THREE MONTHS

Three months.

That's how old this blog is.

And in that whole time, I have been sharing things about my life that I wasn't able to when I was still writing for my other blog. It's liberating. I like that I could be myself and not worry that people will judge me.

I opted not to share with my old blog friends this new home because honestly even if I have acquainted myself with alot of them, the truth is, I really don't know those people. I've been writing as a straight guy for years. Some of them have even rooted for me when I blogged about me courting or dating someone. I can't tell those people that I wasn't totally honest.

When I started this blog, I initially decided to just keep it to myself, let other bloggers who are like me find this one out to avoid having people from my other home read about this. I doubt that they'll be able to recognize my style as it is 180 degrees different from the way I write before. There have been times that those people stumble here, others just passed by, some stayed. And then there are those whom I still followed confident they won't really recognize who I was. But then there are days that I slip up. Commenting as the new guy but writing as the old me. Signs that I'm growing older.

In the three months of Engel's existence, I've met alot of wonderful people. I have learned alot. I wouldn't be sharing my challenges, my problems and my experiences if I feel that I'm not gaining anything from it. Some of things I've learned may have given me regrets in some of the decisions I've made. But no matter, what's important is I understand things better and I appreciate this alternative lifestyle a bit more.

And for that I thank everyone who's followed. Commented. Visited. Those who said I was interesting. Those who unfollowed. Those who hopped and never came back. Those who asked to exchange links but did not do their end of the bargain. Basically everyone who bumped into this little site of mine and found it worth a glimpse, a read and eventually worth coming back to. I am humbled and I appreciate all of you. I hope I'll be able to meet you in person.

I said I'll write only in bits and pieces, but I think I've shared too much already. I don't really know what to tell anymore.

There are still alot of things I'm eager to learn. I want to discover. This blog will be a part of it. I hope you will be too.

Three months. I've enjoyed the ride so far.

KWENTONG HALLOWEEN

Ang sabi nila doon sa lote na kinatatayuan ng bahay namin may nakatirang ilang mga espiritung hanggang ngayon ay hindi pa nakikita ang liwanag. Paano, napakatahimik sa bahay namin, lalo na pag wala ako sa bahay. Binubuksan lang ng nanay ko ang tv kapag Wowowee na o kaya nama'y Big Brother Uber na yung palabas.

Sabi ng may "third eye" na napapadaan sa amin, meron daw matandang lalake sa harap ng bintana ng lumang bahay namin. Minsan daw merong bata na nakaupo doon sa may terrace sa ikatlong palapag ng bagong bahay namin. Tapos kung saan saan pa.

Paminsan-minsan, kapag ako'y umaakyat na patungo ko sa kwarto, makakaaninag ako ng babae sa may pintuan ng banyo. O kaya'y makikita ko sa gilid ng mata ko minsa'y may batang nakaupo sa hagdanan namin. Maaaring guni-guni lang ng pagod kong mata kakacomputer ang nakikita ko. Pero dahil tatlo lang kami ng mga magulang ko sa bahay kaya hindi na ako nagtatanong kung ano yun. Baka tabihan pa ako sa pagtulog ko.

*************

Nagsimula akong makaramdam noong bata pa ako.

Noong buhay pa ang pinsan ko, madalas siyang nanggugulat. Tatalon sa kama namin sabay mangingiliti. Mang-aasar lang. Namatay siya dahil nahulog sa condo unit na tinitirahan nila ng kapatid niya.

Ilang araw makalipas nang siya ay ilibing, madalas na siyang nagpaparamdam. Minsan, habang nanunuod ako ng tv, bigla na lang lulubog ang kama ko, na para bang may tumalon. Tapos, minsan habang pinipilit kong matulog, bigla na lang parang may tumatabi sa akin. Hindi ko nakikita, pero alam kong yun yung kuya ko, nagbabantay sakin.

**********

Bakasyon noong hayskul ako, at nagbababad sa telepono nang hatinggabi. Kausap ko ang kaklase ko, at nakikibalita sa mga kaganapan sa buhay-buhay nito.

Dahil hindi naman talaga ako makwento, tahimik lang ako na nakikinig sa mga pinuntahan ng kaibigan nang nagdaang linggo.

Gising na gising pa ako, at mulat sa lahat ng nangyayari sa paligid nang biglang hindi lang iisa ang naririnig kong nagsasalita. Sa kabilang tenga ko, may bumubulong ng kung anu-ano na hindi ko naiintindihan. Nanginig ako, at nabagsak ang telepono. Walang tao sa paligid.

Nang itanong ko sa kaklase kung may narinig siya, wala raw. Baka daw nakatulog lang ako. Pero alam kong gising na gising ako.

**********

Isang linggo pa lang akong natutulog sa bagong kwarto ko sa bagong bahay namin. Isang gabi, nanaginip ako ng masama.

Pilit kong ginigising ang sarili ko. Alam kong gising na ako, ang kulang na lang ay imulat ang mata, pero hindi ko magawa. Nararamdaman kong may nakapatong sa akin at pinipigilan akong bumangon at gumising. Alam kong madilim, pero may naaaninagan akong anino ng bata na hinihila ang mga paa at kamay kong pataas. Pero nakaupo siya sa dibdib ko. Naririnig ko yung
batang tumatawa.

Nagsimula akong magdasal ng Ama Namin. Ang bigat ng mata ko, pero salamat sa Diyos, naibuka ko ito.

Malakas ang bentilador, at malamig ang panahon, pero basang-basa ako ng pawis.

**********

Sa kwarto ng Tita ko madalas ako matulog kapag tag-init dahil yun lang yung kwartong may aircon.

Minsan, nagigising ako ng madaling araw dahil maingay sa labas ng bintana ko. Ang harap ng kwarto nila ay terrace.

Madalas akong nakakarinig ng mga batang naghahabulan sa labas ng bintana namin. Ni minsan, eh inisip kong kapitbahay lang ang mga ito, dahil kahit bakasyon, walang matinong bata ang maglalaro ng habulan alasdos ng madaling araw.

Hindi na ako bumabangon, at pinapatugtog ko na lang ang radyo ng telepono ko nang hindi na marinig ang mga bata sa labas ng bahay ko.

**********

Hindi ako nakakakita ng multo, at ni minsan hindi ko pinapangarap na makakita nito. Wala akong balak. Wala akong lakas-ng-loob. Pero minsan, sa gilid ng mata ko, may nakikita akong mga aninong gumagalaw, kahit ako lang mag-isa sa bahay.

Sabihin man nating hindi ako naniniwala sa mga multo, sadyang meron talagang mga bagay na magbibigay ng dahilan upang tayo ay magdalawang-isip.
Happy Halloween!!!

COULD BE

Reading back through the last post, Engel realized that there's probably something wrong with him. It may further prove that he might possibly be straight. It's actually annoying as he sometimes tell people that he's looking for 'the one'. But when a prospect comes along he's the first one running away from it.

Look at it this way. He cut his ties with one guy because he felt that that guy was only in it for the sex. Once he let go of a suitor because he started getting addicted to Final Fantasy 12. He stopped seeing a doctor who liked him because he thought the doctor wouldn't have time for him. He broke up with his officemate because he felt that the boy was too clingy, demanding and immature. And now, he decided to just be friends with this kid because he's well, a kid.

All of them crappy excuses. Bullshit.

Anyone would try to work things out if they felt there's something worth taking a risk. They'd even appreciate that someone fell for them. But not Engel. He'd push those who are getting close to him away. He analyzes things thinking it could be better when it's probably making things worse.

Engel didn't know why he did those things. He says one thing but does the opposite.

He didn't know why.

But it could be he does now.

Probably the reason why he does all those things.

Is because he's commitment-phobic.















Or he's just an idiot.

What do you think?

MAY-DECEMBER

One of the rules I've set upon myself in terms of the people I pursue is to not fall for boys much younger than I am. This weekend I broke that rule.

I met Chris last Saturday night and we had a pretty lengthy phone conversation. He's 19 years old, a student and he said that at that moment he was straight. He has a girlfriend, but he was curious about an alternative lifestyle. So he had a few questions which wasn't uncommon for me because when I was the same age those were the questions I was asking myself.

