ALAM KONG POGI AKO KASI

Simula nung nagboxing ako, medyo lumiit ang katawan ko...

Di na masyadong siopao ang mukha ko.

Kahit papaano medyo yummy na ako. (isang malaking echos)

Pero minsan talaga napapaniwala ako sa linya sa itaas.

Gaya kanina, papunta sa gym, humabol akong sumakay sa elevator.

At ako'y may nakasabay.

Isang tatay.

Ay hindi.

Isang lolo.

Na ang tingin sa akin ay pagkalagkit.

Nang-aakit.

Kaya biglang gusto kong manakit.

Mata niya sa akin ay hindi nawaglit.

Kahit habang ako'y nag-eehersisyo, si lolo'y nakaabang sa akin sa labas ng pinto.

Dun sa labas ng opisina nila, sa may waiting area dun lang siya nakaupo.

Hanggang matapos ako, andun si lolo ang paa'y nakapako.

Kaya pagbaba ko agad agad si lolo ay sumabay.

Agad agad ang wallet ay nilabas.

Kumuha ng 300 at sa akin ay nagyaya.

"Pogi, tara dun tayo sa CR... Sa'yo na to."

Ito na ang pinakamatagal na elevator ride sa buong buhay ko.

Apat na palapag lang... halos magunaw ang mundo ko.

Kaya paglabas ko ng pinto, biglang kumaripas ako ng takbo.

Hay lolo, nakakaloka ka!!!

Sa'yo na lang yang pensyon mo.

**************************************
Okay lang naman na may nagkakacrush sakin...

Pero sana lang yung mga taong yun ay crushable...

Hindi yung masarap i-crush sa ilalim ng pison.

ANYTHING COULD HAPPEN

So do you want to break up? The Kid asked the last time we fought.

The last three years and three months have been a roller coaster ride for our relationship. There have been too many ups as much as lows in our love affair.

What lit up the fuse this  time as in most of our fights has been about his attitude. You see when you're young, you have this sense of entitlement to things you deserve. And when he does not get what he wants careerwise, his personality switches to a spoiled kid who gets everything he wants and throws tantrums if things don't go his way.

Being the adult, I try to be patient and give some words from personal experience to at least calm him down. But the last time, something in me snapped. I have personal issues at work and at home and the last thing I want is to deal with a child with an outburst.

I feel there is something missing in my life, he tells me.

Do you want to look for that missing thing? I asked.

What do you mean?

You're missing something, I'm not sure I am enough to fill that piece in your life. I am asking you if you want to look for it elsewhere.

Are you breaking up with me? He asked.

Am I, I asked myself. Should I? Do I not love this Kid anymore? Have my patience reached it's end.

The problem with you is that you don't listen to me. I support you, but there are some things that we have to consider realistically. I am always behind you, but you have to consider you're not the only one with problems, and what you're going through is not big enough to warrant this kind of emotions. It's not heavy a baggage. What you need is patience. Something you're draining me of.  I have problems of my own too, and you never seen me throw a fit.

I just get tired of dealing with you.

There was a pause.

Do you want to break up with me? he asked again.

I asked myself, do I still love him.

In the three years that we've been together, he has grown a lot. I might say he has matured. The nine year age gap shows sometimes when we tell each other what we want from one another. I have grown accustomed to his company. My parents treat him like their other child. And I know that he really really loves me.

Do you want to be free of me? He asked of me one more time. He was tearing up this time.

I don't know what I will do without you. He pleads.

When we entered the relationship, we promised each other to stick to one another.

I love him.

And I choose to keep my promise.

ANONG KLASENG BADING KA

Dahil sa My Husband's Lover nagiging uso  ngayon ang mga bading (uso talaga). Sabihin na nating gumagawa ng ingay. At dahil wala pa akong Post ngayong Agosto, ito na lang ang isusulat ko. Hindi man hinihingi ng mga tao, hindi man tama pero nagclassify ako ng mga bading na kakilala/nakilala/naamoy/nabalitaan ko.

Kung bading ka, saan ka kaya nalilinya sa mga ito?

THE SPECIAL KIND

The Special Kind of gay. Sila na ang gifted. Sila na ang mga mabubuting ehemplo. Ang mga bading na ipagmamalaki mo. Sila yung bumuo ng stereotype na ang matinong bading ay matalino, witty at may silbi sa lipunan. Out and proud. At may dahilan para dito. Sila yung mga ipinaglalaban ang karapatan ng mga nabibilang sa LGBT community. Sila yung mga nakarating sa rurok ng kasikatan. Sila yung mga bading na naging boss mo. Sila yung mga bading na hindi lang nakakatawa, pero alam mong may laman din ang kukote nila.

