ENGEL IN REAL LIFE

A few days ago, I wrote in one of my posts that sometimes a blogger isn't necessarily the person he writes himself to be. You see writers (specially if he or she is a very good one) know how to twist or exaggerate some facts about themselves to make them sound more likeable. Giving off a different impression to their readers that are far from who they really are in real life.

I'm not sure what kind of impression I'm giving off with my posts but let me tell you, some of them may not be true. I'll tell you what kind of person Engel really is. Engel in real life.

QUIET. Believe it or not, I am a quiet guy. I'm more of a listener than a talker. Maybe because I'm not that good of a storyteller. I could tell you the most exciting thing that happened in my life, and I won't fail to make you feel bored. I don't know. Ask me to write that story and I'll be able to make it look more alive and colorful, but I'm not that good in telling it. There are people who're born like that I guess. But. And that's a big but. Once you get to know me better or if we have something in common, that would make me talk more. I really have alot to say, I guess it just depends if I know the person will be interested in it or not.

SUPLADO. I'll outright say it. I am a snob. Really. I'm kidding. That's the perception about me because first of all I'm quiet. And I often look serious. I do know how to smile, and I'm mighty approachable. But the thing is, deep down I'm really a shy person. I'm an introvert, and people tend to misinterpret that into being a snob. I guess I just don't like to make the first move. Maybe I'm afraid to get turned down when I try to talk to someone.

FEELING GWAPO. Engel would like to think he's good-looking. Confidence within could be felt outside. I know I tell stories of people who get attracted to me, which I turn down (even if I know I'll never end up with anyone as good looking as they were), they're true by the way, but I'm not that attractive. Maybe a little. Probably if I weigh less. Definitely if I decide to pamper myself more. I'm not vain and I like to keep my life uncomplicated, and if people see that as me not caring for myself. I don't really care. I'm smart.

NICE GUY. I am and I'm proud of that. Even if sometimes that means people get to push me over. I believe in karma. What goes around comes around. And I'm 27. If by now I don't know how to understand and cope with people's different personalities, I'll never learn. But like I said, I'm a nice guy. I am generous to my friends or to people I'd like to become friends with. I give way to other people in lines, in almost anything (unless it's related with money). I share my things, my food, my clothes, sometimes cash (but I don't lend more than 100 bucks to people unless I trust that person).

NAUGHTY. Call him what you want, but Engel's still a man. I sometimes let my disco stick do the thinking. I'm sometimes weak. Nuff said.

That's me in real life.

AFTER THE STORM...

• I appreciated the sun even more.
• I am grateful that I live in an area where flood is a rare event.
• I thanked God for telling me to go home right after work last Saturday instead of staying in Makati and meeting my friend. I probably would've been stranded and sick.
• I realized that there are showbiz personalities who are more than just pretty faces.
• I appreciated being a Filipino seeing alot of nameless heroes trying their best to help out the victims of this unexpected calamity.

The past weekend was something nobody expected. Homes were destroyed. Lives lost. The entire metro was submerged in mud and floodwater. Some thought that it was the beginning of the end of the world.

I was sick for most of the day and did not realize the gravity of the situation until I turned on the television and saw how bad the rain was. A month's worth of falling water in the span of a few hours. Someone's mightily pissed off up there, that's what I thought.

Yesterday, thankfully the storm left the country. And just as the sun emerged, so did the heroes. On tv, you could see videos of men and women risking their lives to save relatives, neighbors, friends and strangers. Famous showbiz personalities calling out to their endorsers to donate what they have to help out victims of the deluge. And just like when Mt. Pinatubo erupted, when the earthquake hit the country, when Estrada was ousted, and when former Pres. Aquino was buried, the country was once again united.

Blame is being thrown at the government for it's unpreparedness and slow action during the calamity. But in my opinion, no one is to be blamed for this tragedy. Every once in awhile, mother nature does things to remind us we need to take care of our environment. We shouldn't throw our garbage on rivers, maintain our drainage systems. We shouldn't rely too much on the government things that we ourselves can do.

We learn our lessons in calamities like this, but then again we tend to forget the morals learned from these situations. I guess the challenge here really is to remember the lessons we learned from all of this and to not let this happen again.

After the storm, I knew that alot shall be written about this ordeal. But I thought that not everything posted about it should be sad or gloomy or tragic. Like with everything else, this too shall pass.

KWENTONG ONDOY

September 26, 2009, 3:00pm

Walang tigil ang ulan, halos tatlong oras pa lang, mataas na ang tubig sa amin. Ang sabi ng mga kapitbahay, sa labas ng village namin hanggang baywang na ang baha. Ilang oras na lang, kapag hindi pa tumila ang ulan papasukin na ang tahanan namin.

Sabi ng nanay, iakyat na raw ang mga gamit at baka masira ang mga kagamitan sa bahay. Sa tulong ng mga kapatid, ng katulong at ng tatay, naiakyat namin ang aming mga kasangkapan sa ikalawang palapag ng aming tahanan. Kinuha ko ang mga gamit na hindi ko pwedeng iwan. Ang cellphone. Ang laptop. Ilang mga damit. Mga charger at mga litratong hindi dapat masira. Nilagay ko sa bag ko, kung sakali mang pasukin ang bahay namin.

