anak na lalake habang morena naman ang ina. Bakas sa mukha ng ale na marami siyang pinagdaanan.
Umupo ang mag-ina sa lamesa sa aking tabi.
"Sandali lang nay ha. Mag-oorder lang ako. Gusto niyo po ng burger diba?"
"Salamat anak ha." ang sagot ng matanda.
At iniwan ang ina sa mesa. Ngumiti ako sa matanda habang sinisipsip ang orange juice sa aking baso.
"Ang bait niya 'no?" tanong sa akin ni lola.
"Opo." ang sago ko.
"Asawa siya ng anak ko. Kaya lang iniwan na niya kami. Kasama na niya ang tatay niya sa langit." nagbigay lamang ako ng isang malungkot na ngiti. Patuloy lamang ako sa pagkain ng aking almusal. Hinahayaan magkwento ang matanda.
Ilang saglit pa ay dumating na ang anak. "Eto nanay ha. Eto ang burger. Kumain na muna po kayo ha. Pupunta lang ako sa drugstore. Bibili lang po ako ng gamot para sa presyon ko ha. Diyan lang muna po kayo."
Dala-dala ang pagkaing marahil ay para sa kanyang anak. Nagmamadaling umalis ang lalake.
"Hijo," kalabit sa akin ng nanay, "samahan mo muna ako dito ha habang hindi pa dumarating ang anak ko ha?"
"Sige po lola." sabi ko.
"Alam mo si Andy mabait na bata yan," kanyang panimula habang nginunguya ang kanyang Sausage Muffin, "noong bagong magkasintahan sila ng anak ko hindi talaga ako boto sa kanya. Ayaw ko talaga sa kanya noon pero nagpursige siya para tanggapin ko siya. Nag-iisang anak ko lang kasi yung anak ko."
Nakikinig lang ako sa matanda. Malapit nang maubos ang pagkain ko. Pero dahil nangako akong sasamahan siya inisip kong bagalan na lang ang pagkain. Malapit lang naman yung drugstore, di siguro magtatagal yung Andy.
Pinakinggan ko ang mga kwento ni lola. Kung paano niya pinahirapan ang lalake habang nanliligaw pa ito sa anak. Na kahit madalas hindi magkasundo ang dalawa ay minahal pa rin ito ng manugang. Iba talaga ang gusto ng nanay para sa anak pero dahil nakita niyang mahal talaga niya ang manliligaw, tinanggap na din niya.
Marami pang kwento ang matanda at naubos na ang pagkain namin pero hindi pa dumarating si Andy.
"Lola, taga saan po ba kayo?" tanong ko.
"Naku. Malayo hijo. Hindi ako sanay sa Maynila. Taga Capiz talaga ako. Kung saan kami dito sa Maynila hindi ko alam. Basta mahaba yung biyahe namin kanina."
Bigla akong kinabahan. Ayokong maging malisyoso pero pinagdasal ko na sana mali yung iniisip ko. Sana mahaba lang ang pila sa drugstore. Tumingin ako sa relo ko. Halos isang oras ko na rin palang kasama si Lola.
Hindi ko naman siya pwedeng samahan ng matagal dahil inaantok na rin ako.
"Nay." buntong hininga ko. "kailangan ko na pong umuwi. Baka hanapin po ako ng magulang ko." paalam ko sa matanda.
Nalungkot si nanay. Naramdaman din niya siguro yung nararamdaman ko. Yung kaba. Gustuhin ko mang samahan si lola pero kailangan ko nang umalis. Iiwan na naman ang matanda.
Nilapitan ko yung isang crew ng kainan para mabantayan ang matanda. Pinakilala ko siya kay lola para samahan ito habang hinihintay ang manugang.
"Nanay, aalis na po ako. Malapit na po siguro bumalik si Andy. Medyo malayo po dito yung drugstore. Pasensya na po ha."
Hindi na nakikinig si Lola. Nakatingin lang sa pinagbalutan ng kanyang kinain.
Hindi ko maiwasang hindi tingnan si lola habang palabas ako. Parang nababasag ang puso ko sa bawat hakbang palayo sa kanya.
Sana mali ako. Sana balikan siya.
*************
Naisip ko lang kahapon, hindi lahat ng kumakain sa McDonald's masaya.
Semi-suki ako ng kainan na ito dahil walang nagluluto sa bahay namin tuwing umaga. Pagdating ko mula trabaho sa umaga, nakahilata pa sa kama ang aking mga magulang. Alas-diyes na ang mga ito kung gumising.
Habang nag-aalmusal, dumating ang isang pares ng mag-ina. Matatanda na sila. Yung anak, maaaring nasa edad kwarenta na, habang ang nanay na akay-akay ay maaaring nasa sitenta na. Matanda na si lola at mukhang tuwang-tuwa ginawa para sa kanya ng anak.
"Oh ayan nanay ha. Kakain na tayo sa McDonald's! Alam ko gustung-gusto mo dito! Masaya ka ba nay?"
"Aba syempre naman hijo! Sayang di kasama si Ria."
"Nay natutulog pa po si Ria. Uuwian na lang natin ng pagkain yung apo niyo ha." paliwanag ng anak.
Hindi magkahawig ang mag-ina sa isip-isip ko. Mukhang may kaya ang lalake, habang mukhang nanggaling sa hirap ang ina. Mistisuhin ang anak na lalake habang morena naman ang ina. Bakas sa mukha ng ale na marami siyang pinagdaanan.
Umupo ang mag-ina sa lamesa sa aking tabi.
"Sandali lang nay ha. Mag-oorder lang ako. Gusto niyo po ng burger diba?"
"Salamat anak ha." ang sagot ng matanda.
At iniwan ang ina sa mesa. Ngumiti ako sa matanda habang sinisipsip ang orange juice sa aking baso.
"Ang bait niya 'no?" tanong sa akin ni lola.
"Opo." ang sago ko.
"Asawa siya ng anak ko. Kaya lang iniwan na niya kami. Kasama na niya ang tatay niya sa langit." nagbigay lamang ako ng isang malungkot na ngiti. Patuloy lamang ako sa pagkain ng aking almusal. Hinahayaan magkwento ang matanda.