So while being an older brother to the young padwan, I accidentally got the guy to fall for me. Towards the end of the conversation, things turned to something unexpected. He got confused. I'm sure when we started talking he was pretty confident about his sexuality, but by the end not only did I have him question his sexuality, I also made him fall for me. Worse, I fell for the kid.

I have had a bad experience with a kid. I was 23, he was 18 or 19. We rushed into the relationship because we liked how our conversation over the phone. It ended a couple of weeks later with the kid telling me that I have no knowledge of the word love. That was when I said no more kids. And I was doing pretty well. Until now.

Sunday morning I received a message from Chris telling me that he wasn't fully honest with all the details he gave me the night before. He was actually supposed to set me up with his friend as a prank. He said he didn't expect to feel how he felt for me. That wouldv'e been cue for me to let the kid go. But he said he was being honest because he wants to start things right between us.

Last night we had another conversation. I got to know him better. I liked him more, but I noticed he may not really be ready for this kind of lifestyle. I think I was actually pushing him to pursue me.

Anyway I woke up today feeling guilty about what I did last night. I was taking advantage of his confusion. That's not right. In the end, if I pursue the matter, he'd probably end up hating me. If it did work out, I probably would've had him half-baked. Whatever happens I think in the end one of us would end up with a broken heart.

Maybe I was thinking that if I did pursue him, given his situation, he's going to be my responsibility and I may not be ready to have to carry that burden.

This morning I said goodbye. It's probably the right thing to do. I just hate that it feels so wrong.

I did the right thing. Right?

LOLA

Alas sais ng umaga regular akong kumakain sa McDonald's sa kanto ng village namin.

Semi-suki ako ng kainan na ito dahil walang nagluluto sa bahay namin tuwing umaga. Pagdating ko mula trabaho sa umaga, nakahilata pa sa kama ang aking mga magulang. Alas-diyes na ang mga ito kung gumising.

Habang nag-aalmusal, dumating ang isang pares ng mag-ina. Matatanda na sila. Yung anak, maaaring nasa edad kwarenta na, habang ang nanay na akay-akay ay maaaring nasa sitenta na. Matanda na si lola at mukhang tuwang-tuwa ginawa para sa kanya ng anak.

"Oh ayan nanay ha. Kakain na tayo sa McDonald's! Alam ko gustung-gusto mo dito! Masaya ka ba nay?"

"Aba syempre naman hijo! Sayang di kasama si Ria."

"Nay natutulog pa po si Ria. Uuwian na lang natin ng pagkain yung apo niyo ha." paliwanag ng anak.

Hindi magkahawig ang mag-ina sa isip-isip ko. Mukhang may kaya ang lalake, habang mukhang nanggaling sa hirap ang ina. Mistisuhin ang anak na lalake habang morena naman ang ina. Bakas sa mukha ng ale na marami siyang pinagdaanan.

Umupo ang mag-ina sa lamesa sa aking tabi.

"Sandali lang nay ha. Mag-oorder lang ako. Gusto niyo po ng burger diba?"

"Salamat anak ha." ang sagot ng matanda.

At iniwan ang ina sa mesa. Ngumiti ako sa matanda habang sinisipsip ang orange juice sa aking baso.

"Ang bait niya 'no?" tanong sa akin ni lola.

"Opo." ang sago ko.

"Asawa siya ng anak ko. Kaya lang iniwan na niya kami. Kasama na niya ang tatay niya sa langit." nagbigay lamang ako ng isang malungkot na ngiti. Patuloy lamang ako sa pagkain ng aking almusal. Hinahayaan magkwento ang matanda.

Ilang saglit pa ay dumating na ang anak. "Eto nanay ha. Eto ang burger. Kumain na muna po kayo ha. Pupunta lang ako sa drugstore. Bibili lang po ako ng gamot para sa presyon ko ha. Diyan lang muna po kayo."

Dala-dala ang pagkaing marahil ay para sa kanyang anak. Nagmamadaling umalis ang lalake.

"Hijo," kalabit sa akin ng nanay, "samahan mo muna ako dito ha habang hindi pa dumarating ang anak ko ha?"

"Sige po lola." sabi ko.

"Alam mo si Andy mabait na bata yan," kanyang panimula habang nginunguya ang kanyang Sausage Muffin, "noong bagong magkasintahan sila ng anak ko hindi talaga ako boto sa kanya. Ayaw ko talaga sa kanya noon pero nagpursige siya para tanggapin ko siya. Nag-iisang anak ko lang kasi yung anak ko."

Nakikinig lang ako sa matanda. Malapit nang maubos ang pagkain ko. Pero dahil nangako akong sasamahan siya inisip kong bagalan na lang ang pagkain. Malapit lang naman yung drugstore, di siguro magtatagal yung Andy.

Pinakinggan ko ang mga kwento ni lola. Kung paano niya pinahirapan ang lalake habang nanliligaw pa ito sa anak. Na kahit madalas hindi magkasundo ang dalawa ay minahal pa rin ito ng manugang. Iba talaga ang gusto ng nanay para sa anak pero dahil nakita niyang mahal talaga niya ang manliligaw, tinanggap na din niya.

Marami pang kwento ang matanda at naubos na ang pagkain namin pero hindi pa dumarating si Andy.

"Lola, taga saan po ba kayo?" tanong ko.

"Naku. Malayo hijo. Hindi ako sanay sa Maynila. Taga Capiz talaga ako. Kung saan kami dito sa Maynila hindi ko alam. Basta mahaba yung biyahe namin kanina."

Bigla akong kinabahan. Ayokong maging malisyoso pero pinagdasal ko na sana mali yung iniisip ko. Sana mahaba lang ang pila sa drugstore. Tumingin ako sa relo ko. Halos isang oras ko na rin palang kasama si Lola.

Hindi ko naman siya pwedeng samahan ng matagal dahil inaantok na rin ako.

"Nay." buntong hininga ko. "kailangan ko na pong umuwi. Baka hanapin po ako ng magulang ko." paalam ko sa matanda.

Nalungkot si nanay. Naramdaman din niya siguro yung nararamdaman ko. Yung kaba. Gustuhin ko mang samahan si lola pero kailangan ko nang umalis. Iiwan na naman ang matanda.

Nilapitan ko yung isang crew ng kainan para mabantayan ang matanda. Pinakilala ko siya kay lola para samahan ito habang hinihintay ang manugang.

"Nanay, aalis na po ako. Malapit na po siguro bumalik si Andy. Medyo malayo po dito yung drugstore. Pasensya na po ha."

Hindi na nakikinig si Lola. Nakatingin lang sa pinagbalutan ng kanyang kinain.

Hindi ko maiwasang hindi tingnan si lola habang palabas ako. Parang nababasag ang puso ko sa bawat hakbang palayo sa kanya.

Sana mali ako. Sana balikan siya.

*************
Naisip ko lang kahapon, hindi lahat ng kumakain sa McDonald's masaya.

JASON: OBSESSION

Once in a man's life, there's a person that will come in, not to make us fall. Not to make us believe that love exist. Not to give us butterflies in our stomachs. But someone who will excite us. Turn us on. Make us do crazy things. Not because we're in love. But because of infatuation. Lust, perhaps. Raging hormones. For Engel, Jason was that person.

It was just the end of Engel's first semester during his last year in college when he met Jason. He was bored doing nothing at home. Back then, cable television chatrooms were getting really popular, specially for boys interested in boys. Engel would often stay up late so he could find a number that he could text just to see if someone interesting would come along.

When he sends his number to the show, he often gets hordes upon hordes of text messages looking for hook-ups, phone games invites and desperate old gays willing to pay for Engel's services (not that he was asking for one). But he'd turn them all down. Because back then, he was still naive, and he was actually hoping to find 'the one' through that channel.

There were those who are decent and nice when you text them, but when you finally get to speak to them, they'd throw away any kind of phone foreplay and immediately demand to have phone fun with him (which he does not do, by the way). Then there are those who'd sound nice at first but then would not stop sending sexually explicit sms the next day. Engel has raging hormones, but he prefers doing it live and not via sms, chat or through the phone. So most of the people he meets there were epic fails.