Alas-kwatro ng hapon. Pumasok na sa bahay namin ang tubig baha. At mabilis itong tumataas. Sabi ng nanay, umakyat na kami.

Taos puso kaming nagdarasal sa Panginoon para tumigil ang ulan. Lumuluha na ang aking ama. Sa unang pagkakataon, nakita ko ang takot sa kanyang mga mata.

Hindi pa rin tumitigil ang ulan.

Lumabas ako sa aking kwarto upang tingnan kung gaano kataas na ang tubig, at nagulat ako, na nasa ikatlong baitang na sa aming hagdanan ang tubig ulan at mabilis pa itong tumataas.

Tatlumpung minuto at dalawang baitang pa ang itinaas nito. Sa loob lang ng dalawang oras, kapag hindi pa humupa ang ulan maaaring pati ang ikalawang baitang ng bahay namin ay abutin na rin ng ulan.

Ngayon lang ako natakot sa buong buhay ko. Mabuti na lang at nasa tabi ko si Figaro. Ang aso naming anim na taon nang kasama namin.

Si Figaro ay isang Labrador. Unang asong may lahi na aking naalagaan. Sa kanya napunta ang unang bonus ko. Mabait si Figaro, marunong siyang umupo, tumayo, magpanggap na patay at napapasaya ang kung sino man sa pamilya naming nalulungkot. Anim na taon niya kaming kasama at lahat ng pinagdaanan kong kalungkutan, siya ay naging saksi. Ngayong nababalot ng takot ang pakiramdam namin, nagawa nanaman niyang pagaangin ang loob ko.

Alas siyete ng gabi, matapos namin kumain ng pamilya, nagulat kami ng ang aming mga paa ay mabasa ng tubig.

Sabi ng aking ama, kailangan na naming umakyat sa bubong. Hindi na maisasalba ang aming mga gamit. Kapag hindi kami lumabas, lahat kami'y malulunod sa loob ng bahay namin.

Mahirap lumabas, at kailangang sirain ang bintana namin. Unang umakyat ang aking ama, sinundan ni nanay. Pinauna ko na rin ang dalawang nakababatang kapatid at ang katulong. Sa mga oras na iyon, hanggang tuhod na ang tubig sa amin. Hindi ako makapaniwala na sobrang taas aabutin ang baha sa amin. Ni minsan ay hindi umabot ng ganito kataas ang tubig ulan. Grabe talaga ang hagupit ni inang kalikasan.

Woof woof!!! Natatarantang tawag sa akin ni Figaro. Hindi mapakali ang aso ko, halatang hindi alam ang gagawin. Nakapatong siya sa lamesa na ilang minuto na lang ay maabot na ng tubig ulan.

Tinangka kong buhatin ang aso para iabot sa pamilya, ngunit sa sobrang laki nito ay hindi kakayaning kunin ito. Hindi na niya alam ang gagawin kundi tumahol sa akin para humingi ng tulong. Ayaw ko naman na ilabas siya at baka anurin ng agos ng baha. Napgatong patong na lang ako ng ilang lamesa para doon ipatong ang aso. Umaasang hindi ito mababasa kapag tumigil na ang bagyo.

"I'm sorry." ang tanging nasabi ko kay Figaro. Nilalamig na ako. Mabigat man sa loob, kailangan ko nang iwan ang aso para iligtas ang buhay ko. Kumakahol ang aso ko, at sa gitna ng ulan hindi ko mapigilang tumulo ang luha.

"Kuya, si Figaro?" tanong sa akin ng bunso.

"I'm sorry." lang ang kayang sabihin ng puso ko.

Naririnig ko ang mga kahol ng aso ko. Umuungol. Umiiyak. Lahat kami umiiyak. Hindi dahil sa wala na ang mga gamit namin, kundi para sa aso naming wala kaming magawa para tulungan siya. Si Figaro na hindi nagsawang pakinggan ang mga problema namin. Na walang sawang pagaanin ang loob namin.

Walang tigil ang tahol ng aso namin.

Isang mahabang ungol.

Alas diyes ng gabi, tanging galit na galit na pag-agos ng tubig na lang ang naririnig namin. Nanlalamig. Nanlulumo. Nalulungkot. Ito ang pinakamahabang gabi ng buhay namin.

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Hindi lang tahanan at buhay ng tao ang nawala matapos dumaan ang bagyong Ondoy. Sa lahat ng pamilya ng mga nasawi, nawalan ng tahanan at ng mga mahal sa buhay, iniaalay namin ang aming mga panalangin.

BLOG OBSERVATIONS

Although Engel's been in the blogosphere for more than three years now, it's only lately that he's really visited online journals of people like him. While he did follow a number of gay blogs in the past, he was mostly approached or was befriended by the straight crowd.

You see in the past, when Engel clicked on a blog owned by a queer guy, what popped up immediately were pictures of naked men. Now he wouldn't have that because he only had access to the internet at work. And as a person of position in the past, he can't risk having his rep stained. Not that there's anything wrong with being gay, but he's already known as a manly man.

He only found a few noteworthy "queer" blogs. He didn't really look that much before because he did meet some cool people. Straight, yet interesting nonetheless.