Ilang saglit pa ay dumating na ang anak. "Eto nanay ha. Eto ang burger. Kumain na muna po kayo ha. Pupunta lang ako sa drugstore. Bibili lang po ako ng gamot para sa presyon ko ha. Diyan lang muna po kayo."
Dala-dala ang pagkaing marahil ay para sa kanyang anak. Nagmamadaling umalis ang lalake.
"Hijo," kalabit sa akin ng nanay, "samahan mo muna ako dito ha habang hindi pa dumarating ang anak ko ha?"
"Sige po lola." sabi ko.
"Alam mo si Andy mabait na bata yan," kanyang panimula habang nginunguya ang kanyang Sausage Muffin, "noong bagong magkasintahan sila ng anak ko hindi talaga ako boto sa kanya. Ayaw ko talaga sa kanya noon pero nagpursige siya para tanggapin ko siya. Nag-iisang anak ko lang kasi yung anak ko."
Nakikinig lang ako sa matanda. Malapit nang maubos ang pagkain ko. Pero dahil nangako akong sasamahan siya inisip kong bagalan na lang ang pagkain. Malapit lang naman yung drugstore, di siguro magtatagal yung Andy.
Pinakinggan ko ang mga kwento ni lola. Kung paano niya pinahirapan ang lalake habang nanliligaw pa ito sa anak. Na kahit madalas hindi magkasundo ang dalawa ay minahal pa rin ito ng manugang. Iba talaga ang gusto ng nanay para sa anak pero dahil nakita niyang mahal talaga niya ang manliligaw, tinanggap na din niya.
Marami pang kwento ang matanda at naubos na ang pagkain namin pero hindi pa dumarating si Andy.
"Lola, taga saan po ba kayo?" tanong ko.
"Naku. Malayo hijo. Hindi ako sanay sa Maynila. Taga Capiz talaga ako. Kung saan kami dito sa Maynila hindi ko alam. Basta mahaba yung biyahe namin kanina."
Bigla akong kinabahan. Ayokong maging malisyoso pero pinagdasal ko na sana mali yung iniisip ko. Sana mahaba lang ang pila sa drugstore. Tumingin ako sa relo ko. Halos isang oras ko na rin palang kasama si Lola.
Hindi ko naman siya pwedeng samahan ng matagal dahil inaantok na rin ako.
"Nay." buntong hininga ko. "kailangan ko na pong umuwi. Baka hanapin po ako ng magulang ko." paalam ko sa matanda.
Nalungkot si nanay. Naramdaman din niya siguro yung nararamdaman ko. Yung kaba. Gustuhin ko mang samahan si lola pero kailangan ko nang umalis. Iiwan na naman ang matanda.
Nilapitan ko yung isang crew ng kainan para mabantayan ang matanda. Pinakilala ko siya kay lola para samahan ito habang hinihintay ang manugang.
"Nanay, aalis na po ako. Malapit na po siguro bumalik si Andy. Medyo malayo po dito yung drugstore. Pasensya na po ha."
Hindi na nakikinig si Lola. Nakatingin lang sa pinagbalutan ng kanyang kinain.
Hindi ko maiwasang hindi tingnan si lola habang palabas ako. Parang nababasag ang puso ko sa bawat hakbang palayo sa kanya.
Sana mali ako. Sana balikan siya.
*************
Naisip ko lang kahapon, hindi lahat ng kumakain sa McDonald's masaya.
Oct 24, 2009
JASON: OBSESSION
Once in a man's life, there's a person that will come in, not to make us fall. Not to make us believe that love exist. Not to give us butterflies in our stomachs. But someone who will excite us. Turn us on. Make us do crazy things. Not because we're in love. But because of infatuation. Lust, perhaps. Raging hormones. For Engel, Jason was that person.
It was just the end of Engel's first semester during his last year in college when he met Jason. He was bored doing nothing at home. Back then, cable television chatrooms were getting really popular, specially for boys interested in boys. Engel would often stay up late so he could find a number that he could text just to see if someone interesting would come along.
When he sends his number to the show, he often gets hordes upon hordes of text messages looking for hook-ups, phone games invites and desperate old gays willing to pay for Engel's services (not that he was asking for one). But he'd turn them all down. Because back then, he was still naive, and he was actually hoping to find 'the one' through that channel.
There were those who are decent and nice when you text them, but when you finally get to speak to them, they'd throw away any kind of phone foreplay and immediately demand to have phone fun with him (which he does not do, by the way). Then there are those who'd sound nice at first but then would not stop sending sexually explicit sms the next day. Engel has raging hormones, but he prefers doing it live and not via sms, chat or through the phone. So most of the people he meets there were epic fails.
Then one weekend, he received a message from this guy named Jason. It was days prior to Engel's posting his number, so Jason immediately got his attention. The two immediately clicked. They thought they had alot of things in common. Jason was an honor student from UP, Engel was a Dean's Lister. Jason loves to write fictional love stories, Engel likes to write garbage. Jason came from a political family, while Engel's cousin is a Barangay Captain in one of the towns in his mother's province. Jason said he was good looking, while Engel said he's presentable. And Jason said he's in it to find a relationship, that's one thing they both agreed on. So when Jason asked Engel for his home number, without hesitations he replied with it.
Jason's sms's were impressive enough, but when Engel heard his voice over the phone, literally his heart melted. He not only sounded great on the phone, you'd actually hear his intelligence. He talks like Chiz Escudero minus all the bullcrap that comes out of his mouth and sounds like a very well modulated radio jock from Magic or RX. And guess what, like Engel, the boy is not interested in phone fun.
They'd talk on the phone for hours about nothing, and at one time they even both fell asleep while they're still with each other on the phone. Things were getting really great two days after they met that they decided to meet each other in person.
Jason made it quite clear that he goes for the really great looking people, so Engel knew his chances with him is kaput. Engel just got over his first heartbreak during the time he met this guy, so he thought he's not going to take things seriously, unless it's Jason who initiates. Anyway, before anything else, just to be clear, it doesn't mean that just because both boys did not feel the whole SOP thing, that they don't talk about sexual things. They do. And the reason that they actually wanted to meet was because Jason wanted to see Engel's straight porn collection.