THE PA-MACHO KIND

May iba-ibang uri ng mga macho. Ito ang una. Pa-macho dahil malalaki ang katawan. Sila yung araw-araw nakikita mo sa gym, nagbubuhat ng mga mabibigat na barbel. Sila yung nakikita mo yung mga profile pic ay katawan lang, walang ulo. Lalaking lalaki ang pangangatawan, pero pag nagsalita na... huli ka!!! Bading na bading pala. Maaaring out and proud. Pero kadalasan, sila yung in denial. Yung tipong alam na ng buong mundo na bading sila, pero di mo pa rin mapapaamin, at sa katawan itinatago ang pagka-pink ng dugo nila. Yung tipong pag tinanong mo, "are you gay?" ang sagot nila "I'm BI" (always bullshit BTW). Sila yung maaaring confused pa ang state of mind pagdating sa kanilang sekswalidad. Eto rin yung mga kaklase mo noong high school na noon ay nakikita mong lantarang ginagawang gown ang props ninyo na kumot na aakalain mong pagtanda eh yung magpapaputol ng ari nila at papalitan ng artificial pechay, pero ngayon ay kalbo na at mas malaki pa ang katawan sa bouncer o gym instructor.

THE ALMOST PARLOR KIND

Ang mga tunay na out and proud. Sila yung pinakacommon na bading. Yung alam ng lahat na gay sila. Na walang pakialam sa iisipin ng mga tao. The loud kind of gay. Yung paborito nating panoorin o kausapin dahil sila yung talagang nakakatawa kausap. Yung masarap kaibiganin dahil sila ang nagpapagaan ng araw mo sa kakulitan nila. Sa kanila mo natututunan yung gay lingo. Almost parlor, dahil sila yung tipong parang parlorista ang kilos pero matino ang hitsura. Maaaring parlorista rin naman ang hitsura, pero matitino naman sila.

THE DARAGISTA/PARLORISTA KIND

No offense meant, wala lang ako sigurong maisip na description para ganitong uri ng bading. Sila yung tipikal na makikita mo sa parlor. Sila rin minsan yung nakikita mo sa mga stand-up comedy bars. Yung mga bading na minsan ay laman ng dyaryo dahil sila yung napatay o nanakawan ng mga boylet nila. Ang mga drag queens na nagkalat noon sa Malate o gay bars.

THE STRAIGHT KIND

Hindi ito katulad ng mga pa-macho. Sila talagang macho. Lalakeng lalake ang tindig at pananalita. Maaaring sila yung mga nahihilig sa sports, may mga chicks sa side pero kung tatanungin mo sila aamin sila na bading sila.  Yung tipong kapag nalaman ng ibang tao ang totoo sa kanila babagsak ang panga nila. Hindi mo aakalaing bakla pala. Ika nga, sila ang straight man... who likes to sleep with other men. Hindi banidoso, naniniwalang ang tunay na lalake ay walang abs. Yung mga bading na seryoso, hindi madalas nakakatawa. May angking kakulitan, gaya ng sa mga tunay na lalake. Pwedeng mapagkamalang paminta, pero open naman sila sa sexuality nila. Yung tipong di mo na kailangan ipangalandakan sa lahat na bading ka dahil hindi naman ganun ang kilos mo pero kung tatanungin mo, aamin sila..

THE PANGET NA NGA PANGET PA ANG UGALI KIND

Iba iba ang ganitong klaseng bading. May mga tolerable. Meron din naman na offensive, at minsan kriminal. Sila yung mga tipong nagbabahid ng di magandang kulay sa LGBT community. Yung mga ginagamit ang charm ng isang bading para makapangutang sa mga kinaibigan, tapos bigla na lang mawawala pagkatapos makangulimbat ng maraming pera. Yung mahilig magkalat ng tsismis.  Yung mga bading na hindi masaya kausap dahil wala ng ibang sasabihin sayo kundi mga ka-negahan sa buhay. Yung mga nakukulong dahil nangrerape ng mga batang lalaki. Yung mga nanlalasing ng mga kabarkada para tsansingan/bosohan ang mga ito. Pwedeng hindi sila panget, kaya aahasin nila ang boypren mo. Basta lahat ng bading na masama ang ugali, dito nakaclassify.

Marami pang iba. Andyan yung mga dating lalaki, pero may pechay na. Yung mga bading lang kumilos pero lalaki talaga. Yung mga babae kumilos kahit mas mukha pa silang lalake sa tatay nila at marami pang iba.

So, sino ka sa kanila?

NAALALA KO LANG

We were on our way home from our man-date in Tagaytay when we arrived on an intersection.

The light was red. We stopped.

It was an awkward moment. The first time we went out after the big friendship fallout. Save for the music playing on the radio, we just kept silent. Everything that need be said, was said. Except for that one thing.

“How did you feel when I told you I love you?” I asked.

Joy laughed. This was the first time we talked about it, since we became friends again. I thought the topic was taboo, as there was too much drama that happened after the huge revelation.

"Honestly bro, I felt betrayed. During that time, ang bigat ng loob ko diba, with the whole break-up thing, and ikaw yung isa sa mga nagbibigay lakas sakin nun. And then you had to do that."

He was already moving on when that incident happened. He was going out on dates again. I thought that I was losing him. And one drunken evening I made the mistake of texting him how I felt.

But he didn't have to know that. It's all over. Behind us. What we're doing, why we went out is rebuilding the friendship. It's been two years since we last saw each other, there's no need for drama.

"I'm sorry," I ended.

He smiled. Punched me in the arm and stepped on the gas. "Don't worry about it."