But now that he's fully immersed himself as an out-of-the-closet blogger (although he's yet to reveal his other persona), he thinks it's high time to write what he's observed about this side of the blogosphere.

EMO MUCH
Not since he read a female's blog has he read aLOT of emo posts. As much as possible he tries to avoid emo posts as he finds it contagious, but then it's usually a trend. One blogger writes an emo post today, then it'll be followed by five others tomorrow. Boo hoo, I'm single. My crush turned out to be straight. My partner and I broke up, we made up again, and then we'll break up again tomorrow. I'll end up alone huhuhu. Oh wait, that's me. But sometimes it's just too much. There are even those who don't even seem to post anything other than depressing stories. Engel does not dislike them, he understands that sometimes blogs are created so that a person can air out his problems. But if the only thing you're doing about the problem is writing about it, then that's just not right.

SEXY MUCH
Straight men don't write about their sexploits often. Carrie Bradshaw is a fictional character, who disappointingly is not prevalent among female bloggers. But gay writers can't seem to stop talking about sex. Not that it's wrong. Engel sometimes touches himself while reading other blogger's sexual exploits. Now Engel's said that he created this blog so he can write without inhibitions, but it's highly doubtful he'll ever post his adventures in detail. Not because he's not getting any, but because he just can't. He's totally fine reading these posts, this is just his observation.

OCEAN DEEP
While alot of queer writers tend to be shallow, there are more than are deep. As in 'ocean deep'. Honestly, sometimes Engel comments for the sake of writing one, but truthfully, he understood nothing of what he read. Oftentimes he'd not even worry about commenting at all. One time, a blog was too deep, it took Engel a couple of readthroughs before he realized that the writer posted about his most recent sexploit. What's up with that? He's fine reading highfaluting words, he knows how to navigate webster.com. Of course he respects those writers, that's their home and they have the right to post whatever they want. If a person doesn't like what he reads or he doesn't understand the words, he can always opt not to go back. No one forces people to visit their blogs.

It's only been two months since he decided to read more blogs written by people like him, so he's not even sure if this is pretty accurate. But this post is not meant to insult writers. He has too much respect for these people for their honesty and for being who they are and not being afraid to share it with the world. Sometimes he wishes he could be like them and not be afraid, but he's still got alot to learn. And alot more to experience.

ONLINE LOVE AFFAIR

I was asked by a colleague who knows that I'm an active blogger if it is possible for a person to fall in love just reading the works of others here in the blogosphere. I think she wants to use this as a means for her to find true love.

I immediately said yes. It is possible. I remember one time when I was still active with my old blog. I wrote about my imperfections and there was someone brave enough to ask me out on a date. It turns out the reader found me interesting. But I did not reply. I was writing as a straight guy back then.

Let's face it, this world is full of really talented writers, creative poets, romantics and uber cheesy bloggers. At one point or another, you'll find him or her attractive. Maybe not physically. But intellectually you find yourself fascinated and interested in the person behind the written works.

I think I'm being idealistic. I have honestly never heard of a love story that came out of blogging. I've never met a blogger who met someone and fell in love through this medium. Scratch that, I know of only one. They're a straight couple though, so they're really not that interesting.

But it is possible to be attracted with just the writer's words. If you ask me, I could name a few people in the blogosphere (not just on my bloglist here) that I'm attracted to intellectually. I like the way they write. I love their wordplays. I'm at awe with their wit and I'm spellbound by their stories. It's sort of a crush on a different level.

I've never met any of them personally, and other than exchanging comments here and there, we have no other means of communicating with each other.

Realistically speaking, I don't dwell too much on these crushes. I know most of the time, people who write under pseudonyms don't necessarily reflect what they really are in person. Sometimes a blog is just a way for a writer to become what he or she wants to be. When in real life they're far from what they say they are on their works.

This medium is still young. Alot has yet to happen. If history taught us one important lesson is that nothing really is impossible. I'd be lying if I say I'm not hoping to find the one here. Although, that's not the main purpose of my putting up this home of mine. But if finding the one here is what is fated, then that's just the icing on the cake.

ONE-WAY STORY

Once upon a time, Engel was a fan of chatting, back in the days when mirc was the king, no one knows g4m, and friendster was the country's facebook. He wouldn't dare go home after work without passing by the village's lone computer shop just to chat. He was an addict.

He didn't really meet alot of people like him back then. He was scared. And he was an insecure mess after his first major heartbreak. He chatted not because he was looking for an easy hook-up, but because he was looking for love.

He did go out for eyeballs, if he thought that the person he met was decent enough or at least interesting. But generally, he was fine having people fall for him over the phone and have it end there.

But one lonely pre-valentine's week, Engel got really lonely. He went to the 13th newest computer shop in their area. He did not leave until he got a telephone number, and he was not disappointed. He got a guy's cellphone number.

The texting was fine. They both had the same interests. The same hobbies. They thought that they were really compatible to each other.

Then came Valentine's Day. The textmate was really lonely that day. He did not have a date. So he invited Engel out. Engel was hesitant. He doesn't go out on Valentine's Day. Finds it too cheesy. But then the thought of spending Valentine's night with someone was too tempting to pass up. So he agreed.