It was a Wednesday afternoon when they finally saw each other for the first time. Engel's jaw literally dropped. The boy he met was not just a boy, he was Adonis. Great jaw, great height, big eyes, but it doesn't matter, he looks good. Yeah, Engel had no chance in hell to be this guy's beau. But no matter what, Engel thought, he's going to bed with Jason.
And they did. And apart from getting caught (that's another story), the deed was awesome. Engel, until now has not seen a wang as perfect as his. Engel was obsessed.
Obviously, Engel wasn't Jason's type so the deed was not repeated. Props to him though, as he didn't necessarily turn Engel down badly. The 'let's just be friends' card was played. Anyway the writer was obsessed. Engel knows the guy's full name. Even a year after their first meet up, when Engel changed numbers, he texted him again. Providing almost the same details only using a different name. It didn't bring as much spark as when they first texted each other, but the stalker was fine with that. Eventually because of the lack of spark, the interest died down immediately. Not wanting to give up, another year later, he gave it another try. The third time was the worst, nothing between them clicked.
Engel found him the other day while he was browsing through facebook. He's still a god. He even looks better now. Great tan. Even greater body (killer six pack). I think he's hooking up with women now, seeing the pictures posted. But then again, that could be just a front.
Jason's facebook profile is being contemplated whether to be added on his favorites list. But then again other people at home use his computer. He changed his number now, six or seven years later. So now the writer's thinking if he'd want to act like a loser that he used to be.
Nah. Engel's too awesome to stoop that low again.
It was just the end of Engel's first semester during his last year in college when he met Jason. He was bored doing nothing at home. Back then, cable television chatrooms were getting really popular, specially for boys interested in boys. Engel would often stay up late so he could find a number that he could text just to see if someone interesting would come along.
When he sends his number to the show, he often gets hordes upon hordes of text messages looking for hook-ups, phone games invites and desperate old gays willing to pay for Engel's services (not that he was asking for one). But he'd turn them all down. Because back then, he was still naive, and he was actually hoping to find 'the one' through that channel.
There were those who are decent and nice when you text them, but when you finally get to speak to them, they'd throw away any kind of phone foreplay and immediately demand to have phone fun with him (which he does not do, by the way). Then there are those who'd sound nice at first but then would not stop sending sexually explicit sms the next day. Engel has raging hormones, but he prefers doing it live and not via sms, chat or through the phone. So most of the people he meets there were epic fails.
Then one weekend, he received a message from this guy named Jason. It was days prior to Engel's posting his number, so Jason immediately got his attention. The two immediately clicked. They thought they had alot of things in common. Jason was an honor student from UP, Engel was a Dean's Lister. Jason loves to write fictional love stories, Engel likes to write garbage. Jason came from a political family, while Engel's cousin is a Barangay Captain in one of the towns in his mother's province. Jason said he was good looking, while Engel said he's presentable. And Jason said he's in it to find a relationship, that's one thing they both agreed on. So when Jason asked Engel for his home number, without hesitations he replied with it.
Jason's sms's were impressive enough, but when Engel heard his voice over the phone, literally his heart melted. He not only sounded great on the phone, you'd actually hear his intelligence. He talks like Chiz Escudero minus all the bullcrap that comes out of his mouth and sounds like a very well modulated radio jock from Magic or RX. And guess what, like Engel, the boy is not interested in phone fun.
They'd talk on the phone for hours about nothing, and at one time they even both fell asleep while they're still with each other on the phone. Things were getting really great two days after they met that they decided to meet each other in person.
Jason made it quite clear that he goes for the really great looking people, so Engel knew his chances with him is kaput. Engel just got over his first heartbreak during the time he met this guy, so he thought he's not going to take things seriously, unless it's Jason who initiates. Anyway, before anything else, just to be clear, it doesn't mean that just because both boys did not feel the whole SOP thing, that they don't talk about sexual things. They do. And the reason that they actually wanted to meet was because Jason wanted to see Engel's straight porn collection.
It was a Wednesday afternoon when they finally saw each other for the first time. Engel's jaw literally dropped. The boy he met was not just a boy, he was Adonis. Great jaw, great height, big eyes, but it doesn't matter, he looks good. Yeah, Engel had no chance in hell to be this guy's beau. But no matter what, Engel thought, he's going to bed with Jason.
And they did. And apart from getting caught (that's another story), the deed was awesome. Engel, until now has not seen a wang as perfect as his. Engel was obsessed.
Obviously, Engel wasn't Jason's type so the deed was not repeated. Props to him though, as he didn't necessarily turn Engel down badly. The 'let's just be friends' card was played. Anyway the writer was obsessed. Engel knows the guy's full name. Even a year after their first meet up, when Engel changed numbers, he texted him again. Providing almost the same details only using a different name. It didn't bring as much spark as when they first texted each other, but the stalker was fine with that. Eventually because of the lack of spark, the interest died down immediately. Not wanting to give up, another year later, he gave it another try. The third time was the worst, nothing between them clicked.
Engel found him the other day while he was browsing through facebook. He's still a god. He even looks better now. Great tan. Even greater body (killer six pack). I think he's hooking up with women now, seeing the pictures posted. But then again, that could be just a front.
Jason's facebook profile is being contemplated whether to be added on his favorites list. But then again other people at home use his computer. He changed his number now, six or seven years later. So now the writer's thinking if he'd want to act like a loser that he used to be.
Nah. Engel's too awesome to stoop that low again.
Oct 22, 2009
A HISTORY OF ADDICTION
This is part 2 of the Geek Series.
**********
Living in a village where most of your neighbors/playmates are well-off could be pretty sad for a kid like Engel.
While his dad was an Overseas Filipino Worker, his parents didn't really have the budget to afford for him toys that are pricey. Yes, he could get away with the small action figures from time to time, but for video game consoles, that was a wish that was never granted. In fact, it was never even considered by his parents. Even after several attempted tantrum outbursts, it didn't work.
When Engel was about 5 years old, there was only one house with an Atari entertainment system. Unfortunately, the kids who owned those games weren't in his age bracket so he was never allowed to play any of the games. He wasn't even allowed to touch those games. He'd often just look while the kids play Pacman and Battle Ships. And more often than not, at night he would go home crying because he was scolded by their neighbor because he touched the joystick.