Suddenly, it's not awkward anymore.

*********************
There are two guys that I write alot about here in my blog. One's of course "Kasintahan." And the other one is Joy.

To those who are new here, Joy was the one who got away. The love that was not meant to be (well he's straight, that's why). The friend I almost lost. One of my best friends.

PARA KAY KASINTAHAN

Take this moment. Enjoy every second of  it.

You deserve it. 

You earned it.

Limang taon mo itong pinaghirapan. Limang taon ng pagod, puyat at pagsusunog ng kilay. 

I have seen you mature in a lot of ways the almost three years na magkakilala tayo. From gimikero na every weekend nasa bar at lasing, to now na nasa bahay at busy with work. Seryoso ka na din with your priorities and your attitude. Although there are still some things I'd wish you'd change, overall I'm still happy with the person you've become.

You have a bright future ahead of you. I am sure of that. Ngayon pa lang nakikita ko na how far you'll go with whatever career you choose. I know how hard you work and the quality of your output is something that is way better than anyone would expect. Just work on your patience. Matutunan mo sanang habaan pa ito.

Five years.

Rank second. 

Masteral degree.

Hon I hope you know how much I am proud of you.

I'm sorry I wasn't there on your commencement rites yesterday but be assured I will always be behind you wherever you go in your life.

Congratulations hon!!!

I love you.

WHY I LIKE HAVING STRAIGHT FRIENDS

The other night I had a really terrifying experience inside my room (the story I’ll write probably on Valentine’s Day). Those who follow me on twitter probably know this already.

Anyway, so there I was, alone in my room, awake at 2am. I can’t move as I was afraid I’d experience something ala Paranormal Activity. But thanks to technology, I was able to reach out to a friend who’s still awake at that ungodly hour.

We chatted for awhile and he kept me from thinking about those awful thoughts about whatever it was with me in my room.

But what I really appreciated about that little talk was this:

(We haven’t seen each other in about a bit over a year and were talking about hanging out with each other)

Friend:  Dyan na lang tayo house mo at baka may makakita sakin may kasamang badingerz

Friend:  Haha joke lang ha!!!

Friend:  Weekday nga game ako… Pero aga nga tulog mo

Friend:  Sunduin na lang kita sa office niyo. Pero kailangan mo matulog latest by 1pm… Hirap ka nun Gusto ko manggulo hanggang merienda at least

Gillboard: Gago, di ako obvious no!!

Gillboard:  Pag nagleave nga ako sasabihan kita… ang hirap mo ayain!!! Hahaha

Friend:  Oo nga noh… Chaka friends tayo, aalahanin mo babantayan ko palage pag napadaan mata mo sa zipper ko.

Gillboard:  Sira!!! Yaan mo, tapos na panahon na may pagnanasa ako sayo no!!!

Gillboard:  Ewwww nay un ngayon! Yuck, incest lang.

Friend:  Sige, set na yan. Kapalit nyan mahal na gift mo dito. Pasensya na at hirap ako ha.

Friend:  Pero may value to saken kayak o ibibigay sayo.

Gillboard:  Okay lang, di naman ako choosy.

Friend:  Ulul!!! Mataas taste mo noh. Inambition mo ako eh. Hahaha Peace bro.

Gillboard:   Nagkamali nga ako noh. Kaya di na naulit.

Friend:  Kapal ng mukha mo! Kaibigan mo pa ako nun! Sapakin kita eh.

Gillboard:  Hahaha. Kaya nga nagsorry eh.

Friend:  Sabagay, iba nga naman talaga yung tipo ko pala. Thanks to you, isa ka sa mga nagparealize saken na di ako panget.

Friend:  Pasalamat ka, basta kaibigan ko, for life na yun… Kaya di ka nagkamali.. Gago!

Gillboard|:  Salamat ha! Hehehe

Friend:  Pero bilang ko pa rin tingin sa zipper ko. Hahahaha

For the record, I never looked at the guy’s zipper. BTW this was Joy. If you don’t remember, he was the friend I fell in love with.  I told him the truth. He avoided me for two years. Then we became friends again. Until now.

Conversations like this make me happy I have straight friends.

5:20

When you can't sleep at 3 o'clock in the morning, there are  certain things that comes to mind.Things that you don't necessarily think of when you're busy working or doing whatever.

So at 3 o'clock I was thinking of the word trust.

It has been proven time and again specially nowadays that it's hard to trust people. Specially these days when meeting a new person  is just one click away. You don't really get to screen them anymore if they are trustworthy or would stab you in the back the minute you turn your back around.

I've been burned a lot of times. The feeling sucks when that happens.

One befriended me so she can borrow money. Once she got that, she just disappeared.

One became a friend. But then did something wrong with my partner.

One was initially sweet but when I failed to reciprocate the sweetness, tried to turn people against me.

And then there's one who's just plain nasty even when I'm around.

I've moved on from these things. They are petty, and dwelling over them is just childish.

But it's 3 o'clock in the morning.

And I can't get my eyes to close.

Specially now, since I sent my mother a message meant to be sent to 'Kasintahan.'

TIMELINE

Engel's timeline after he created this blog two years ago.