His big mistake was not calling first to get a feel of what kind of guy he's about to meet. Specially because the textmate was ballsy enough to invite himself over to Engel's house.

So the time came for the eyeball. Engel prepared for it. He had his hair cut and all that. So the evening of their meeting, he was kinda eager to meet up with the textmate. The guy described how he looked like. What he was wearing and how he will be recognized. Lo and behold, what he saw was something he didn't expect. This guy who said he was straight looking and manly turned out to be the total opposite. He looked like a parlorista with too much foundation.

Suffice to say, Engel decided to pass him by. He looked the guy in the eye and walked right by him. He did a one way. His first. His last.

Obviously, the guy got mad. He tried to hunt Engel down. Threatening him that he'll have his uncle from NBI pick him up and throw him in jail. He even got close to finding out who he was. He doesn't know how, but he found out the details of Engel's cousin. Thankfully, the guy was stupid enough to believe that the identity of the person who stood him up was the actual guy's cousin.

Engel did not open his cellphone for almost a month.

And that's how Engel learned not to go one way on his dates. And that's also how Engel got over his chat addiction.

SUB-ZERO

Sub-zero ang tawag kay Katrina.

Palaban. Hindi nagpapakita ng nararamdaman. Pusong yelo. Malamig. Walang pakiramdam.

Tamang-tama sa trabaho niya. Abogada. Hindi siya dapat madaling madala ng emosyon. Mga talunan lang ang nadadala ng ganun. Bawal umiyak sa harap niya. Mahihina lang ang umiiyak. At walang puwang sa mundo niya ang mga mahihina. Ang mga talunan.

Pinalaki siya ng mga manhid na magulang. Sundalo ang ama. Doktora ang ina. Parehong hindi siya nakita habang lumalaki. Parehong kagalingan ang hinihingi sa kanya. Siya dapat ang pinakamataas ang grado. Ang pinakamahusay sa klase. Ang numero uno. Yun lang ang kailangan para iparamdam nila na mahal nila ang anak.

Dinala ni Katrina ang ugaling ito hanggang sa pagtanda. Hindi kuntento hangga't hindi siya ang pinaka. Kahit sa mga kapares nito, kailangan katulad niya. Pinakamagaling. Pinakamatalino. Malayo ang narating.

Isang araw nagising si Katrina na wala siyang makitang katulad niya. Kung meron man, iniiwan din siya. Hindi siya kayang tagalan. Hindi naiintindihan ang ugali niya.

Hindi niya malaman kung ano ang pagkukulang niya. Maganda siya. Matalino. Magaling sa kama. Pero bakit walang nagmamahal sa kanya?

Tatanda ba siya na mag-isa?

Isang gabi, sa gitna ng sayawan, hindi niya nakayanan. Walang nagnanais na isayaw siya.

Sa unang pagkakataon, nangilid ang luha ni Katrina. Mag-isa lang siya, habang ang lahat ay nagsasaya.

Sa unang pagkakataon, bumigay siya.

Sa unang pagkakataon, natunaw ang yelo.

Umiyak siya.

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Para sa isang kaibigan. Walang masama na ipakita ang iyong kahinaan. Wala rin masama na humingi ng tulong sa iba. Hindi yun nakakahiya. Maging matapang ka lang. Madaming nagmamahal sa'yo.

Kaya mo yan.

SOUR GRAPES

"So, I didn't make the cool group. It doesn't matter. I'm smarter than those people."

Bitter? Sourgraping? Or just seeing the positive things in life?

That's not Engel, by the way. He overheard this at work. This was said in a kinda hopeful tone. But the person looked kinda disappointed and irritated. Hmmm. Funny how body language tends to betray the words and the speaker.

And what's so special with hanging out with the cool people anyway? High school's been over years ago.

Engel really dislikes these kind of co-workers. Whiny. Pessimistic. Irritating. You see, this co-worker is a new hire. One of the very few. Anyway, so on our new unit, where we're all training, almost all of us have been with the company for at least more than a year now. Then here she comes new hire, giving us an attitude.

You might say, she's "feeling close" with everyone. She always bums a stick of cigs during breaks from everyone. And she looks at people as if she's superior than everyone. She hasn't even proven anything to anyone yet. She doesn't even participate in activities.

Engel's not a part of the cool group, and he doesn't really care about cliques since he gets along with everyone (except for that asshat of a colleague). He just found that statement really off. The girl doesn't know everyone, and she judges all just like that. That's just wrong.

Sukdulan na nga ang kapangitan niya. Ang panget pa ng ugali niya.

MURTAUGH LIST

The Murtaugh list is a list of things a person is too old to do. I got this from How I Met Your Mother. You see Mr. Murtaugh, from the Lethal Weapon series, played hilariously by Danny Glover is the senior between the two cops (him and Mel Gibson). So anyway they often go after bad guys the extreme way and Murtaugh always end up saying "I'm too old for this shit." Hence the list of things, one's too old to do.

Okay, so here's my list of things I'm too old for.

• Start smoking.
• Experiment on illegal substances.
• Have sex with minors.
• Be a fan of the Jonas Brothers, Miley Cyrus and Hannah Montana.
• For pamorningan drinking sessions.
• To not have voted yet.
• To climb up and hang out on treetops.