Two years later, a couple of neighbors finally bought a Nintendo Entertinment System and that hundred games in one family computer system. Fortunately, the kids were younger than Engel so he'd often pick on them so that he could play those games. Alot of different emotions came rushing through the young writer as he plays Super Mario, Adventure Island, Twin Bee, Circus Charlie, Duck Hunt, The '88 Olympics Game and all those old-school video games his neighbors had. He'd often sleepover his neighbor's house on the weekends so he could finish Level 1-2 of Super Mario 3.
If kids could be mean, there are some who could be really manipulative. They use their consoles as a bargaining chip so you could be "bati" with them, when you decide they're not fun to play with. They'd often crank their television sets to full volume while playing Contra until you come knocking on their door to beg for forgiveness. Children back then were cruel.
GAME GEAR
There was one time Engel's tantrums worked on his dad. Fifth grade, his father went home when the clan's patriarch died, and of course being the only one then who worked abroad in the family, Engel's father was obligated to shoulder a fraction of the overall expenses for the burial. Anyway, while in Duty Free, the son saw that Game Boys and Game Gears were sold for discounted prices, so the young Engel did not leave the stall until what he wanted was given. The parents were bargaining for a different toy instead, but Engel had enough of never having a video game device.
The moment he laid his hands on that black shiny colored handheld device, he told himself, never again. Seven months later, Geary (the name of his Game Gear) broke down and was never fixed again.
PLAYSTATION
For his high school graduation gift, he asked all his relatives to pitch in so he can buy the original Sony Playstation console. And he did. At that time, Engel got so excited about the console he forgot that he had to attend the graduation ball at some posh hotel in Manila that evening. He was only reminded when his mom told him his cousin was already dressed to go to the party.
That was the time he was introduced to Role Playing Games like Final Fantasy, Chrono Cross, Suikoden and Parasite Eve. This was where most of his 'baon' would go to. A pirated copy of Resident Evil 1-3, Metal Gear Solid and Parappa the Rapper. He even bought himself the dance mat for Dance Dance Revolution.
His PS stayed with him for four years before passing it on to his cousins because he had to finally upgrade his console.
PLAYSTATION 2
December of 2002. Last semester before he graduates. He already knows that he'll be graduating. And better news was that he was part of the Dean's Honors List that year so he demanded an upgrade. He asked his favorite Aunt if she could give him a few more pesos so he can finally buy a PS2 for Christmas. He actually had options back then, it's either that or a trip to Singapore. Seeing as if he chooses the trip, he'd have to work on processing a passport, he opted for the video game console.
While Engel's still not a seasoned gamer, he improved his gaming skills with this device. He learned to like shooting games more. He got addicted playing Resident Evil 4, Metal Gear Snake Eater, Dragon Quest, NBA Live and the rest of the Final Fantasy games. The graphics was much better, voiceovers are now possible, and the games are just much more awesome. He'd sometimes play these with his friends, but most of the time he plays games by himself.
2007 when he resigned from his company, he decided to sell the beloved console because he didn't have allowance anymore. He was out of work for four months.
2 XBOX 360'S
The first one, he bought September of '07. That was where his backpay from his previous company went to. He's been itching to buy one since he found out about the console. This was cheaper than the PS3 and looks slicker. The games also looked cooler and everything about Microsoft's console's just awesome.
During the summer of 08, Engel found himself jobless again. And this was his companion throughout that period. He'd play day and night video games like Grand Theft Auto IV, Elder Scrolls IV, Gears of War, Halo 3 and just about every pirated version of all the cool games released at that time. One time he was even complained to by his neighbors for playing war games at 2 in the morning (he had to crank his speakers to max volume when he plays his games). Unfortunately, after nine months of loyal service, the console died (3RLs). It almost got fixed, but a week later, the console died again.
So for his birthday this year, Engel bought another XBox. This is much better, because now he has two controllers, more games and a big screen tv. But he's taking good care of this one this time. He doesn't play alot anymore (well because he has work now), his hours of playtime isn't as unforgiving as before. He doesn't want what happens with his first console to happen to this one again.
But it does get tiresome playing videogames sometimes. Specially if you're playing games alone.
**********
Living in a village where most of your neighbors/playmates are well-off could be pretty sad for a kid like Engel.
While his dad was an Overseas Filipino Worker, his parents didn't really have the budget to afford for him toys that are pricey. Yes, he could get away with the small action figures from time to time, but for video game consoles, that was a wish that was never granted. In fact, it was never even considered by his parents. Even after several attempted tantrum outbursts, it didn't work.
When Engel was about 5 years old, there was only one house with an Atari entertainment system. Unfortunately, the kids who owned those games weren't in his age bracket so he was never allowed to play any of the games. He wasn't even allowed to touch those games. He'd often just look while the kids play Pacman and Battle Ships. And more often than not, at night he would go home crying because he was scolded by their neighbor because he touched the joystick.
Two years later, a couple of neighbors finally bought a Nintendo Entertinment System and that hundred games in one family computer system. Fortunately, the kids were younger than Engel so he'd often pick on them so that he could play those games. Alot of different emotions came rushing through the young writer as he plays Super Mario, Adventure Island, Twin Bee, Circus Charlie, Duck Hunt, The '88 Olympics Game and all those old-school video games his neighbors had. He'd often sleepover his neighbor's house on the weekends so he could finish Level 1-2 of Super Mario 3.
If kids could be mean, there are some who could be really manipulative. They use their consoles as a bargaining chip so you could be "bati" with them, when you decide they're not fun to play with. They'd often crank their television sets to full volume while playing Contra until you come knocking on their door to beg for forgiveness. Children back then were cruel.
GAME GEAR
There was one time Engel's tantrums worked on his dad. Fifth grade, his father went home when the clan's patriarch died, and of course being the only one then who worked abroad in the family, Engel's father was obligated to shoulder a fraction of the overall expenses for the burial. Anyway, while in Duty Free, the son saw that Game Boys and Game Gears were sold for discounted prices, so the young Engel did not leave the stall until what he wanted was given. The parents were bargaining for a different toy instead, but Engel had enough of never having a video game device.