Then one weekend, he received a message from this guy named Jason. It was days prior to Engel's posting his number, so Jason immediately got his attention. The two immediately clicked. They thought they had alot of things in common. Jason was an honor student from UP, Engel was a Dean's Lister. Jason loves to write fictional love stories, Engel likes to write garbage. Jason came from a political family, while Engel's cousin is a Barangay Captain in one of the towns in his mother's province. Jason said he was good looking, while Engel said he's presentable. And Jason said he's in it to find a relationship, that's one thing they both agreed on. So when Jason asked Engel for his home number, without hesitations he replied with it.

Jason's sms's were impressive enough, but when Engel heard his voice over the phone, literally his heart melted. He not only sounded great on the phone, you'd actually hear his intelligence. He talks like Chiz Escudero minus all the bullcrap that comes out of his mouth and sounds like a very well modulated radio jock from Magic or RX. And guess what, like Engel, the boy is not interested in phone fun.

They'd talk on the phone for hours about nothing, and at one time they even both fell asleep while they're still with each other on the phone. Things were getting really great two days after they met that they decided to meet each other in person.

Jason made it quite clear that he goes for the really great looking people, so Engel knew his chances with him is kaput. Engel just got over his first heartbreak during the time he met this guy, so he thought he's not going to take things seriously, unless it's Jason who initiates. Anyway, before anything else, just to be clear, it doesn't mean that just because both boys did not feel the whole SOP thing, that they don't talk about sexual things. They do. And the reason that they actually wanted to meet was because Jason wanted to see Engel's straight porn collection.

It was a Wednesday afternoon when they finally saw each other for the first time. Engel's jaw literally dropped. The boy he met was not just a boy, he was Adonis. Great jaw, great height, big eyes, but it doesn't matter, he looks good. Yeah, Engel had no chance in hell to be this guy's beau. But no matter what, Engel thought, he's going to bed with Jason.

And they did. And apart from getting caught (that's another story), the deed was awesome. Engel, until now has not seen a wang as perfect as his. Engel was obsessed.

Obviously, Engel wasn't Jason's type so the deed was not repeated. Props to him though, as he didn't necessarily turn Engel down badly. The 'let's just be friends' card was played. Anyway the writer was obsessed. Engel knows the guy's full name. Even a year after their first meet up, when Engel changed numbers, he texted him again. Providing almost the same details only using a different name. It didn't bring as much spark as when they first texted each other, but the stalker was fine with that. Eventually because of the lack of spark, the interest died down immediately. Not wanting to give up, another year later, he gave it another try. The third time was the worst, nothing between them clicked.

Engel found him the other day while he was browsing through facebook. He's still a god. He even looks better now. Great tan. Even greater body (killer six pack). I think he's hooking up with women now, seeing the pictures posted. But then again, that could be just a front.

Jason's facebook profile is being contemplated whether to be added on his favorites list. But then again other people at home use his computer. He changed his number now, six or seven years later. So now the writer's thinking if he'd want to act like a loser that he used to be.

Nah. Engel's too awesome to stoop that low again.

A HISTORY OF ADDICTION

This is part 2 of the Geek Series.

**********
Living in a village where most of your neighbors/playmates are well-off could be pretty sad for a kid like Engel.

While his dad was an Overseas Filipino Worker, his parents didn't really have the budget to afford for him toys that are pricey. Yes, he could get away with the small action figures from time to time, but for video game consoles, that was a wish that was never granted. In fact, it was never even considered by his parents. Even after several attempted tantrum outbursts, it didn't work.

When Engel was about 5 years old, there was only one house with an Atari entertainment system. Unfortunately, the kids who owned those games weren't in his age bracket so he was never allowed to play any of the games. He wasn't even allowed to touch those games. He'd often just look while the kids play Pacman and Battle Ships. And more often than not, at night he would go home crying because he was scolded by their neighbor because he touched the joystick.

Two years later, a couple of neighbors finally bought a Nintendo Entertinment System and that hundred games in one family computer system. Fortunately, the kids were younger than Engel so he'd often pick on them so that he could play those games. Alot of different emotions came rushing through the young writer as he plays Super Mario, Adventure Island, Twin Bee, Circus Charlie, Duck Hunt, The '88 Olympics Game and all those old-school video games his neighbors had. He'd often sleepover his neighbor's house on the weekends so he could finish Level 1-2 of Super Mario 3.

If kids could be mean, there are some who could be really manipulative. They use their consoles as a bargaining chip so you could be "bati" with them, when you decide they're not fun to play with. They'd often crank their television sets to full volume while playing Contra until you come knocking on their door to beg for forgiveness. Children back then were cruel.

GAME GEAR
There was one time Engel's tantrums worked on his dad. Fifth grade, his father went home when the clan's patriarch died, and of course being the only one then who worked abroad in the family, Engel's father was obligated to shoulder a fraction of the overall expenses for the burial. Anyway, while in Duty Free, the son saw that Game Boys and Game Gears were sold for discounted prices, so the young Engel did not leave the stall until what he wanted was given. The parents were bargaining for a different toy instead, but Engel had enough of never having a video game device.

The moment he laid his hands on that black shiny colored handheld device, he told himself, never again. Seven months later, Geary (the name of his Game Gear) broke down and was never fixed again.

PLAYSTATION
For his high school graduation gift, he asked all his relatives to pitch in so he can buy the original Sony Playstation console. And he did. At that time, Engel got so excited about the console he forgot that he had to attend the graduation ball at some posh hotel in Manila that evening. He was only reminded when his mom told him his cousin was already dressed to go to the party.

That was the time he was introduced to Role Playing Games like Final Fantasy, Chrono Cross, Suikoden and Parasite Eve. This was where most of his 'baon' would go to. A pirated copy of Resident Evil 1-3, Metal Gear Solid and Parappa the Rapper. He even bought himself the dance mat for Dance Dance Revolution.

His PS stayed with him for four years before passing it on to his cousins because he had to finally upgrade his console.

PLAYSTATION 2
December of 2002. Last semester before he graduates. He already knows that he'll be graduating. And better news was that he was part of the Dean's Honors List that year so he demanded an upgrade. He asked his favorite Aunt if she could give him a few more pesos so he can finally buy a PS2 for Christmas. He actually had options back then, it's either that or a trip to Singapore. Seeing as if he chooses the trip, he'd have to work on processing a passport, he opted for the video game console.

While Engel's still not a seasoned gamer, he improved his gaming skills with this device. He learned to like shooting games more. He got addicted playing Resident Evil 4, Metal Gear Snake Eater, Dragon Quest, NBA Live and the rest of the Final Fantasy games. The graphics was much better, voiceovers are now possible, and the games are just much more awesome. He'd sometimes play these with his friends, but most of the time he plays games by himself.

2007 when he resigned from his company, he decided to sell the beloved console because he didn't have allowance anymore. He was out of work for four months.

2 XBOX 360'S
The first one, he bought September of '07. That was where his backpay from his previous company went to. He's been itching to buy one since he found out about the console. This was cheaper than the PS3 and looks slicker. The games also looked cooler and everything about Microsoft's console's just awesome.

During the summer of 08, Engel found himself jobless again. And this was his companion throughout that period. He'd play day and night video games like Grand Theft Auto IV, Elder Scrolls IV, Gears of War, Halo 3 and just about every pirated version of all the cool games released at that time. One time he was even complained to by his neighbors for playing war games at 2 in the morning (he had to crank his speakers to max volume when he plays his games). Unfortunately, after nine months of loyal service, the console died (3RLs). It almost got fixed, but a week later, the console died again.

So for his birthday this year, Engel bought another XBox. This is much better, because now he has two controllers, more games and a big screen tv. But he's taking good care of this one this time. He doesn't play alot anymore (well because he has work now), his hours of playtime isn't as unforgiving as before. He doesn't want what happens with his first console to happen to this one again.

But it does get tiresome playing videogames sometimes. Specially if you're playing games alone.