There may be more, I can't think of anything else at the moment. But of course there are things you'll never be too old to do.

• Laugh at those crazy cartoons,
• To have awesome time doing crazy stuff with your friends.
• To start a new hobby.
• Change your lifestyle.
  
• Start saving money.
• And to fall in love.

What's on your Murtaugh List?

REPOST: KWENTONG COLLEGE

Nanunuod ako sa tv ngayon ng UAAP Cheerdance Competition, kaya nainspire ako magrepost ng mga kwentong college. Paborito ko tong palabas na 'to kapag UAAP season. Siguro more than sa laban ng ADMU vs DLSU (kasi di naman ako estudyante ng dalawang eskwelang iyon. Pero yay at laglag La Salle sa finals!!!

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Etong huling apat na taon ng pagkakaroon ko ng baon ang aking pinakapaboritong baitang ng pag-aaral. Marahil eh dahil sa sobrang nagkaroon ako ng kalayaan dito kesa nung nasa hayskul at elementarya ako. Malayo ang bahay ko sa pinag-aaralan ko, kaya pwede kong gawin ang gusto ko, na hindi natatakot na may magsusumbong sa magulang ko sa mga kalokohang pinaggagagawa ko (as if naman meron).

Pero, ang isa sa nagustuhan ko, eh nagbalik ang talino ko. Noong nakaraan eh medyo nalunod ako sa gitna ng nagdadamihang mahuhusay na mga kaklase, pero nung kolehiyo ako, eh madalas na akong napupunta sa Top Ten at nagkakaroon ng certificate sa pagiging Dean's List.

Pero kahit ganun, eh medyo feeling ko eh out of place ako. Paano naman kasi, noong mga panahong iyon, eh tahimik akong tao at mahiyain ng sobra, pero ang kurso na kinuha ko eh Marketing Management, na HINDI para sa mga maninipis ang balat. Sabi ko, dadaanin ko na lang sa aking creativity ang kursong ito. Pero nagpapasalamat pa rin ako, kasi kung di dahil dun, di ko matututunang makihalubilo sa ibang tao.

O siya, ang haba nanaman ng intro ko, umpisahan na natin to...

FIRST YEAR COLLEGE
Mga bagong mukha, pero parehong kasarian pa rin ang mga nakahalubilo. Ibig sabihin nito, mula grade one hanggang 4th year college, eh all-boys ang paaralan ko. Dito ko unang narealize na hindi ako marunong makihalubilo sa mga babae, nang magkaroon kami ng soiree, eh halos isang oras kaming hindi nag-uusap ng kapartner ko. As in titigan all around lang. Siguro, dahil hindi rin kasi kagandahan masyado si Cindy, kaya di ko siya pinapansin. Pero kahit na, that's not an excuse.

Unang taon pa lang, eh napasama na ako sa isang road trip kasama ng aking mga kaklase. Nagpunta kami sa resort ng kaklase kong si Richard Mari (mag-eevolve yan... just wait and see). Di ko na alam kung ano yung topic ng subject namin, kung bakit namin naisip mag roadtrip, pero alam ko nagswimming lang kami, at nagtrekking dun sa Laguna. At ang project namin eh wala talagang kinalaman sa ginawa namin. Wala lang, getting to know each other moments lang ang naging drama namin.

Mga taong tumatak ang personality para sa akin... sina Tedd (di mo alam kung talagang henyo ba, kasi parang maypagkamay sayad din ang ugali minsan), Jerome (na lider-lideran ng buong klase), Brian (ang pinakaclose ko na kaibigan ng buong college life ko), Arvee (na mistulang fan ko, na sobrang taas ng tingin sakin, ewan ko kung bakit) at si Pox (nag-iisang tao na galing sa parehong high school na pinanggalingan ko.

SECOND YEAR COLLEGE
Isang araw noong kolehiyo, eh naisipan ng homeroom class namin, na magkaroon ng Family Day nang magkakilanlan ang mga pamilya naming mga magkakaklase dahil block section kami. Isinama ni Tedd ang pinsan yang Bb. Pilipinas winner na si Colette. Dun sa party, may misa, at pag may misa, may Ama Namin. Syempre diba holding hands ang drama pag yun ang kinakanta. Si JR, ang pinalad na katabi ni Colette. Ang loko, ngayon lang nakatabi sa isang pageant winner eh nanginginig sa kabuuan ng kanta. As in ang kamay eh parang tinamaan ng Intensity 7 na lindol sa panginginig.

Eto ang taon na una kaming nagkaroon ng seryosong term paper project at defense. Dahil nga medyo nerdy ang perception sakin ng mga kaklase ko, eh ako ang nagsulat ng papel namin, tapos ang mga kaklase ko ang nakakuha ng mas mataas na puntos kasi ako tahimik lang nung defense. Sabi ko, di na mauulit yung ganun, kaya iba na ang team na sinasamahan ko matapos nun.

Nagsimula na rin akong magkaroon ng nightlife nitong taon na ito. Kasi literal na gabi na natatapos ang klase namin. Alas-9 ng gabi!!! Dahil mukhang mayaman si Richard, eh ilang beses siyang nahold-up sa Recto. Mangilan-ngilan na rin sa mga kaklase ko ang nagkakotse.