The moment he laid his hands on that black shiny colored handheld device, he told himself, never again. Seven months later, Geary (the name of his Game Gear) broke down and was never fixed again.
PLAYSTATION
For his high school graduation gift, he asked all his relatives to pitch in so he can buy the original Sony Playstation console. And he did. At that time, Engel got so excited about the console he forgot that he had to attend the graduation ball at some posh hotel in Manila that evening. He was only reminded when his mom told him his cousin was already dressed to go to the party.
That was the time he was introduced to Role Playing Games like Final Fantasy, Chrono Cross, Suikoden and Parasite Eve. This was where most of his 'baon' would go to. A pirated copy of Resident Evil 1-3, Metal Gear Solid and Parappa the Rapper. He even bought himself the dance mat for Dance Dance Revolution.
His PS stayed with him for four years before passing it on to his cousins because he had to finally upgrade his console.
PLAYSTATION 2
December of 2002. Last semester before he graduates. He already knows that he'll be graduating. And better news was that he was part of the Dean's Honors List that year so he demanded an upgrade. He asked his favorite Aunt if she could give him a few more pesos so he can finally buy a PS2 for Christmas. He actually had options back then, it's either that or a trip to Singapore. Seeing as if he chooses the trip, he'd have to work on processing a passport, he opted for the video game console.
While Engel's still not a seasoned gamer, he improved his gaming skills with this device. He learned to like shooting games more. He got addicted playing Resident Evil 4, Metal Gear Snake Eater, Dragon Quest, NBA Live and the rest of the Final Fantasy games. The graphics was much better, voiceovers are now possible, and the games are just much more awesome. He'd sometimes play these with his friends, but most of the time he plays games by himself.
2007 when he resigned from his company, he decided to sell the beloved console because he didn't have allowance anymore. He was out of work for four months.
2 XBOX 360'S
The first one, he bought September of '07. That was where his backpay from his previous company went to. He's been itching to buy one since he found out about the console. This was cheaper than the PS3 and looks slicker. The games also looked cooler and everything about Microsoft's console's just awesome.
During the summer of 08, Engel found himself jobless again. And this was his companion throughout that period. He'd play day and night video games like Grand Theft Auto IV, Elder Scrolls IV, Gears of War, Halo 3 and just about every pirated version of all the cool games released at that time. One time he was even complained to by his neighbors for playing war games at 2 in the morning (he had to crank his speakers to max volume when he plays his games). Unfortunately, after nine months of loyal service, the console died (3RLs). It almost got fixed, but a week later, the console died again.
So for his birthday this year, Engel bought another XBox. This is much better, because now he has two controllers, more games and a big screen tv. But he's taking good care of this one this time. He doesn't play alot anymore (well because he has work now), his hours of playtime isn't as unforgiving as before. He doesn't want what happens with his first console to happen to this one again.
But it does get tiresome playing videogames sometimes. Specially if you're playing games alone.
Oct 20, 2009
CHRONICLE OF RELATIONSHIPS UNWRITTEN
Before going to sleep this morning, I found myself backreading on my old blog. I find it fascinating how much I grew up chronicling my life in my old abode. When I started posting stuff in the old blog, I was mostly ranting about how much my life sucked (that lessened as years went by). I rant about the dumbest things (my job, my age, my looks, my schedule). I think I wrote almost everything about my life in that blog.
But one thing I noticed is that even after I revealed alot about me in that blog, I was never really able to write while I was in a relationship. The blog's existed for quite awhile now, and I've been in a couple of relationships after I started writing, but I was not able to write about it while in the midst of that relationship.
I have written about failed dates. Successful dates. Getting turned down. Turning down someone. I've written about courting people. I have chronicled details about my exes. But I never wrote anything about my relationship while I'm with that person.
I haven't written about how I asked someone to be my partner. I never wrote about feeling anxious waiting for a call after a fight. I've never written sweet moments with my exes. I haven't posted about the petty reasons why we fought and what we did after we made up. I'll never write details about our awesome sexy times. I never wrote how I felt when we broke up. I just didn't write anything.
I don't know, maybe I was afraid people would find that I suck in relationships (not literally, well I do literally, sometimes, whatever you get the point). Maybe I was afraid that people would tell me I was the one at fault when we're fighting. Or maybe that people would find me 'mayabang' when I brag about how great a date went, while the rest of the blogosphere's suicidal because they're still single. I do know that when I was with somebody, I never really had the time to do anything else but focus most of my free time with that person.
Looking back, if I did write about the relationship, when we were having problems, maybe I could've saved it. Seeing how alot of readers were giving insights about what could be done to right a mistake, maybe it could've opened my eyes and and made me want to fight more for my partner's love. Maybe I wouldn't be single anymore. Who knows, right?
But this is not me whinging about the past. This is about looking forward. I created this blog so that I can write about things I was hesitant to post in my old home. I still wouldn't be posting about my sex life, but I'll still say if it was great or not. The point being I'll be writing without inhibitions.
Of course, before I write about those things, I'd need to find myself first a partner.
*******
Before I get anymore comments about finding the one, let me be defensive and say this post is not about me looking for a partner. I am still fine with my current single status. I'm just saying that for me to be able to write what I haven't written before, I'd need to be in a relationship first.
I'm fine where I am right now. If someone does come along, then that's awesome. But at this moment, I couldn't ask for anything more.
Well, a digital slr camera would be great, and a Playstation 3.
=)
But one thing I noticed is that even after I revealed alot about me in that blog, I was never really able to write while I was in a relationship. The blog's existed for quite awhile now, and I've been in a couple of relationships after I started writing, but I was not able to write about it while in the midst of that relationship.
I have written about failed dates. Successful dates. Getting turned down. Turning down someone. I've written about courting people. I have chronicled details about my exes. But I never wrote anything about my relationship while I'm with that person.
I haven't written about how I asked someone to be my partner. I never wrote about feeling anxious waiting for a call after a fight. I've never written sweet moments with my exes. I haven't posted about the petty reasons why we fought and what we did after we made up. I'll never write details about our awesome sexy times. I never wrote how I felt when we broke up. I just didn't write anything.