CHRONICLE OF RELATIONSHIPS UNWRITTEN

Before going to sleep this morning, I found myself backreading on my old blog. I find it fascinating how much I grew up chronicling my life in my old abode. When I started posting stuff in the old blog, I was mostly ranting about how much my life sucked (that lessened as years went by). I rant about the dumbest things (my job, my age, my looks, my schedule). I think I wrote almost everything about my life in that blog.

But one thing I noticed is that even after I revealed alot about me in that blog, I was never really able to write while I was in a relationship. The blog's existed for quite awhile now, and I've been in a couple of relationships after I started writing, but I was not able to write about it while in the midst of that relationship.

I have written about failed dates. Successful dates. Getting turned down. Turning down someone. I've written about courting people. I have chronicled details about my exes. But I never wrote anything about my relationship while I'm with that person.

I haven't written about how I asked someone to be my partner. I never wrote about feeling anxious waiting for a call after a fight. I've never written sweet moments with my exes. I haven't posted about the petty reasons why we fought and what we did after we made up. I'll never write details about our awesome sexy times. I never wrote how I felt when we broke up. I just didn't write anything.

I don't know, maybe I was afraid people would find that I suck in relationships (not literally, well I do literally, sometimes, whatever you get the point). Maybe I was afraid that people would tell me I was the one at fault when we're fighting. Or maybe that people would find me 'mayabang' when I brag about how great a date went, while the rest of the blogosphere's suicidal because they're still single. I do know that when I was with somebody, I never really had the time to do anything else but focus most of my free time with that person.

Looking back, if I did write about the relationship, when we were having problems, maybe I could've saved it. Seeing how alot of readers were giving insights about what could be done to right a mistake, maybe it could've opened my eyes and and made me want to fight more for my partner's love. Maybe I wouldn't be single anymore. Who knows, right?

But this is not me whinging about the past. This is about looking forward. I created this blog so that I can write about things I was hesitant to post in my old home. I still wouldn't be posting about my sex life, but I'll still say if it was great or not. The point being I'll be writing without inhibitions.

Of course, before I write about those things, I'd need to find myself first a partner.

*******
Before I get anymore comments about finding the one, let me be defensive and say this post is not about me looking for a partner. I am still fine with my current single status. I'm just saying that for me to be able to write what I haven't written before, I'd need to be in a relationship first.

I'm fine where I am right now. If someone does come along, then that's awesome. But at this moment, I couldn't ask for anything more.

Well, a digital slr camera would be great, and a Playstation 3.

=)

GOOD WEEKEND

It started Friday night when Engel was dismissed early last Friday night. While he did not push through with his plan to go to either Malate or a gay bar, he still did like how his weekend went.

He didn't have any sleep yesterday. After he went home early morning last Saturday, he blogged about it and then saw the latest episodes of Glee, Gossip Girl, How I Met Your Mother and Big Bang Theory, all of which were really awesome. But that's not the point of this post.

The best part of Engel's weekend was the afternoon of the same day. He went out with Joy.

It's been four months since Engel and Joy went out. He enjoys every man-date he has with the guy because the guy's fun to be around with. Engel's no longer in love with him, but that doesn't mean he can't look forward hanging out with Joy. He was a little disappointed though that Joy's on-again-off-again girlfriend was with him. Not that Engel dislikes the girl. He does, she's way more likeable than Joy's other ex. Way more likeable.

Anyway the reason for them seeing each other is as usual him being a good friend. Engel won't give any details of what he did, but let's just say he is really a good friend. Engel feels special around Joy, because he's really nice. The guy's kind of a homophobe (not the bad kind), but he's really comfortable whenever he's with the writer. Joy doesn't find it awkward asking about the author's lifestyle around other people. He's even willing to pretend to be a boyfriend (and no, the guy's not even bi-curious, not even a tripper). And one more thing, even if Engel's the third wheel, the attention's still most of the time his (she knows Engel's gay and at one time proposed to her man).

What's funny is Kate (the on-again-off-again girlfriend) points out alot of things the two of them have in common. Girls notice those little things that boys don't even care about, and the writer thinks those little things maybe the reason why they get along very well. They are both a little weird. Their hairstyle is practically the same. They walk the same way. They even talk in almost the same fashion.

They could've hung out longer, Joy wanted to, but Engel had to decline. They saw a movie and had coffee. But Engel still has to do his shopping.

Nevertheless, yesterday was still a day the author won't forget.

Engel always wanted a brother. Guess Joy was the answer to that prayer.

HINDI MABABASA DITO

Sa isang buwan ay magcecelebrate na itong blog ko ng kanyang ikaapat na kaarawan. 4 years old na ito. Matanda na. Mature na. Pero yung may-ari hindi pa rin... konti lang.

Halos 400 na rin ang naisusulat ko dito. Sa tingin ko noon kaya ko muntik na itong bitawan ay nasabi ko na ang lahat. Hindi pa rin pala. Natutunan ko, habang ikaw ay nabubuhay araw-araw may matututunan kang bago. At habang may natutunan ka, meron kang maisusulat. Meron kang maikukwento.

Mag-aapat na taon na ang blog na ito, pero kahit na ganoon, mayroon pa ring mga bagay na hindi ninyo mababasa dito. Mga bagay na hindi ko gagawin sa mundo ng blogosperyo. Unang-una dahil sumusunod ako sa blog etiquette. At pangalawa, maraming nakakakilala sakin sa tunay na buhay na nagbabasa ng blog na ito.

Kaya ngayon, ililista ko dito ang mga bagay na hinding hindi ko gagawin at hinding hindi ninyo mababasa dito.

MGA KWENTONG KAMUNDUHAN
Rated General Patronage ang blog kong ito. Kaya corny man ay hindi talaga ako magsusulat ng mga post tungkol sa aking mga karanasan bilang isang lalakeng makamundo. May naisulat na akong noon tungkol dito, pero yung mga kwentong iyon ay mga kwentong kapupulutan ng aral. Gaya ng huwag makikipag eyeball kung kani-kanino lang. Huli na yun, at marami atang nagtataasan ng kilay nang mabasa nila yung sinulat ko na yun. Basta ang dapat niyo lang tandaan, hindi ako magsusulat ng mga makamundong post hindi dahil walang aksyon na nagaganap sa buhay ko (meron naman paminsan minsan)... pero dahil gentleman ako. Hehehe

PULITIKA
Unang-una, wala akong karapatan magreklamo sa gobyerno, kahit na gaano kakurakot pa ito. Hindi pa ako bumoboto. Tsaka wala naman akong masasabi tungkol dito. Sa ngayon, wala rin naman akong pakialam. Hindi ako maopinyon pagdating sa mga pulitikal na topic. At ayoko rin namang magpanggap na may alam, dahil wala rin naman. Magmumukha lang akong tanga. Siguro pagnakaboto na ako.

BLOGWAR
Hinding hindi ako mang-aaway sa kapwa ko blogero. Kung hindi sang-ayon sa opinyon ko ang isang tao, ayos lang. Karapatan nila iyon. Hindi ako mag a-unfollow ng isang blogger dahil hindi ko nagustuhan ang sinulat nitong kumento sa isang post ko. Hindi ako mapipikon sa opinyon sa akin ng mga mambabasa, dahil kahit papano laitero din naman ako. Madali lang naman ang dapat gawin kapag hindi ko nagustuhan ang mga pinagsasabi ng isang tao, wag balikan ang blog niya. Tapos. Di ako magpapalaki ng issue, pasisikatin ko lang yung taong yon. Ika nga, make love not war. Pero if I make love, di ko isusulat iyon.

KALALIMAN
Aaminin ko, mababaw na tao lang ako. At ako yung tipo ng mambabasa na gusto ko naiintindihan ko ang binabasa ko sa unang basa nito. Ayokong dumudugo ang ilong ko, nagbabasa lang ako ng kwentong ligawan. Ayoko rin namang pinahihirapan ang mga dumadaan dito. Tsaka sa totoo lang, di ako malalim mag-isip. Mukha akong palaging nag-iisip, pero sa totoo lang nagspace out lang ang utak ko.