As usual nainggit ako, kaya nag-aral akong mag-drive. Pero tinigil ko rin ang pangarap na magkaroon ng kotse, nang isang beses habang nagpapractice ako, eh muntik na akong patayin ng tatay ko. Galit siya dahil excited akong ipark yung kotse namin, di pa pala bukas yung gate.

THIRD YEAR COLLEGE
Nakaalitan ko ang isa kong mabuting kaibigan na si Pau dahil sa pila sa McDonald's. Pero nagkabati din kami kapaskuhan. Tapos nag-away nanaman kami ilang buwan after nun, sa parehong kadahilanan. Akala mo, pagdating mo ng College eh mawawalan ka ng mga kaibigang parang bata mag-isip.

Hindi ko naenjoy masyado ang Christmas break noon dahil yun yung panahon na natuto akong magyosi. Ang tapang ko noon, at unang stick ko eh Philip Morris. Kinagabihan, nagsimula akong lagnatin. Isang linggo bago ako gumaling. Di na ako humithit ng yosi matapos nun (juts na lang).
Eto rin ata yung taon na sumali ako sa Weakest Link. Naging celebrity ako sa klase namin dahil dun. Pero di dahil sa nanalo ako, kundi dahil natanggal ako sa katangahan ko. Hindi yun dahil sa wala akong nasagot, pero may nangyari dun sa palabas na naging dahilan kaya ako ang nagwalk of shame.

Si Richard Mari, na naging Richard, ngayon ay tinatawag na ngayong Marie. Tuluyan nang nagladlad ang loko. Nagsimula na rin akong mangolekta ulit ng komiks nitong mga panahon na ito. Nakikipagpustahan ako sa nanay ko na sa tuwing makakakuha ako ng average na 1 point something sa aking mga grado, eh may baon increase ako na pinambibili ko lang ng komiks.

FOURTH YEAR COLLEGE
Height ng katarantaduhan years ko ang huling taon ko sa kolehiyo. Dahil konti na lang ang units ko sa klase nitong mga panahon na ito, eh may mga araw na wala akong pasok. Pero umaalis pa rin ako, para magkaroon ng baon na ginagamit ko lang para manuod ng sine. Dumami rin ang mga imaginary projects ko, para makahingi lang ng konting increase sa baon ko, para pambili ng komiks. Oo na, masama na ugali ko noon, pero sinisigurado ko naman na napapalitan yang mga panggagago ko, kasi buong taon eh Dean's Lister ako.

Nagsimula na rin akong mag-ojt sa isang bangko sa Makati. Ang trabaho ko noon eh maggupit ng mga clippings tungkol sa kahit anong may kinalaman sa mga bangko. Taga-xerox. Tagabilang ng mga kiddie bags na pinamimigay sa mga nagbubukas ng kid's account sa bangko. Taga-solve ng hindi mabuong salita ng mga katrabaho sa Text Twist at higit sa lahat, ang pangunahing manunulat sa Newsletter ng buong kumpanya. Nang nawala ako, nawala na rin ang newsletter.

Ito rin yung taon na natuto akong maglaro ng baraha. Nagpapaiwan sa klase hanggang hatinggabi dahil naglalaro kami ng mga kaklase ko ng pusoy dos, tong-its, bluff at monkey-monkey. Lahat yun may pustahan.

Napagtripan din ako ng mga kaklase ko nitong taon na ito na gawing officer ng klase. Nominado ako sa halos lahat ng posisyon noon, pero talo hanggang sa posisyon ng secretary. Paano ba naman, yung mga kalaban ko dun sa pagiging presidente at bise eh mga gwaping, ano naman laban ko dun. Tapos sa pagkasekretarya, kalaban ko bading, di ko alam kung bakit ako nanalo dun, eh ang panget kaya ng sulat ko. Pero okay lang, pandagdag din sa resume ko yun.

Nagtapos ako nitong taon na ito na may medalya, kaya sobrang proud sakin ng aking angkan. Tatatlo pa lang kaming nakatapos ng kolehiyo sa loob ng apat na taon. Yung iba, kundi nagdrop out, eh inabot ng 6 o 7 taon bago nakatapos. Pero, habang yung iba kong pinsan eh nag-abroad para magtrabaho, naging modelo, nag-asawa ng mayaman... tapos ako bagsak call center.

ANECDOTES ON ATTRACTION

By the standard of good-looking, Engel probably wouldn't fall under that category. Specially with the PLU crowd. Speaking by experience, and he's not being bitter, he's turned off the ugliest gay guy he's known. Not that he's saying that he's ugly, because that's not true either.

What he is, is the 'but' guy. People tend to say, "Engel's cute, but..." or "he's handsome but..." He's that kind of guy.

And with that, he often attracts a different set of people. He's not complaining, he appreciates that. Boosts his ego a little and gives him a glimmer of hope that he won't end up being happy single. That he may be happy with someone in the future.

But then, like what was said earlier, he tends to attract a different kind of crowd when talking about those who crushes on him. This post may sound a little bratty, but you probably already know that he's an idiot. So bear with him, you've already read four paragraphs. What's a few more, right?