I don't know, maybe I was afraid people would find that I suck in relationships (not literally, well I do literally, sometimes, whatever you get the point). Maybe I was afraid that people would tell me I was the one at fault when we're fighting. Or maybe that people would find me 'mayabang' when I brag about how great a date went, while the rest of the blogosphere's suicidal because they're still single. I do know that when I was with somebody, I never really had the time to do anything else but focus most of my free time with that person.
Looking back, if I did write about the relationship, when we were having problems, maybe I could've saved it. Seeing how alot of readers were giving insights about what could be done to right a mistake, maybe it could've opened my eyes and and made me want to fight more for my partner's love. Maybe I wouldn't be single anymore. Who knows, right?
But this is not me whinging about the past. This is about looking forward. I created this blog so that I can write about things I was hesitant to post in my old home. I still wouldn't be posting about my sex life, but I'll still say if it was great or not. The point being I'll be writing without inhibitions.
Of course, before I write about those things, I'd need to find myself first a partner.
*******
Before I get anymore comments about finding the one, let me be defensive and say this post is not about me looking for a partner. I am still fine with my current single status. I'm just saying that for me to be able to write what I haven't written before, I'd need to be in a relationship first.
I'm fine where I am right now. If someone does come along, then that's awesome. But at this moment, I couldn't ask for anything more.
Well, a digital slr camera would be great, and a Playstation 3.
=)
Oct 19, 2009
GOOD WEEKEND
It started Friday night when Engel was dismissed early last Friday night. While he did not push through with his plan to go to either Malate or a gay bar, he still did like how his weekend went.
He didn't have any sleep yesterday. After he went home early morning last Saturday, he blogged about it and then saw the latest episodes of Glee, Gossip Girl, How I Met Your Mother and Big Bang Theory, all of which were really awesome. But that's not the point of this post.
The best part of Engel's weekend was the afternoon of the same day. He went out with Joy.
It's been four months since Engel and Joy went out. He enjoys every man-date he has with the guy because the guy's fun to be around with. Engel's no longer in love with him, but that doesn't mean he can't look forward hanging out with Joy. He was a little disappointed though that Joy's on-again-off-again girlfriend was with him. Not that Engel dislikes the girl. He does, she's way more likeable than Joy's other ex. Way more likeable.
Anyway the reason for them seeing each other is as usual him being a good friend. Engel won't give any details of what he did, but let's just say he is really a good friend. Engel feels special around Joy, because he's really nice. The guy's kind of a homophobe (not the bad kind), but he's really comfortable whenever he's with the writer. Joy doesn't find it awkward asking about the author's lifestyle around other people. He's even willing to pretend to be a boyfriend (and no, the guy's not even bi-curious, not even a tripper). And one more thing, even if Engel's the third wheel, the attention's still most of the time his (she knows Engel's gay and at one time proposed to her man).
What's funny is Kate (the on-again-off-again girlfriend) points out alot of things the two of them have in common. Girls notice those little things that boys don't even care about, and the writer thinks those little things maybe the reason why they get along very well. They are both a little weird. Their hairstyle is practically the same. They walk the same way. They even talk in almost the same fashion.
They could've hung out longer, Joy wanted to, but Engel had to decline. They saw a movie and had coffee. But Engel still has to do his shopping.
Nevertheless, yesterday was still a day the author won't forget.
Engel always wanted a brother. Guess Joy was the answer to that prayer.
He didn't have any sleep yesterday. After he went home early morning last Saturday, he blogged about it and then saw the latest episodes of Glee, Gossip Girl, How I Met Your Mother and Big Bang Theory, all of which were really awesome. But that's not the point of this post.
The best part of Engel's weekend was the afternoon of the same day. He went out with Joy.
It's been four months since Engel and Joy went out. He enjoys every man-date he has with the guy because the guy's fun to be around with. Engel's no longer in love with him, but that doesn't mean he can't look forward hanging out with Joy. He was a little disappointed though that Joy's on-again-off-again girlfriend was with him. Not that Engel dislikes the girl. He does, she's way more likeable than Joy's other ex. Way more likeable.
Anyway the reason for them seeing each other is as usual him being a good friend. Engel won't give any details of what he did, but let's just say he is really a good friend. Engel feels special around Joy, because he's really nice. The guy's kind of a homophobe (not the bad kind), but he's really comfortable whenever he's with the writer. Joy doesn't find it awkward asking about the author's lifestyle around other people. He's even willing to pretend to be a boyfriend (and no, the guy's not even bi-curious, not even a tripper). And one more thing, even if Engel's the third wheel, the attention's still most of the time his (she knows Engel's gay and at one time proposed to her man).
What's funny is Kate (the on-again-off-again girlfriend) points out alot of things the two of them have in common. Girls notice those little things that boys don't even care about, and the writer thinks those little things maybe the reason why they get along very well. They are both a little weird. Their hairstyle is practically the same. They walk the same way. They even talk in almost the same fashion.
They could've hung out longer, Joy wanted to, but Engel had to decline. They saw a movie and had coffee. But Engel still has to do his shopping.
Nevertheless, yesterday was still a day the author won't forget.
Engel always wanted a brother. Guess Joy was the answer to that prayer.
Oct 18, 2009
HINDI MABABASA DITO
Sa isang buwan ay magcecelebrate na itong blog ko ng kanyang ikaapat na kaarawan. 4 years old na ito. Matanda na. Mature na. Pero yung may-ari hindi pa rin... konti lang.
Halos 400 na rin ang naisusulat ko dito. Sa tingin ko noon kaya ko muntik na itong bitawan ay nasabi ko na ang lahat. Hindi pa rin pala. Natutunan ko, habang ikaw ay nabubuhay araw-araw may matututunan kang bago. At habang may natutunan ka, meron kang maisusulat. Meron kang maikukwento.
Mag-aapat na taon na ang blog na ito, pero kahit na ganoon, mayroon pa ring mga bagay na hindi ninyo mababasa dito. Mga bagay na hindi ko gagawin sa mundo ng blogosperyo. Unang-una dahil sumusunod ako sa blog etiquette. At pangalawa, maraming nakakakilala sakin sa tunay na buhay na nagbabasa ng blog na ito.
Kaya ngayon, ililista ko dito ang mga bagay na hinding hindi ko gagawin at hinding hindi ninyo mababasa dito.