August '09 - Started this second blog anonymously. Followed and got followed by other pink bloggers.



September '09 - Became fully engrossed in this home. Posted more regularly and got more regular readers and commenters.



October '09 - Not anonymous anymore. Met a blogger and after a day became his beau.



November '09 - Not a month after, they broke up.



December '09 - Because of the mess that was his lovelife, attempted to say goodbye. Took him a week to come back.



January '10 - Started flirting with other bloggers. Other bloggers started flirting back.



February '10 - Met 5 bloggers on his birthday. Had a huge crush upon meeting Lukayo, Johnny

Cursive and Maxwell.



March '10 - On his third day of making spontaneous decisions, decided to close down this blog... again.



April '10 - Took him three weeks this time to come back to writing. Courting the Kid more aggressively this time.



May '10 - Sex blogs started to grow. I blamed Soltero (just kidding). Oh, and Engel's not single anymore (seriously this time). Finally met birthday boy Nyl and Kane.



June '10 - Nothing much happened.



July '10 - Bought a Playstation 3 console.



August '10 - Started posting about relationship. Wrote about sex life. Wrote about sex. Fail!!! Iurico told me he hated me one time because he thought I did something. Got promoted.



September '10 - Makmak's dilemma with his "love life" reached a climax. Became constant companion during Thursday mass in St. Jude.



October '10 - Finally opened up about on the truth about an ex.



November '10 - The Kid started writing for this blog. Readers got a taste of the nosebleed. I guess except for Red the Mod and Kaloy. 6th lunaversary with the Kid.



December '10 - Met with alot of bloggers. Formed a huge crush on one that became his friend. Crush had to end. Still in love with the Kid.



January '11 - Met one anonymous blogger who Engel had a huge crush on since 2008. Finally put a face on that smiley he used to hide his face in when he posted pictures of himself. Gorgeous gorgeous man. Promised this will be the year he'll lose weight.



February '11 - Quiet birthday with blog friends. A schoolmate got killed by a couple of kids he met in Malate. Initial findings say robbery was motive. Mourned death by eating. Got promoted again.



March '11 - No blog posts. Writer's block. Probably know readers got tired of reading every single significant event in relationship that's been chronicled. Busied himself by eating more.



April '11 - Posts became seldom for both blogs. Gave other bloggers time to shine. Not updated anymore on happenings in blog world.



May '11 - Celebrated 1st year anniversary with Kid... separately. I had to attend to a friend's wedding in Boracay, and the Kid didn't have money to follow. Oh yeah, and friendship with a blogger friend ended because he groped my Kid.



June '11 - After not being able to look at his Boracay pictures, decided to finally start losing weight. Annual Physical Exam showed, he finally reached 200 lbs. Disgusted with himself.



July '11 - Lost 20 lbs!!! Celebrated by eating.



August '11 - Have not looked in the scales yet, but is already in the 170's range. 177 the last time I looked. Celebrated two years of Engel.



Happy blog birthday to me!!!

TALES FROM THE CLOSET

When you haven't outed yourself, you get alot of questions. People specially your family have alot of expectations. Unfortunately some of them want those expectations met.

Sometimes it's frustrating (if this seems familiar, I already wrote this somewhere else and in Filipino).

Tita: Engel, when are you going to get married?
Engel: It might take awhile.
Tita: Aren't you afraid you might get left behind. You're not getting any younger.
Engel: I'm fine. I'm a guy. I'm not worried about having kids.
Engel: And besides, I'm happy where I am right now.
Tita: That's not a good idea. If you get kids when you're older, who do you think will take care of them? When you hit 60 do you think you could still take care of a teenager?
Tita: I'm just worried you won't be able to take care of your children.
Engel: How about you tita, when are you going to get married?
Tita: is offline

**********
Another Tita: Technology's great, yeah.
Engel: Yeah.
Tita: You get to talk to family hundreds of miles away.
Tita: You see their pictures.
Engel: Yup.
Tita: I especially like facebook.
(me thinking to myself uh-oh)
Tita: You get updated with old friends
Tita: Classmates.
Tita: Family.
Engel: Yup. Yup.
Tita: You.
Tita: So I see on your profile you're in a relationship
Engel: ...
Tita: ...
Engel: ...
Tita: ...
Engel: ...
Tita: Aren't you going to tell me about your girlfriend?
Engel: is offline.

**********
Maybe it'll be easier if I just out myself.

TRUST ISSUES

"Do you trust me?" the Kid asked Sunday morning.

I said yes.

It hurts when your lover does it. But it hurts more when a friend does.

**********
Last week, when I went to Boracay, I entrusted the Kid to another couple (let's call them blogger and bf). The firts gay couple that we've befriended. The Kid likes them both as the bf is of the same age range as he is.

We've been friends for awhile now. I think we've met twice before last week, me and the blogger more prior. We've grown accustom to each other as we often chat with each other and joke around. The bf's been inviting the Kid to either the blogger's province or bf's home since we last met with them. And since I'll be away, the Kid decided he'd sleep over the bf's place.

I've been wary about them ever since, specially the blogger. I knew he had a crush on the Kid. Sometimes when we chat, he'd joke around about taking the Kid away from me. I didn't mind because he does that all the time.