Yan lang naiisip ko ngayon. Ayoko naman magdagdag pa ng iba, kasi pag dinagdagan ko, baka wala na akong maisulat dito. Mahirap na, ayoko na magpaalam ulit, baka wala nang maniwala.

I MAY NOT BE SPONTANEOUS

Because of certain things (positive things) that transpired in the office last night, we were dismissed early by our boss. Now that's something that's rare, given my job. You see, with the type of work we do, we are required to fulfill our duties during the entirety of our workday. Anyway, I'm not going to talk about that. My job is boring and uninteresting. Don't get me wrong, I love my job, it's just something I wouldn't want to be blogging about. I did rant about my boss before, and that's because he's a stupid ass (thankfully I have a new boss).

Alright, going back to the topic, so what do young urban professionals do, when they find themselves free for the rest of the evening on a Friday night? Of course, we went Bible Studying!

No we did not.

We went to a karaoke bar. Got ourselves tipsy and sang all the stresses of the past six weeks away. But because of the place being not that affordable, and at 12:40am the night is still early, the group decided to change venues. Some people decided to go to a comedy bar up north, some to have coffee, others to join another group in a different karaoke bar. I didn't feel like going somewhere far from where I live. While waiting for a ride home, I was actually torn on where to go next.

Two places sounded really interesting for me then. Malate and a gay bar. I've never been to both (well I've been to Malate twice I think), and since I have the money and the time, I thought why not. I thought for once in my life, do something fun. Something spontaneous. Something you've never done before. Something different.

The gay bar was the first choice. Naked men with girating bodies in front of me sounds exciting. Besides White Bird is just one ride away from home so I won't have a problem going back to our house after. But then again, I'm not an old fag who's looking for a young stud to make his scholar. And I've been to a straight bar before and the experience was really not that nice. The main star was ugly, and there was no live show. What if that bar's the same. Only with men in it? And I've read that if you want to really enjoy your stay in a place like that, you have to be ready to shell out some serious dough. I won't have that. Plus, I was a little bit horny, and would extremely be disappointed if I go home empty handed.

So then I thought of Malate. I've been reading of bloggers hooking up in that place. Going wild. Flaunting their sexuality without fear of being discriminated at or making fun of. I've read of people tripping in male rest rooms. Giving and being given a blowjob just for the heck of it. Again, I was horny, this would be a place where I'd get lucky. But then I'm alone. If I failed on my quest to get laid, there'd be no one to pick me up. I mean I don't know the place. I don't know where the best bar is. Or where the best rest room to hook up with someone is. And that place, that place will be enjoyed much better if I am with friends. And no matter how nice some of things I've read about Malate is, I've also read of people getting mugged, stabbed or even killed. I'm not even dressed to party in a place like that.

I decided to take a cab home.

I think I'm not yet ready for that kind of lifestyle. Being a boring introvert, I probably wouldn't have enjoyed the experience if I went there.

One day, I'll be spontaneous. I'll let the other head do thinking. Who knows, right?

Maybe next time.

LAST SECOND CHANGE

I was in the middle of writing this long anecdote about me being torpe when I got tired.

I got tired of thinking of something to write.

You see I'm stressing over stuff at work and other things. That I don't want this, the only thing I'm passionate about, to be another cause for stress.

So borrowing the style from the book of The Closet Geek, I thought to keep it short and simple.

When you're tired of being single. When you're tired of watching happy couples inspite of the troubles of their relationships. Would you settle for a guy who's been throwing himself at you, when you know you can do... you deserve someone better?

REPOST: WHY YOU HAVEN'T FOUND THE ONE

I've been hearing this question thrown out by a lot of people lately, so I think it's just high time that I write about it here. Yeah, this is another one of those 'singles' post, but I'm not emo or anything. I'm still okay with my status. My happiness is not dependent on whether I'm single, in a relationship, married or 'it's complicated'. But this post is not about me. I've talked about myself too much already it's nauseating.

So anyway, earlier I was texting with my friend, and she asked me why she still hasn't found the one. And it made me think... she is a very pretty girl. She's smart, funny and yeah, she's got like more than half of what I think what men are looking for in a woman. But she's still single. I told her, she's still young, there's still alot of time to find the right man. But the question still lingered in my tired and sleepless mind.

Why are some people having a hard time finding the one?

1. YOU'VE GOT HIGH STANDARDS
Maybe you're looking for someone who's a rich, famous, good looking and smart man or a beautiful, athletic, caring and sexy woman. Reality check, it's very rare that anyone's got everything that you're looking for in a partner. They'll always have flaws. And if there is anyone at all like that who exists. Chances are they may not be looking for someone like you. Don't set your standards too high, because in one way or another, the person you're looking for may not exist, and you'll end up with nothing. Try a girl who accepts you for who you are, or a guy who makes you laugh. There's nothing wrong with having an ideal partner. Just make sure that they're real.

2. YOU'RE LOOKING AT THE WRONG PLACES
I highly doubt you'll find the love of your life in the chatroom. If you're a girl looking for a man who'd like to just stay with you at home and endure cheesy movie marathons, you won't find him in a club. If you're a guy looking for a girl who'd rock your world in the bedroom, the church is not the right place to scan for those kinds of women. Maybe I'm wrong, who knows, but the point is, if you're looking for a partner who has the same interests as yours, try to look for them where they could be found. Befriend a fellow blogger. Introduce yourself to people who works out with you. If you find someone interesting in a forum where you share the same hobbies (ie pinoyexchange), send him/her a personal message.

3. YOU'RE JUST WAITING
For guys, and I think I've said this a thousand times before already, YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE THE ONE LOOKING! People normally say they'll just wait for love. If someone's meant for you, destiny'll find a way for you two to meet. Yeah, that's very much possible... in the movies!!! Think about this, what if you're waiting for the right one to come... and that person's also waiting for you, are you willing to wait for something that's unlikely to come. Sometimes you have to do something else, if waiting is not working. That's how spinsters became what they are.

4. YOU'VE BEEN STUPID
Maybe you've found the right one, you just let him/her go. We've all made mistakes in our lives, and sometimes the consequence of those mistakes is our special someone. There's nothing wrong with that. But don't let that stop you from looking for the right one. I'm a firm believer that if the two of you are really meant to be, no storm or calamity will prevent you two from being together. Let that mistake be a lesson. Charge it to experience so that when the time comes that you two find each other again, you won't make the same mistake. Unless you're really stupid.

5. YOU DON'T LOVE YOURSELF.
I know most of what I'm saying is cliche. But the thing about cliche is, it's being said again and again because it is true. You'll never be happy with anyone else, if first and foremost you don't love yourself. For one, you will never believe that the person you're with loves you for what you are, because you yourself can't accept that you have faults. If you still have that, you'll never be contented. You'll always look for something more. In short, you're not yet ready that's why you still haven't found her or him.

I honestly believe I'm still not ready. I still have a lot of hangups, but I do love myself. I love myself too much, I'm like narcissistic. Nah just kidding. But seriously, at the moment (as in at THIS moment), I'm not really looking.

LOOKING BACK WHEN HE WAS STRAIGHT

Once upon a time, Engel was a bonafide straight guy. He dated girls and even had the balls to enter into relationships with them. Well, he actually only had two. None of which lasted longer than a year. Half, he didn't even take seriously. This post is about that half.

Engel met Apple through a high school classmate back when he was still in college. Back then, he was trying to fit in with the crowd. Almost everyone from his class during his sophomore year was already in a relationship, or is courting somebody. He wouldn't have that so he thought he'd join the girlfriend bandwagon.

He hooked up with his high school classmate who's got a treasure trove of female friends. He was introduced to the girl who his former schoolmate thought would get along very well with Engel. Apparently, his classmate thought high of him and was paired with this beautiful girl.

Apple was really pretty. She's highly intellectual and above all, she talks alot. Someone Engel would really like to hangout with because he's the total opposite. He didn't take the pair up lightly because he really wanted to have a girlfriend at that time. So he did what he does best. He modulated his voice and totally made himself sound like an Amboy. It may have been the innocence that came with age but she bought it.