Going back to the topic, this post is supposed to enumerate people who, shall we say fell for Engel.

THE HOUSEHOLD HELP
Yeah, at one point in time, their neighbor's maid was really pining for him. He knows because the girl was very vocal about that. There was even one day when Engel got home from school, she called on him "kuya, gusto mo ng pan de coco?" sabay kindat. That kind of freaked him out a little. A lot actually. That was creepy. He found out later on that she eloped with some other neighbor's helper. He doesn't go out of the house anymore so he wouldn't know if he still has it. But he'd rather not know.

THE PARLORISTA
I have nothing against them, in all honesty. Engel's gay too, but they're just not his type. His friends told him to try them out, he could probably live off their generosity, but Engel's not that kind of guy. Anyway, a few years ago a block from their house was a beauty saloon ran by a couple of really colorful gays. The saloon was beside the basketball court so the owners really hit jackpot when it comes to men. But then one of the two parlorista's don't really bother with those sweaty players. He'd pick on Engel. Winking at him, blowing kisses, and offering free services (hair and facial and not another kind of service). Engel will often politely decline, but the gay guy would still not quit. So Engel just ignored him. One day the parlor closed down and never saw the guy again.

THE MATRON
A few weeks ago, Engel watched District 9 in Glorietta. You know how the cinemas there often have reserved seating. Engel likes looking like a nerd. He often wears eyeglasses even if he has 20/20 vision. Anyway, on that day, he was seated next to an older lady. Probably in her 40's early 50's. The older lady never sat still during the entirety of the film so Engel doesn't know if anything's wrong with her. Until the middle of the movie, he felt a finger running through his arm. It was the lady. She never looked at Engel, just ran her finger. He froze. He went to the washroom after and looked for an empty seat to occupy. That scared the hell out of him. She didn't even looked like a cougar.

THE FELLOW NERD
Engel is a self-confessed geek. He boasts of his huge collection of comicbooks and his love of perfumes and video games where he previously worked. So naturally, he'd attract someone who shares the same interests. Unfortunately, that someone is a girl. Engel was a Team Lead back then, and he'd often bother his reps just to get the some juicy info on his people. The fortunate rep he picked on was the nerdy girl who was all quiet and shy. He'd harass her to find out who her crush was. Lo and behold it was Engel. Soon after, she started sending sweet messages and giving him gifts and leaving comments on his friendster account. From then on, he learned to shut his mouth and mind his own business.

THE HEALTHY LADIES
His recent count is four. Two of them he became friends with. One is currently a colleague, and the other one was a reader of his other blog. His straight blog. She had the tenacity to find Engel's facebook, friendster, ym and email address. She works for the same company he's in. Engel doesn't want to ever show himself to that girl because he knows that there's something kinda off about her. She'd often leave a message on his outlook telling him how sad and lonely she is, how she needs to be with someone. There's nothing wrong with that, and he's really tempted to tell her the truth about himself, but he doesn't like to risk giving away his secret where he's working. There's nothing wrong about people finding out his sexual preference, but he'd like to keep status quo for the meantime.

**********
If this sounds kinda mean, Engel apologizes. He doesn't mean to offend anyone. He's writing this post to stroke his ego. He'd rather write something like this than be all emo and depressing.

NAYT SHIFT

Tatlong araw pa lang akong pumapasok ng panggabi, pero nabuburaot na ako. Ang hirap matulog sa umaga. Magigising ka sa tanghali, at hindi ka na makakatulog ulit. Tapos gustuhin mo mang gumimik pagkatapos ng trabaho mo, hindi mo naman magawa kasi wala pang bukas na kahit ano.
Di ko yata kakayaning uminom ng madaling araw. Nag-uumpisa na nga ako magyosi na hindi ko naman talaga gawain (yan di ko sinisisi sa schedule ko). At di dapat kalimutan, papasok ka sa gitna ng rush hour. Ang trapik!!! Hindi ako sanay!!!

Sabi ng kaklase ko, masasanay din ako. Dapat lang. Hindi kasi pwede na ganito na lang palagi. Pinili kong lumipat. Dapat kayanin ko. Kahit sobrang at home na ako sa petiks kong buhay sa dati kong unit, pinili ko pa ring guluhin ang mundo ko.

Iniisip ko na lang pera din to. Kumpleto night differential. Mga bagong mukhang makakatrabaho. Mas maraming responsibilidad, kaya di mabobobo utak ko. Tapos wala na ring pipilit sakin na pumasok ng sixth day OT. Isama mo nang mas maraming holiday ang Estados Unidos kesa New Zealand. At kapag pinalad pa, pag napromote ka, syempre more moolah. Pero syempre kailangan ko muna magpabibo.

Feeling ko call center na call center ang trabaho ko.

Kakayanin ko to.

Good luck.

Penge pa nga yosi!!!

CHURCHGOER

The last time Engel was inside the church on a Sunday was July of 2004. Five years. And prior to that, the last time he went to church on a Sunday would be in high school. Or maybe grade school, Engel doesn't remember. Well, probably high school, so he could then go out with his friends after.