**********
Thursday, the Kid met with the couple. Everything was fine. They saw a movie and the Kid's been texting with me and calling me for most of the day and night. So I thought everything was okay.

We met last weekend to celebrate our anniversary. I just woke up and we were about to do it when he asked that question. He told me something happened Friday morning.

It was around 2am. The blogger, bf and the kid were all about to sleep. They've been talking about life, about us. Suddenly, the blogger hugged the kid. He kissed him. And then put his hand inside the Kid's shorts. The kid did so too, but he hesitated. The blogger said it isn't right.

The Kid was crying when he told me the story. He thought this was the end of our relationship.

But I didn't think it was his fault. Blogger should not have done that. What's worse was he did it in front of the bf. The bf didn't mind. He thought that somehow these things are a part of gay relationships.

It's disturbing.

The friendship ended that day. I have forgiven them, but thought it would be better to go our separate ways.

I thought it was hard to find friends. I guess it's harder to trust people now too.

NINE MONTHS

In nine months...

• I knew how it felt being a teen-ager again
• I received and sent love letters (more received than sent)
• I felt happy finally knowing how it feels when couples argue and fight.
• And I feel happier that all the fighting and arguing are settled
• I became someone's first time
• I learned about philosophy
• And was lectured on saving money
• We've met 'our friends' not just his or mine... but ours
• I am, have been and will always be happy.

He said we shouldn't count. But honestly I don't care. This is the longest relationship I have had. And it's nice.
He may not be with me on my birthday, but he knows, he is already the best birthday gift.

THE TRUTH ABOUT THE EPIC FAILS

A couple years back in my other home I wrote about a few of my failed worldly escapades. A journal of some of the dumbest things I did when I was still younger.

Mind you, my blog back then was a straight blog, so to avoid being found out, I kept some details regarding my trysts. I don’t want to lie in my blog, so I wrote it in Filipino to avoid specifying the gender of my partners back then.

I’ve been backreading my other blog looking for something to write for this home when I stumbled upon that particular post. I thought why not tell the truth about those escapades. So I decided to translate it and share what really happened then.

Here’s the original post if you want to compare.

WHY I NORMALLY DON’T BRING PARTNERS HOMEApart from my partner, I normally don’t bring guys to my home. I have nosy neighbours who tell my parents every detail of what they hear or say about other people. I’m the single guy in the street. I don’t want others thinking I’m not straight since most of them have been bugging me to go out with their daughters or not so hot lady friends.

Anyway, I was still in college when I brought someone home. Back then we lived in the old house. It was a bungalow. Unlike now wherein I sleep in the 2nd floor, back then my room was just beside the backyard. The guy I brought home was Jason (I mentioned him a couple of times already… he was my obsession).

He was really hot and our libidos were scorching. So we decided to lock ourselves up in my room. To cut the story short, we just popped in a porn video and started mimicking what we were watching.

In the middle of doing the dirty little deed, in the middle of delirium, my eyes chanced upon my bedroom window. And there it is the most shocking sight to behold. On the other side of my bedroom window was my grandmother.

We stared at each other for like forever. And when she finally realized she was staring at her grandson, she immediately left.

She said, “don’t mind me I’m just pulling out the laundry.”

WHY I DON’T DO SOPIf you ask me now I really don’t get the phone deed. I’ve only done it recently because me and the Kid, we don’t really see each other often. But doing the deed with strangers, I’m really baffled by it.

Back when I was still single, if someone said that they wanted to do it with me, I’d immediately cut communications with that person. It doesn’t really turn me on.

Maybe because the first time I did it, I did it with a girl. And it was hilarious. Here’s what happened.

Remember when I was really young, I was addicted to those text channels where you send your number on air hoping to find other horny teen-agers. I did meet one girl. She was game. And she sounded really hot. And I was really horny.
I was actually looking to really score that night, but the girl didn’t want to, so I settled with the phone deed. In fairness she seemed to know what she was doing. She was describing what she was doing. Taking off her clothes. Her undies. She was asking me to moan for her. And I was doing what she asked me to do.

But then she said, “shit, nangingisay ako!”

I was like huh? WTF?! Did she just say nangingisay? And I imagined her having seizure or being electrocuted or something. And I laughed hysterically. I can’t stop laughing because I was imagining her having seizure.

Yeah, she dropped the phone on me.

WHY I DON’T DO SEB
That text channel was like the source of some of my epic fails in my youth. I’ve had a few hits with the channel (with Jason and some other hot one night stands), but a lot of the people I met there were epic fails.

I think I was enjoying unemployment that time so midnights are really like afternoons for me. I was always tuned in to that channel hoping I’d find someone interesting… or really horny. I found the latter.

The guy I met was witty. He was funny and he seemed really smart. He wasn’t boring. And he sounded like he was really good looking on the phone. So we flirted for a couple of days. Then he invited me over to his apartment since he said he was alone that time. I was horny (obviously) so I thought what the heck. We need to have sex every once in awhile. And there I went.