Anyway two weeks after meeting each other they became an item. That was the second time they saw each other. He won her over by forwarding sweet quotes and at one time singing to her over the phone. Of course they were constant textmates and phone friends. But because of their busy schedule they weren't able to see each other. They only communicate through text. But the dates became non-existent. One month of nothing but forwarded messages, occassional how are you's and phone flirtation. So instead of moving the relationship forward, it was growing backwards.

They tried to work things out, but when things aren't meant to be, it just won't. So the second official date that Engel and Apple had became their last. They broke up.

Engel wonders now what became of the girl. If things worked out with Apple, this day would've been their 9th year anniversary. Engel probably wouldn't be worrying about getting exhausted of being single. But then he'd be living a lie.

Engel is reminiscing because he remembered this day. On October 13, he became a girl's boyfriend. She wasn't the first, and she wasn't really that special. But she was the last remnant of the days when he treaded the straight path.

BRO CODE FOR PLU'S

For someone who lives an alternative lifestyle but haven't openly outed himself yet, it's difficult to find real friends. Friends you can really trust. I found out early that people like me could sometimes be cruel and you can't fully put your trust on the guys who may truly understand.

With my experience, specially after college, it was the gay crowd who ridiculed me. Maybe it was so I won't have to pretend anymore. I don't know. I wouldn't normally have a problem saying what I am when asked of my sexuality. But they didn't have to force it out on people, because they may not be ready yet. It's all about respect.

Anyway, naturally I found myself hanging out with the straight crowd more. There may have been things we wouldn't agree on, but we found we have a lot of things in common.

Thing is, befriending the straight guy (and I mean being really good friends and not just close acquaintances) isn't without it's risk. It's not hard. What's difficult is maintaining it, especially if you decide to out yourself to them. There maybe people who'll see that as a betrayal of their trust (specially if after outing yourself, you declare your love for them).

So I thought why not write my rules for being friends with straight men. My Bro Code.

• The easiest way of ruining a brotherhood is falling in love with your straight friend.
• Never mistake a friend's nice gesture as a sign that he's possibly for you. If he's nice to you, he's probably that way with everyone else.
• Once you've established that the two of you are really good friends, sooner or later you'll have to tell him the truth about yourself.
• But make sure that when you do, you have to be sure that he could really be trusted.
• Do not lie to your straight friend. If you haven't outed yourself yet, and you're talking sexcapades, you can be vague. Not too much information, but just enough so you could brag about something too.
• Once you've outed yourself, be sure that you're prepared to understand that he may not accept what you really are.
• If he accepts you, don't immediately transform into a screaming fag when you're with him. He may have accepted you because of who you are when you met. So if you really need to change, do it subtly.
  
• You can say no to your straight friend. It doesn't mean that just because he's given you the chance to be his friend that he can turn you into his doormat. A friend who can't take a rejection is not truly a friend. He's probably just using you.
  
• If he doesn't, just give him time. If you're really good friends, even if it takes years for him to accept it, you'll still end up texting, talking or even hanging out with each other.
• If your friend entertains the thought of same sex relationship, he's not straight. Bi-curious probably, but definitely not straight. And these rules do not apply.

This list is only a guideline for me. This is my way of showing them that I respect them and that I'm worthy of their trust, just as they are of mine.

OF BEING A GEEK

Okay, so Engel didn't necessarily keep his geekiness a secret. He's a certified nerd. He often wears checkered polos. He wears eyeglasses. There are times he combs his hair one sided. And he wears leather shoes and jeans. This may actually show him more of a fashion victim than a geek, but then again that's also true.

Allow Engel to geek out this one time. He doesn't do this anymore and he misses writing about his favorite topics. Video games, tv shows and comic books. But this post is mainly about the hobby where 20% of his salary goes to. Comic books. Don't judge, there are people who're willing to be bankrupt just to buy shoes, watches and cellphones (ugh).

HISTORY
As a kid, Engel learned to read because of these colored picture books. He initially did not understand any of the series he's read as a kid, he just thought that the drawings were pretty. He started collecting X-Men (maybe because he had a hint that he'll be able to relate to the mutant's being not accepted because they are different). He was a fan of Jean Grey, Psylocke and Rogue (his excuse was they were hot, later on though it may have been because of something else). But he didn't follow the series until he reached high school.

Back then he would save his baon so he could buy Uncanny X-Men and X-Men every month. He shows his collections off to his classmates mainly because his crush then also likes reading the titles, and that was his way to be close to that certain classmate.

His initial reason for buying these titles may have been selfish, but one thing still remained. He was so engrossed in the stories and characters that he'd read. It was his escape from the frustrations brought about by Trigonometry, Chemistry, Economics and Grammar.

CHALLENGES
Collecting comic books was not an easy thing for Engel. For one, as a kid he never really learned how to save money. He'd often resort to "borrowing" his mother's cash to buy those things. Come to think of it, he actually became creative because of this. He learned to make up different excuses so he could have extra pesos for his allowance so he could buy his comics.

Tantrums were thrown whenever Engel wasn't given an extra fifty bucks. Threats of leaving home was his weapon (yeah, he was really a brat when he was younger). Just for his magazines his horns started showing. Blame youth.

Then again, X-Men became a crappy title in the late 90's (it actually kind of became too gay) so he totally lost interest in collecting comic books.

COLLEGE
Thankfully, he got alot smarter in College. So everytime he finishes a semester with at least one class with a grade of 1.5, he's given permission to increase his allowance by a hundred. So now, he could afford to purchase comics again. He gave up FHM (that was just a facade) for X-Men (which improved a little), the Marvel Ultimate Line and eventually the Avengers.

And so Engel became really addicted to comic books. His monthly purchases became weekly.

To be continued...

*************
You're probably not interested to read what'll be coming next. Comic book nerds are a niche. And Engel only knows a few bloggers who reads comic books. Even less for PLU's who do. But then again, Engel doesn't really care.

KWENTONG FX

Aaminin ko, may pagkatarantado ako. Actually, tarantado talaga ako. At dahil madalas akong walang magawa sa buhay, lahat pinagtitripan ko. Pati mga kasabay ko sa FX. Nakikichismis sa usapan ng buhay nila (lalo na kung nagyayabang yung kasabay ko). Meron ding mga nakakasabay kung saan magtataka ka sa mga desisyon nila sa buhay, at mapapaisip ka talaga.

Paano ko ba naman makakalimutan ang fx eh dun ko nakilala si Monday (actually hindi ko siya nakilala... nakakasabay lang). Hindi ko na siya nakakasabay ngayon. Pero alam kong sa PBCom Tower siya nagtatrabaho.

So ang mga susunod na kwento ay ang mga nararanasan ko bilang commuter at suki ng mga manong fx driver mula baclaran hanggang samin o vice versa.

MICRO MINISKIRT GIRL
Dito ako nagtataka sa mga babae. Hindi naman sa lahat. Pero meron kasing hindi mo alam kung hindi sila nag-iisip o wala lang sila talagang choice. Una kong nakasabay si micro miniskirt girl sa fx mga dalawang linggo na ang nakakaraan. Doon siya sa likod ng sasakyan naupo, kahit na maluwang pa ang gitna at harapan (pero naintindihan ko kung bakit sa likod siya umupo dahil medyo extra large ang mga nakaupo sa harapan tsaka kasi nakita niya ako pumuwesto sa likod... hehehe). Anyway, saktong sa tapat ko siya umupo, at lo and behold, sa hindi sinasadyang pagkakataon, eh naaninagan ko ang isang bagay na hindi ko dapat maaninagan.

Maganda si Micro Miniskirt Girl. May pagka Maja Salvador kapag kulot ang hitsura. Maganda ang hubog ng katawan at medyo malaki ang hinaharap. Sa madaling salita, nakakali...maganda siya talaga.

Ang bitbit lang niya noon eh isang mahabang wallet at cellphone, kaya wala siya talagang maipantatakip dun sa dapat takpan. Pero kapag ganun naman, hindi siya dapat bumubukaka kasi mga lalake nasa harap niya. Yung isa pa mukhang DOM (hindi ako yon!!!).