MGA KWENTONG KAMUNDUHAN
Rated General Patronage ang blog kong ito. Kaya corny man ay hindi talaga ako magsusulat ng mga post tungkol sa aking mga karanasan bilang isang lalakeng makamundo. May naisulat na akong noon tungkol dito, pero yung mga kwentong iyon ay mga kwentong kapupulutan ng aral. Gaya ng huwag makikipag eyeball kung kani-kanino lang. Huli na yun, at marami atang nagtataasan ng kilay nang mabasa nila yung sinulat ko na yun. Basta ang dapat niyo lang tandaan, hindi ako magsusulat ng mga makamundong post hindi dahil walang aksyon na nagaganap sa buhay ko (meron naman paminsan minsan)... pero dahil gentleman ako. Hehehe
PULITIKA
Unang-una, wala akong karapatan magreklamo sa gobyerno, kahit na gaano kakurakot pa ito. Hindi pa ako bumoboto. Tsaka wala naman akong masasabi tungkol dito. Sa ngayon, wala rin naman akong pakialam. Hindi ako maopinyon pagdating sa mga pulitikal na topic. At ayoko rin namang magpanggap na may alam, dahil wala rin naman. Magmumukha lang akong tanga. Siguro pagnakaboto na ako.
BLOGWAR
Hinding hindi ako mang-aaway sa kapwa ko blogero. Kung hindi sang-ayon sa opinyon ko ang isang tao, ayos lang. Karapatan nila iyon. Hindi ako mag a-unfollow ng isang blogger dahil hindi ko nagustuhan ang sinulat nitong kumento sa isang post ko. Hindi ako mapipikon sa opinyon sa akin ng mga mambabasa, dahil kahit papano laitero din naman ako. Madali lang naman ang dapat gawin kapag hindi ko nagustuhan ang mga pinagsasabi ng isang tao, wag balikan ang blog niya. Tapos. Di ako magpapalaki ng issue, pasisikatin ko lang yung taong yon. Ika nga, make love not war. Pero if I make love, di ko isusulat iyon.
KALALIMAN
Aaminin ko, mababaw na tao lang ako. At ako yung tipo ng mambabasa na gusto ko naiintindihan ko ang binabasa ko sa unang basa nito. Ayokong dumudugo ang ilong ko, nagbabasa lang ako ng kwentong ligawan. Ayoko rin namang pinahihirapan ang mga dumadaan dito. Tsaka sa totoo lang, di ako malalim mag-isip. Mukha akong palaging nag-iisip, pero sa totoo lang nagspace out lang ang utak ko.
Yan lang naiisip ko ngayon. Ayoko naman magdagdag pa ng iba, kasi pag dinagdagan ko, baka wala na akong maisulat dito. Mahirap na, ayoko na magpaalam ulit, baka wala nang maniwala.
Halos 400 na rin ang naisusulat ko dito. Sa tingin ko noon kaya ko muntik na itong bitawan ay nasabi ko na ang lahat. Hindi pa rin pala. Natutunan ko, habang ikaw ay nabubuhay araw-araw may matututunan kang bago. At habang may natutunan ka, meron kang maisusulat. Meron kang maikukwento.
Mag-aapat na taon na ang blog na ito, pero kahit na ganoon, mayroon pa ring mga bagay na hindi ninyo mababasa dito. Mga bagay na hindi ko gagawin sa mundo ng blogosperyo. Unang-una dahil sumusunod ako sa blog etiquette. At pangalawa, maraming nakakakilala sakin sa tunay na buhay na nagbabasa ng blog na ito.
Kaya ngayon, ililista ko dito ang mga bagay na hinding hindi ko gagawin at hinding hindi ninyo mababasa dito.
MGA KWENTONG KAMUNDUHAN
Rated General Patronage ang blog kong ito. Kaya corny man ay hindi talaga ako magsusulat ng mga post tungkol sa aking mga karanasan bilang isang lalakeng makamundo. May naisulat na akong noon tungkol dito, pero yung mga kwentong iyon ay mga kwentong kapupulutan ng aral. Gaya ng huwag makikipag eyeball kung kani-kanino lang. Huli na yun, at marami atang nagtataasan ng kilay nang mabasa nila yung sinulat ko na yun. Basta ang dapat niyo lang tandaan, hindi ako magsusulat ng mga makamundong post hindi dahil walang aksyon na nagaganap sa buhay ko (meron naman paminsan minsan)... pero dahil gentleman ako. Hehehe
PULITIKA
Unang-una, wala akong karapatan magreklamo sa gobyerno, kahit na gaano kakurakot pa ito. Hindi pa ako bumoboto. Tsaka wala naman akong masasabi tungkol dito. Sa ngayon, wala rin naman akong pakialam. Hindi ako maopinyon pagdating sa mga pulitikal na topic. At ayoko rin namang magpanggap na may alam, dahil wala rin naman. Magmumukha lang akong tanga. Siguro pagnakaboto na ako.
BLOGWAR
Hinding hindi ako mang-aaway sa kapwa ko blogero. Kung hindi sang-ayon sa opinyon ko ang isang tao, ayos lang. Karapatan nila iyon. Hindi ako mag a-unfollow ng isang blogger dahil hindi ko nagustuhan ang sinulat nitong kumento sa isang post ko. Hindi ako mapipikon sa opinyon sa akin ng mga mambabasa, dahil kahit papano laitero din naman ako. Madali lang naman ang dapat gawin kapag hindi ko nagustuhan ang mga pinagsasabi ng isang tao, wag balikan ang blog niya. Tapos. Di ako magpapalaki ng issue, pasisikatin ko lang yung taong yon. Ika nga, make love not war. Pero if I make love, di ko isusulat iyon.
KALALIMAN
Aaminin ko, mababaw na tao lang ako. At ako yung tipo ng mambabasa na gusto ko naiintindihan ko ang binabasa ko sa unang basa nito. Ayokong dumudugo ang ilong ko, nagbabasa lang ako ng kwentong ligawan. Ayoko rin namang pinahihirapan ang mga dumadaan dito. Tsaka sa totoo lang, di ako malalim mag-isip. Mukha akong palaging nag-iisip, pero sa totoo lang nagspace out lang ang utak ko.