I really had this picture of the guy in my mind from listening to his voice. He kind of sounded like that kid from the Mara Clara remake. He really sounded good. Like when God showered man with great voices he was up front and center. But he left just in time when God gave away good looks.

He was really a challenge to look at. I was like, fuck, what have I gotten myself into?! But what can I do really, I was already there. And he was already all over me, kissing my neck, grabbing my crotch. He was in heat, and unfortunately I was the sun. He pulled my shorts and started sucking. But I wouldn’t get stiff. It was the longest five minutes of my life. When I couldn’t take it anymore, I pulled it out of him and put on my clothes. I apologized and I left hurriedly.

Just as I left their gate it started raining. It was a different kind of wet that I wanted to that night.

WHY I ALWAYS BRING CONDOMSI think it was about six years ago when I met another horny guy in the text chatroom. I’ve had so many fails already that time that I got smarter. Before meeting up with people I first look at their Friendster profile. And at that time I hit the jackpot.

The guy was not bad to look at. He had a great figure. And best of all he liked me too.

We both didn’t have a place back then so we decided to rent a room. We went to Eurotel in Las Piñas. We were already in heat even before getting there grabbing each other every chance we got. When we got in the room, we were all over each other. Kissing. Licking. Necking. Petting. Whatever, it was game on! It was my first time doing it in a motel and I wanted it to be great. But then he asked me…

“You have protection?”

“What?”

“Condom?”

“None, I’ll just pull it out when I’m almost there…” I said.

“No, I don’t do it without protection.”

Fuck. I didn’t have one. Well I did, but it was four years old. And I didn’t think to buy one on the way. We were horny as hell, but we didn’t want to buy one anymore. And I didn’t want to ring room service if they have one because it’s embarrassing.

We ended up just jerking each other. So anti-climactic.

We slept beside each other with a pillow in between us.

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Relish this post as I don't do this normally in my blogs and probably wouldn't do this again for a long time.

NO SUGAR COATING

“I want to talk to you, but when you’re there, I don’t know what to say anymore.”

“Don’t be clingy.”

“I just want you to be malambing.”

“I wouldn’t want you to be mature if that means you’d lose the things I love about you.”

“Last night, I was so angry that I could have broken up with you.”

“You don’t know me.”

“I wouldn’t be patient for you all the time.”

“Talk to me when you don’t have tantrums anymore.”

“Do you still love me?” “I don’t know.”

“Stop saying sorry if you’re still going to do it.”

“I’m getting tired.”

“Do you want to cool off?”

That’s how the Kid and I are when we fight. But none of us wants to give up. More than anything I know we love each other. It hurts when you hear those words again in your head. I’m sure he feels the same way.

Everyone goes through this.

We’re fine.

I’m just writing this, because it only sank in that words when said, they hurt. I want to remember how much it does so I’ll be careful in saying them.

CHICKBOY

Oo na. May double meaning ang title. Hindi ako chickboy dahil lang ako’y matinik sa chicks pero dahil pwede ako sa chick at pwede din sa boy.

Hayaan niyo muna akong magbuhat ng bangko ng sandali. Ang inyong lingkod kasi ay nakatanggap ng isang liham sa facebook noong isang araw. Nominado daw ako sa isang patimpalak kung saan nililista ang 100 sa pinakapoging blogger sa blogosperyo.

Pwede ba magwithdraw? Ako na mismo ang magsasabi, hindi ako gwapo!

Anyway, syempre dun sa nakaisip na ilista ang pangalan ko. Maraming salamat, pero kailangan mo yata ng salamin. Marunong lang ako magsulat. Period.

At dahil sa nominasyon na iyon, naisip ko tuloy na isulat ang lahat ng mga nakadate, naligawan, naging syota, nabasted at kung anu-ano ni Gillboard simula nang magsulat siya sa blog na ito (5 years of whatevers). Ieexempt ko muna si Kasintahan dito, baka magsawa na kayo sa mga kwentong Kasintahan ko.

Oo na. Ako na talaga!!!

SI MONDAYSi Monday yung aking nakakasabay sa fx sa pagpasok mga dalawang taon na ang nakakaraan. Sa mga nagbabasa ng blog ko noon pa, sorry, pero ang totoo lalaki po si Monday. Nagtatrabaho siya sa may PBCom Tower noon (di ko alam kung hanggang ngayon). Tinawag ko siyang Monday dahil nagkakasabay kami tuwing Lunes lang. Di ko alam kung bakit, pero Lunes lang talaga kami nagkikita. Walang namagitan samin. Puros titigan. Sulyapan. Ngitian. Dikitan ng braso at tuhod. At napakaraming awkward silences. Huling nakita ko siya, nag babye siya sa akin sa fx paglabas ko. Looking back, sign na yata yun na wala talaga kaming pag-asa. Not meant to be ang drama.

SI DATESi Date eh unintentionally, nabasted ko kasi wala akong kwentang kausap. Sinong mag-aakala, pero girl naman ito. Hindi ko alam kung anong sumanib sa akin at nageksperimento akong maging straight noong mga panahong iyon. Dahil siguro nagsisimula na ang summer nun at gusto kong mag-init. Hindi ko talaga alam. Mabait si Date. Maganda. Nadevelop sa akin. Pero noong nagsimula na siyang magparamdam na may pag-asa ako pag niligawan ko siya. Ako yung umatras. Binasted ko siya. Nang hindi sinasadya. Nasabi ko lang naman na hindi pa ako handa na pumasok sa relasyon. Hindi na kami nag-usap after nun.