Nakasabay ko nanaman siya kanina, at surprise surprise, nakamicro mini nanaman siya. At kung nung unang beses, puti ang naaninagan ko, kanina naman ay pink. Di ko alam kung nananadya siyang bumukaka dahil nasa tapat niya ako nakaupo. Di ko rin naman siya masisisi. Magkakakuliti talaga ako nito.

SI INDIANA JONES
Noong isang gabi, meron akong nakasabay sa fx na lalake. Syempre dahil nga pakialamero talaga ako, nakichismis ako sa kinukwento niya. Normally, ang mga driver yung madaldal, pero sa pagkakataong ito, yung lalake yung maingay. Hindi nga nagsasalita yung driver, at naaaninag ko sa salamin na natutulog yung babae sa tabi niya.

Anyway ulit. Parang word vomit, nagdadaldal siya ng mga bagay na hindi naman sa kanya tinatanong. "I'm an archaeologist sa UK. Alam mo yon, yung sa London?"

"Lumabas na ako one time sa BBC. Alam mo yun, yung channel na parang CNN ng Europe?"

"Yung tatay ko kasi archaeologist din, kaya sinusundan ko siya. Interesting din kasi trabaho niya."

"Divorce sila ng mama ko. Alam mo yun, yung hiwalay na?"

"May anak ako sa ex ko. Pero ayaw niya ipakilala sa akin."

Teka. Sa isip isip ko, parang pamilyar sa akin 'tong kwentong ito ah. Nag-isip ako ng isang minuto at alas, kilala ko yun. Kwento ni Indiana Jones yung buhay niya!!! Tang-ina, kasabay ko sa FX si Indiana Jones!!! Shet, parang boses bakla siya!!!

*************
Marami pa akong maikukwento sa inyo. Yung dalawang construction worker na naghoholding hands, yung magsyotang taglibog, yung tulog na baboy na nagbabaha ang laway at yung aleng nakaaway ko sa sasakyan. Pero sa susunod na. Para marami akong maisulat dito sa blog na ito.

A STRAIGHT STATE OF MIND

Engel's starting to believe Rudeboy when he says that Engel's straight.

Maybe he is. Aside from the attraction with the same sex, there's really nothing much that could identify him as someone who'd be attracted to the male species. At least none in this fathersucker's opinion.

Apart from Glee and Gossip Girl (which are just guilty pleasures), he watches alot of action oriented television shows. He plays alot of video games and not those girly girly role playing games. He plays straight shoot em ups and survival horror games like Resident Evil and Silent Hill. He dresses up sloppily. Apart from the occasional moisturizer, he doesn't put anything on his face. Hell, he's even fine not shaving his face for a week. He does not and probably will not worship divas. He doesn't even have gay friends. Acting like a screaming faggot makes him look like an idiot, and comes off really unnatural. He can't even picture himself wearing something girly (god forbid if ever that happens). He drinks, owns a beer belly, collects Batman comics and had sex with a girl.

Damn, maybe he is straight.

One of these days he'll need to figure out if he's a straight guy going through a gay phase or a gay guy not yet ready to let go of the straight ways.

REMEMBERING REALITY

Engel has alot of ideals. In his moments alone, he dreams of the perfect life. A life he wants to have someday. A job he's always wanted. The perfect partner. Having enough money to buy the things he's always wished for. An ideal life.

During his college life, he often saw himself living the life of a yuppie that he sees on television. A life that is easy, having crazy friends, a faithful partner a job that pays for an extravagant life and being challenged by life and overcoming it. For a brief time he thought he had it.

Quarter life crisis had come and pass for Engel, so he's not really depressed whenever he thinks that he wanted so much in life. He's actually had some of the things he wanted. A position of power. A relationship. Being paid more than he required. But he left them all because he wasn't happy. The younger Engel decided to turn his back on all of it, because he thought that he deserves something more. He deserves something ideal.

But then reality struck. Months after leaving the comforts of a good job, he found himself unemployed. His savings completely depleted and his burgeoning love life, a lie.

The hardest part of being on top was crashing down.

It was a humbling experience, having to start over from scratch. Looking for a job that he only studied and never really had experience at was something difficult to have. He ended up getting work for companies he never liked. With people he didn't get along with and for salaries he thought he'd never be able to live on.

That was the real life. Ideals could sometimes be a lie. You could have the job that you've always wanted, but sometimes it's not how you imagined it to be. The perfect man does not exist if you're a man and sometimes you have to live with what you are given.

Right now Engel likes his life. While his work hours are far from ideal, he does not complain. He requested for it. He applied for it even if he already had the best schedule. He's earning just about enough for him to buy the things he wanted to buy.

And as for his love life. He doesn't have any. He has moments when he wanted to kill himself for still being single. But then he knows everything comes on it's own time. He's still not ready.

Engel's life is not perfect. It wasn't his ideal. But whose life is, really?

MY TOP FILMS: PINAKAPANGET NA MGA PELIKULA

Normally, nag-iingles ako pag mga ganitong klaseng post ang sinusulat ko. Pero dahil adik ako ngayon, at dahil hindi magagandang mga pelikula ang nakasaad dito tatagalugin ko na. Mas madaling maiparating ang poot na nararamdaman ko kapag sa wikang tagalog ang pagkakasulat nito. Sa mga apektado, opinyon ko lang ito. Blog ko 'to kaya kahit anong gusto kong isulat, isusulat ko. Kung hindi kayo sang-ayon, gumawa rin kayo ng blog ninyo at doon ninyo ako siraan. Wala po akong balak na makipag-away kanino man.


So itong listahan na ito ay ang listahan ng pinakapanget na mga pelikulang napanuod ko sa buhay ko. Unahin ko na ang mga pelikulang Pinoy kasi marami naman talagang pelikula na hindi maganda. Meron tayong mga iilang may katuturan na napapanuod, pero kadalasan, wala talagang kwenta ang mga ginagawang pelikula. Maipares lang si Dingdong kay Marian ayos na. Mapagsama lang si AiAi at Piolo, go na. Magkaroon lang ng pelikula ngayong taon si Richard Gutierrez, papatusin na. Kaya bumagsak ang industrya, gawa lang ng gawa, akala mo naman quality. Ayan, di nako natahimik.


Sisimulan ko na ang listahan ko ng pinakapanget na mga pelikula. Salamat nga pala kina Lawstude, Joshmarie, Curbie at Gas Dude na sumagot ng tanong ko sa plurk.


10. Villa Estrella
Napakawalang kwenta ng pelikulang ito. Horror siya pero hindi nakakatakot. Drama, pero hindi nakakaantig. Action, pero ang lamya lamya. Palpak. Nanuod ako nitong pelikulang ito sa sinehan pa. Hindi man lang ako nagulat. Naasar ako sa kwento. Napakapredictable tsaka walang direksyon. Halatang hindi man lang pinaghandaan ang pelikulang ito.

9. Yamashita

Nagtataka ako sa Metro Manila Film Festival. Paano nakakapasa at nananalo ang mga pelikulang gaya nito. Hindi naman siya maganda. Dahil ba medyo mukhang ginastusan yung effects nito kaya 'to nanalo ng Best Picture. Wala namang sense yung pelikula. Nakakabwisit. Gusto niyang makiuso sa mga historical fiction na kwento na hindi naman talaga kapani-paniwala. Kumita ba ito?

8. Rollerboys
Aaminin ko, pinanuod ko ito sa sinehan. Paano noong bata pa kami, yung mga kapitbahay ko ay numero unong fan ni Patrick Garcia. Noong panahong payatot pa ito at mukhang bungo. Hindi ko alam kung ano nagustuhan ng mga batang iyon kay Patrick, pero patay na patay sila dito. Kaya nung unang araw ng palabas nito, hinila kami ng mga kapitbahay namin para panoorin itong pelikulang ito. Hindi ko siya nagustuhan. Ang corny. Ano ba naman ang magagawang kakaiba sa roller blades ng mga bata? Umiinit ang ulo ko.