Yan lang naiisip ko ngayon. Ayoko naman magdagdag pa ng iba, kasi pag dinagdagan ko, baka wala na akong maisulat dito. Mahirap na, ayoko na magpaalam ulit, baka wala nang maniwala.
Oct 17, 2009
I MAY NOT BE SPONTANEOUS
Because of certain things (positive things) that transpired in the office last night, we were dismissed early by our boss. Now that's something that's rare, given my job. You see, with the type of work we do, we are required to fulfill our duties during the entirety of our workday. Anyway, I'm not going to talk about that. My job is boring and uninteresting. Don't get me wrong, I love my job, it's just something I wouldn't want to be blogging about. I did rant about my boss before, and that's because he's a stupid ass (thankfully I have a new boss).
Alright, going back to the topic, so what do young urban professionals do, when they find themselves free for the rest of the evening on a Friday night? Of course, we went Bible Studying!
No we did not.
We went to a karaoke bar. Got ourselves tipsy and sang all the stresses of the past six weeks away. But because of the place being not that affordable, and at 12:40am the night is still early, the group decided to change venues. Some people decided to go to a comedy bar up north, some to have coffee, others to join another group in a different karaoke bar. I didn't feel like going somewhere far from where I live. While waiting for a ride home, I was actually torn on where to go next.
Two places sounded really interesting for me then. Malate and a gay bar. I've never been to both (well I've been to Malate twice I think), and since I have the money and the time, I thought why not. I thought for once in my life, do something fun. Something spontaneous. Something you've never done before. Something different.
The gay bar was the first choice. Naked men with girating bodies in front of me sounds exciting. Besides White Bird is just one ride away from home so I won't have a problem going back to our house after. But then again, I'm not an old fag who's looking for a young stud to make his scholar. And I've been to a straight bar before and the experience was really not that nice. The main star was ugly, and there was no live show. What if that bar's the same. Only with men in it? And I've read that if you want to really enjoy your stay in a place like that, you have to be ready to shell out some serious dough. I won't have that. Plus, I was a little bit horny, and would extremely be disappointed if I go home empty handed.
So then I thought of Malate. I've been reading of bloggers hooking up in that place. Going wild. Flaunting their sexuality without fear of being discriminated at or making fun of. I've read of people tripping in male rest rooms. Giving and being given a blowjob just for the heck of it. Again, I was horny, this would be a place where I'd get lucky. But then I'm alone. If I failed on my quest to get laid, there'd be no one to pick me up. I mean I don't know the place. I don't know where the best bar is. Or where the best rest room to hook up with someone is. And that place, that place will be enjoyed much better if I am with friends. And no matter how nice some of things I've read about Malate is, I've also read of people getting mugged, stabbed or even killed. I'm not even dressed to party in a place like that.
I decided to take a cab home.
I think I'm not yet ready for that kind of lifestyle. Being a boring introvert, I probably wouldn't have enjoyed the experience if I went there.
One day, I'll be spontaneous. I'll let the other head do thinking. Who knows, right?
Maybe next time.
Alright, going back to the topic, so what do young urban professionals do, when they find themselves free for the rest of the evening on a Friday night? Of course, we went Bible Studying!
No we did not.
We went to a karaoke bar. Got ourselves tipsy and sang all the stresses of the past six weeks away. But because of the place being not that affordable, and at 12:40am the night is still early, the group decided to change venues. Some people decided to go to a comedy bar up north, some to have coffee, others to join another group in a different karaoke bar. I didn't feel like going somewhere far from where I live. While waiting for a ride home, I was actually torn on where to go next.
Two places sounded really interesting for me then. Malate and a gay bar. I've never been to both (well I've been to Malate twice I think), and since I have the money and the time, I thought why not. I thought for once in my life, do something fun. Something spontaneous. Something you've never done before. Something different.
The gay bar was the first choice. Naked men with girating bodies in front of me sounds exciting. Besides White Bird is just one ride away from home so I won't have a problem going back to our house after. But then again, I'm not an old fag who's looking for a young stud to make his scholar. And I've been to a straight bar before and the experience was really not that nice. The main star was ugly, and there was no live show. What if that bar's the same. Only with men in it? And I've read that if you want to really enjoy your stay in a place like that, you have to be ready to shell out some serious dough. I won't have that. Plus, I was a little bit horny, and would extremely be disappointed if I go home empty handed.
So then I thought of Malate. I've been reading of bloggers hooking up in that place. Going wild. Flaunting their sexuality without fear of being discriminated at or making fun of. I've read of people tripping in male rest rooms. Giving and being given a blowjob just for the heck of it. Again, I was horny, this would be a place where I'd get lucky. But then I'm alone. If I failed on my quest to get laid, there'd be no one to pick me up. I mean I don't know the place. I don't know where the best bar is. Or where the best rest room to hook up with someone is. And that place, that place will be enjoyed much better if I am with friends. And no matter how nice some of things I've read about Malate is, I've also read of people getting mugged, stabbed or even killed. I'm not even dressed to party in a place like that.
I decided to take a cab home.
I think I'm not yet ready for that kind of lifestyle. Being a boring introvert, I probably wouldn't have enjoyed the experience if I went there.
One day, I'll be spontaneous. I'll let the other head do thinking. Who knows, right?
Maybe next time.
Oct 15, 2009
LAST SECOND CHANGE
I was in the middle of writing this long anecdote about me being torpe when I got tired.
I got tired of thinking of something to write.
You see I'm stressing over stuff at work and other things. That I don't want this, the only thing I'm passionate about, to be another cause for stress.
So borrowing the style from the book of The Closet Geek, I thought to keep it short and simple.
When you're tired of being single. When you're tired of watching happy couples inspite of the troubles of their relationships. Would you settle for a guy who's been throwing himself at you, when you know you can do... you deserve someone better?
I got tired of thinking of something to write.
You see I'm stressing over stuff at work and other things. That I don't want this, the only thing I'm passionate about, to be another cause for stress.
So borrowing the style from the book of The Closet Geek, I thought to keep it short and simple.
When you're tired of being single. When you're tired of watching happy couples inspite of the troubles of their relationships. Would you settle for a guy who's been throwing himself at you, when you know you can do... you deserve someone better?
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