SI DESPERATE TEXTMATESiya ang dahilan kaya ayaw ko ng mga textmate. Magpapasko noon. At syempre dahil ilang taon din akong kasapi ng SMP, gumawa ako ng paraan para maging excluded nun. Unfortunately, nakilala ko si DT. Lahat ng senyales na di ko siya dapat patulan ay nakita ko. Jejemon siya magtext. Ang panget ng boses niya. Isa siyang malaking negastar. Pero mas malakas ang hatak na ayaw kong maging depressed sa Pasko kaya di ako tumigil. Kaya nung araw na nagkita kami, hindi na ako nagulat sa nakita ko. Oo, panget ako, pero siya… Medyo nasuka ako ng konti, at nalunok ko ulit ito. At ang nakakaloka, gusto pa niya maghalikan kami sa harap ng fountain sa MOA. Hindi ko yun kinaya. Tumakbo talaga ako nung nagpaalamanan na kami. Di ko siya kiniss.

SI SINGERSaglit lang ito. Isang date. Nanood kami ng Villa Estrella kasi walang masyadong tao. Akala niya pwede ako gumawa ng milagro sa sinehan. Hindi no. Binatang Pilipino kaya ito. Sa CR ako gumagawa ng milagro at hindi sa sinehan (isang malaking JOKE). Aaminin ko, kamunduhan lang talaga ang habol naming sa isa’t isa pero ayaw ng kapalaran na maging makamundo kami. Tuwing may nagyayaya sa amin na lumabas, palaging hindi pwede ang isa. Hanggang sa nagkasawaan na lang.

SI INDIE ACTOREx ko siya. Hindi siya sikat. At isa pa lang ang pelikula niya. Pero may hitsura siya tsaka fan page. Maliit nga lang (ang height). Eto katawang lupa lang talaga ang habol naming sa isa’t isa. Dahil may chemistry kami sa kwarto. Pero pag nagaattempt kami na kilalanin ang isa’t isa laging sa away nauuwi ang usapan namin. At saka nakunsensya ako. Subordinate ko siya sa opisina ko dati. Sobrang bad ko nung kami pa. Di bagay sa akin.

Madami pa akong naging mga pagkakamali na kulang ang dalawang blog para ilista. Pero dun ako natuto. Sa kanila ako nagmature. At sila ang naging dahilan kung bakit, kahit papaano ay nagiging mabuti akong kasintahan ngayon.

Pero hindi talaga ako pogi. Promise. May appeal lang.

*****************

PS: Meron po akong ginawang Facebook Page para sa blog na ito. Ilike niyo naman. Parang awa niyo na.

Click niyo lang ito...

Thank you.

THE SIMPLE THINGS

Engel is not really difficult to please. He’s really easy. So easy, he’s like a man-whore.

These are the things that make him smile.

Army Navy Freedom Fries and Cheese Quesadilla
Krispy Kreme Original Glazed Donut
James Morrison and Jon Mclaughlin songs
Starbucks Venti Iced White Chocolate Mocha
Video Games
A sweet text from The Kid
Any kind of text message from his friends
Oishi Caramel Popcorn and Jack & Jill Piattos
New blog comments (even those from anonymous commentors who disagree with him)
Videoke

See, he’s not that hard to please. Is he?

BUSTED RADAR

My gaydar is busted. I don’t think mine ever works. I’m always surprised whenever someone comes out of the closet. Knowing that, I can’t sniff out people like us, unless they’re really out. But sometimes my ears wander, and the things I hear make me suspicious if the people who utter them are really straight or not. Or maybe I’m just malicious.

While in the FX:
Hunky PATTS Student 1: Napanuod ko kagabi si Jewel Mische, ang ganda niya ngayon pre.
PATTS Student 2: Yung sa TV Patrol ba yun? Sa channel 2 na daw siya?
HPS1: Oo. Ewan ko ba, mas maganda talaga siya ngayon.
PS2: Lahat naman ng lumilipat sa 2, gumaganda.
HPS1: Oo nga no, si Karylle. Ka-love team niya ngayon si Gerald
PS2: Ows? Ano na nangyari sa kanila ni Kim Chiu?
HPS1: Hiwalay sila.
PS2: Ah talaga? Sayang naman.
HPS1: Bakit pre, Kimerald ka ba?
PS2: Di no!!! Bea – John Lloyd to. Solid!!!
HPS1: hahaha. Ako Bea – Sarah.

Another instance in the FX:
Girlfriend: Bakit di mo sinasagot yung tawag ko kanina?
Boyfriend: Nanunuod ako ng Glee (this was I think a couple of weeks ago, the wedding episode).

And lastly, a few weeks ago at a colleague’s videoke party:
Cute Guy: (sings Too Many Walls)
Me: Is that guy gay?
Colleague: No. He’s straight. He just likes to sing 80’s songs.
Me: Ahhhhhh. Cool.