7. I Do I Die Diyos Ko Day

Noong dekada nobenta, maraming pelikula ng Star Cinema ang maaari nating i-classify sa mga pelikulang wala talagang kwenta. Magbigay lang ng matinong lesson sa kwento, kahit pa basura yung istorya, ipapalabas nila ito. Habababa doo - Putiputi poo. Tong Tatlong Tatay Kong Pakitong-Kitong. Isprikitik something something Walastik. Salamat sa Cinema One napapanuod ko ang mga ito. Ang panget ng pelikulang ito. Pinoy version ng War Of the Roses (na gustung gusto ko). Basta ang masasabi ko lang, hindi siya nakakatawa.

6. Super B

Granted na medyo nakakatawa ang Booba (medyo lang), eto yung mga tipo ng sequel na hindi naman kailangang gawin pero para sa pera, gagawin pa rin. Hindi pinag-isipan, kung ano lang ang nakakatawa para sa lumikha nito, ipapalabas na. Walang kwenta ang pag-arte. Walang saysay ang kwento. Nakakaburaot ang mga artista. Hindi ko alam kung bakit pagkatapos ipalabas itong pelikulang ito, binigyan pa rin ng trabaho ang direktor. Kaya siguro hindi tuluyang sumisikat ang mga gaya ni Ruffa Mae, kahit na magaling silang komedyana. Kasi pumapatol sila sa mga ganitong proyekto.

5. ALL Bong Revilla Filmfest Movies
Oo na. Pinagkagastusan na ang mga effects ng mga pelikula niya tuwing filmfest. Kumbaga kung ikukumpara mo sa iba, pwede pang hollywood yung mga effect effect ng pelikula. Pero dahil sa sobrang gastos sa mga effects, nakalimutan nang gastusan ang mga manunulat, kaya kung ano-anong kwento na lang ang isinusulat nila. Resiklo, yung Enchanted Kingdom na movie, tapos may isa pa, tsaka yung Panday (na ipapalabas ngayong taon). Buti na lang at hindi na masyado kumikita ang mga ganitong pelikula. Patunay lang na nagiging matalino na ang mga Pinoy sa pagpili ng pelikulang papanuorin. Hindi lahat nadadala sa style. Kailangan din ng substance.

4. My Best Friend's Girlfriend

Napanuod ko ang kabuuan ng pelikulang ito sa bus. Aaminin ko, sumakit ang ulo ko. Ang sakit sa tenga pakinggan ng boses ni Marian Rivera. Hindi ko naintindihan ang kwento nito dahil sobra akong nadidistract sa boses ng artista. Aaminin ko maraming kinilig dun sa pelikula. Yung katabi ko, number one fan ata ni Richard Gutierrez. Kapag may kilig scene yung dalawang bida, talagang pinupukpok niya yung hita niya. Parang tanga lang. Nasa listahan itong pelikulang ito dahil napakababaw at sadsad na sadsad na ang kwento nito. At saka ang sakit sa ulo pakinggan ni Marian Rivera.

3. I.T.A.L.Y.

Napanuod ko ito kasi yung isang kaibigan ko patay na patay kay Dennis Trillo. At dahil hindi pa niya napapanuod yung pelikula, bumili ito ng piniratang dvd sa isang bangketa sa Quiapo. At dahil wala kaming magawa noong araw na yon, pinanuod namin ito. 15 minutes into the movie, naasar kaming pareho, napagdesisyunan naming manuod na lamang ng porn. Iyon na lang pala ang ginagawa ni Jolina ngayon. Sayang, tuwang tuwa pa naman ako sa love team nila ni Marvin dati. Panahon nga naman. Ewan ko ba ano meron itong pelikulang ito. Ang baduy!!!

2. Scaregiver

Hindi ko alam kung bakit na greenlight itong pelikulang ito. Hindi siya nakakatawa. Hindi ko kilala ang mga artista. Sabog sabog ang kwento, na parang nakadrugs ang nagsulat ng pelikulang ito. Nagpakita ang halos buong cast ng Eat Bulaga sa kabuuan ng pelikula, pero imbis na nakatulong, lalong sumakit ang ulo ko dahil sa kanila. Eto nanaman si Marian Rivera. At mas malala ang role niya. Buong eksena niya ata, wala siyang ibang ginawa kundi magbunganga. Seryoso, yun yata yung dahilan kung bakit nilagnat ako noong isang linggo. Napanuod ko rin ang kalahati ng pelikulang ito sa bus.

1.Payaso
Posible bang ang bata ay makaramdam ng depression. Normally dapat hindi, pero noong napanuod ko ang pelikulang ito noong bata ako, sobrang nadepress ako. Tungkol ito sa mga payaso pero hindi ito nakakatawa. Maraming bata sa kwento, pero ni minsan hindi ako naexcite. At si German Moreno ang bida dito. WTF?! Hindi ko na maalala kung tungkol saan itong pelikulang ito, basta ang naaalala ko gusto ko nang mamatay yung payaso dun sa pelikula. Tinatanong ko yung tatay ko palagi, bakit wala pang bumabaril sa kanya.

Marami pang pelikulang ganito Dream Boy, mga pelikula nina Judy Ann at Wowie, Apoy Sa Puso ng Samar (yung pelikulang may linyang saging lang ang may puso), mga pelikula ni Mark Lapid at ni Mikee Arroyo, Pacquiao, at karamihan ng mga pelikulang komedya sa Pilipinas. Mga dahilan kung bakit ilang taon kong iniwasang manuod ng mga pelikulang Pilipino. Dagdagan mo pa ng mga soft porn na pelikulang nagkukunwaring indie films. Juno at 500 Days of Summer, yan ang halimbawa ng indie film. Hindi Torotot o Silip.

Sinubukan kong maglagay ng mga litrato dito, ngunit nagloloko nanaman ang internet connection ko. Salamat Globe Broadband!!!

DO YOU HAVE FACEBOOK?

Social networking sites are just some of the better ways to catch up with old friends. And Engel's got plenty of them. So naturally, he is addicted. He has one account in probably most of the popular social networking sites: Facebook, friendster, myspace, hi5 and even on plurk.

There's something about this sight that Engel sees interesting that's why he's constantly visiting or even staying on these sites whenever he's online (and that's all the time). Some of them, he's more interested in the applications more than his friend's updates.

This begs the question though, what's with social networking sites that makes people come back?

Engel does have his reasons. Some of them sentimental, others just shallow. In keeping with letting the world know who he is (even if the world is not interested), he decided to tell his readers why he often comes back to these sites.

UPDATES. Because Engel's schedule prevents him from having a social life these days, he uses facebook to be constantly updated with his good friends. Information comes in fast these days, and it seems cellphones and sms are becoming outdated. Through facebook, he finds out who got married, who got knocked up, who finally outed himself and who broke up with whom. People tend to open up their lives through these sites, and that's a good thing. It's just sometimes, people tend to share too much information. Come on, who really wants to know that you have period today?

CHATROOM. With facebook, communicating becomes so much easier. This is faster than sms and cheaper than phone calls. The chat application makes it easier to talk to relatives from abroad. This is the best place to catch up with high school friends you haven't spoken with in a long time.

TIME WASTER. Once upon a time, Engel got so addicted to Restaurant City, he forgot how to sleep. Facebook got banned at his office because people tend not to work because they were so busy playing Pet Society, Mafia Wars and lately Farmville or Farm Town and Barn Buddy. If Engel's waiting on something, he'd just open Facebook and open these applications and he'll be fine.

STALKING. Engel's got alot of crushes, and this is how he finds out what kind of person his crush is. He really reads that person's personal information, friend's testimonials, and even updates by the guy. He's shy, so he normally don't add those people up. But once he gets to talk to that person, or got to know him a little, he wouldn't hesitate to ask for that guy's email address or full name to add on either friendster or facebook.

VOYEUR. Honestly, Engel cannot look at people's pictures for long periods of time. Unless it's a picture of his crush or a picture of someone good looking. Specially if there are pictures of half naked men in the album. That's why he loves myspace, he could freely search people like him in that site. And most of the guys he finds there have pictures he likes.

Social networking sites are stress relievers for Engel. Keeps him occupied from the worries of natural calamities, stupid co-workers and having no budget for gimmicks. Having no time to go out and have a social life, this is his alternative.

So, do you have facebook?