I’m confused.

Or disappointed.

OF THOSE WHO WON'T GO AWAY

If there’s one thing that Engel is not comfortable in, it’s dealing with exes. As much as possible he does not want to be dealing with them. They’re bitter. They compete. They remind you of your past mistakes.

Last Sunday, Engel went to Marikina to meet up with his old friends when lo and behold the first person to greet him in the city is the one person he wants to be avoiding. Cedric, the good time guy.

Cedric was the subordinate when Engel was still a Supervisor. They would sneak off in the middle of the shift to make out in his apartment. He was the ex, who was just all about the sex. Well, to be honest, the sex was great. But he also made Engel one of his male mistresses. Engel was number three. So it did not work out. Now, the good time guy is an indie film actor.

He was with number one. When their eyes met, the good time guy’s eyes widened. It could be surprise. Or shock. He certainly did not expect to bump into Engel that day.

Engel can only say hi. And fake a smile.

The ex greeted him. It was an awkward moment. Engel noticed the ex immediately grabbed his current’s hand. The ex mouthed ‘my boyfriend’ to Engel while pointing at the current.

Engel nodded.

Out of nowhere, the ex grabbed his current’s face and gave him a wet one. Then they left.

Okay, Engel thought. That was mature. It immediately reminded him how bad the relationship was. As awesome as the sex was, the relationship was equally bad.

Engel smirked. In his mind, he felt bad for the current. He was old, bald, and Engel is pretty sure that Cedric’s cheating on him. Thank God, Engel’s grown up and chose better.

Sigh.

Exes.

Can’t live with them.

And they just won’t go away.

But then again, Engel is somebody's ex too.

QUICK HITS X: LOW-PROFILE BLOGGERS

Been blog hopping lately, and I must say I’m really impressed with a lot of the new bloggers emerging on this side of the blogosphere.

Gone were the days when sex was the main hook of writers. Heck, even Soltero’s starting to become sentimental.

But the new ones these days, I’m just wowed by how talented some of the new writers have become. I get nosebleed every time I open the blog of one of the new people I follow. The last time I’ve read so many awesome online journals was when this blog was still new.

Sex still sells though. There’s this one blog I keep on following, not because of his posts but because he’s just hot. He doesn’t do sex posts, which is great, and he’s low profile. I like low profile bloggers.

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Speaking of low profile bloggers or bloggers in general, I wonder if all of them open up blogs to become famous.

A lot may disagree, but I think people nowadays do this to get noticed, to become popular. There are even bloggers who put up a blog so they’d be able to meet other bloggers too.

I’m not going to lie but there was a time when I wanted to become a celebrity through my blog. That’s a long shot, still is, but there are days when I hope to achieve that. I’m pretty sure a lot of people share the same sentiment. I mean if that’s not an intention, you could always keep the blog private. Or better yet, just stay writing on journals or notebooks.

There’s absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to become a celebrity or famous using blogs as a medium. It is a growing trend which shows no signs of declining soon.

I shouldn’t really be worrying or thinking about this too much. Everyone’s got a reason for writing, and it’s their home. I shouldn’t be concerned too much.

I shouldn't be concerned at all.

WHIRLWIND

Was reading Iurico’s latest endeavour with romance and I realized what’s wrong with PLU relationships.

Not that he’s doing anything wrong. This is only my opinion. I may be wrong, but I’ve been looking at patterns, with mine and people I read about in the blogosphere. We love whirlwind romances. We meet someone today, and then tomorrow we’re a couple. A week / month later, we break up.

This is a generalization. I’m sure not everyone does this. But it is common. I read about it a lot. I’ve done it a few times. And now I ask, what’s wrong with waiting?

You hear a lot of these stories. Two people danced with each other for the first time one night, the next day they’re a couple. Someone texts or talks over the phone for 5 hours, and on the sixth they’re already in a relationship. You see someone eyeing you at a mall, an hour later you have a boyfriend.

With my past endeavours, I remember feeling that after a couple of hours conversing with each other, that I already know a person. Add the fact that the guy was sweet, and the next day I was updating my relationship status. A few weeks later, I discover things about the person that I really didn’t like.

I don’t know why people always have to be in a hurry. We settle for what we see on the surface, then regret when we finally discover their imperfections, things that are irritating about them. And then we realize we don’t know them at all. A few days later, we’re single again.

Whatever happened to the getting-to-know-each-other stage? What happened to the courting period? Or am I just thinking of straight relationships? Why do people have to be in a hurry to fall in love?

SINCERITY

Can someone truly be happy for others?

I’m not really sure. The world is full of bitter people. They feign happiness for people, but rant about it with others.

It doesn’t suck. I guess its human nature for people to be bitter. Maybe it’s because they don’t own what other people have. It could also be because they can’t do stuff as well as others. Or they're just jealous.

But it makes you question the sincerity. Do people really mean it when they say they’re happy for you?

I mean if you're going to be insincere about it, might as well just shut up, right?

It just makes someone sound like a sore loser.

Yeah, I'm a jerk. I'm an ass and a prick.

And I'm not gonna apologize about it.