That doesn't mean he doesn't go to church. On the contrary, back in college he was a patron of St. Jude (specially during the midterms and finals season). That's how he got through and finished college, prayer.

He's not an atheist. He believes in God. He prays. He knows some of the saints and is familiar with alot of church songs. He just doesn't like going to Sunday mass. No particular reason, really.

He's probably not the only guy who does that. Not really sure where he got it from. His father's extremely religious. Always going to mass on Sundays. Their family were really like that. Maybe Engel got that from his mother. She's a non-practicing Catholic, but that's because she really wasn't originally a Christian. But then again, his mom sometimes goes with his dad to church. Engel doesn't... ever.

Upon realization, he thinks the reason why he doesn't go to church, is that he'll only be committing more sins there. He'll probably just scan for guys that he likes. He might just sleep through the sermon, and probably not listen to the words that will be said. He doesn't even remember the parts of the mass. He'll definitely condemn himself more to eternal damnation if he goes there.

The thing is, although he doesn't hear mass on Sundays. He does go to church. He goes to St. Jude to pray. To say thanks. To talk to God. To say sorry for his shortcomings. He appreciates his blessings. Whenever he can, he pays the good things he receives forward to other people. And when he does go to church or to mass, he makes sure that he focuses only on the person up there.

Engel's not a churchgoer, probably never will be. But then that's because he doesn't really believe that going to church will save your soul. He believes it all depends on you. How you live your life. You can always go to church regularly, but if you still do things that aren't necessarily good, then that devoids the whole hearing mass thing. It just makes one a hypocrite.

WHO ELSE HATES THE RAIN?

You know how people get sentimental or emo during the rainy season? Well I've been like that this past weekend.

Rain and How I Met Your Mother is really a bad combination. It makes one think. A lot. But don't get me wrong, I'm not sad. It's just that there are certain things, questions that now lingers in my mind. A fear perhaps.

While not active, I do go out with people. I try to meet others just like me in hopes of meeting the one. Unfortunately, the one's being elusive. I mean that's fine, the journey to finding him or her is worth it, I think. But sometimes I can't help but feel tired of waiting.

I know I'm not the only person who feels this way. Sometimes we envy people who've met the person that they're meant to be with. It makes us question how long we have to wait, or if there really is someone out there for us.

I thought about waiting for someone to come along because everytime I start looking, that's when I don't find anyone. The people I met, I met by chance. The people I meet when I was looking, none of them stayed.

Maybe there's something wrong with me. Maybe I have too much expectations. Maybe my standards are high. But the time will come. The person who will accept me regardless my flaws, my hang-ups, my craziness will be here. I just have to keep myself occupied while waiting.

Like Stella said, he's probably on his way, he's just stuck in the heavy traffic caused by the rain.

CLASS OF '99

Maalala ko, ngayong taon pala dapat icelebrate ng klase ko ang aming ika-sampung taong anibersaryo mula nang kami'y magtapos nang hayskul. Matagal na akong nagsabi sa mga kaklase ko noon na magkaroon kami ng kahit na munting pagtitipon man lang para sa okasyong ito. Pero mukhang malabong mangyari ito ngayong 2009. Kunsabagay, hindi pa naman tapos ang taon. Malay natin bago magpasko mangyari ito.

Noong isang buwan ata, eh naitag ako ni Pareng Drake para magsulat ng mga kwentong mag-aaral. Sa totoo lang, hindi naman talaga ako gumagawa ng tag, at hindi ito ang sagot ko sa tag na iyon. Ngalang, naisip ko kasi marami pa rin pala akong hindi naikukwento tungkol sa buhay ko noong hayskul ako. At marami pa akong hindi naikukwento tungkol sa mga kaklase ko. So dito, ilalaglag ko sila. Isa lang naman kasi ang kilala kong kaklase kong nagbabasa nito.

**********
Noong hayskul ako, ang pinakaayaw ko na class activity ang reporting. Paganapin niyo na ako ng babae sa mga role playing activity pero ayaw ko talaga na magreport sa harap ng klase. Sa totoo lang sa buong paglalagi ko sa hayskul isang beses lang ako nagreport sa klase. Parepareho kaming natrauma ng mga kaklase ko sa ginawa ko noon.

Sa Biology class kasi namin, nirequire ng guro namin na magkaroon kami ng individual report tungkol sa mga rock formation. Ako, bilang aanga-anga talaga sa science, hindi pinaghandaan yung report ko. Actually, pinaghandaan ko siya, nakahighlight yung mga importante kong dapat sabihin, at nakabullet yung mga topics ko. Pero pagdating nung araw ng reporting, binasa ko yung 4-page na research ko tungkol sa coke on rock formation (hindi coke na inumin). 40 minutes akong nagbasa ng research ko, na hindi naming lahat naintindihan (kahit yung guro ko). Anim kami sa grupo, pero ako lang yung nagsalita.

**********
Pero di lang naman ako yung nag-iisang ganun. Oo, aaminin ko ako yung pinakamalala, pero di lang ako yung may problema pagdating sa mga reporting. Meron akong kaklase, si Marc Anthony, mahusay siya talaga. Ang galing niya magreport, ang galing niya mag-english. Pero ang hilig niya sa 'uhm.' Parang every other word, uhm. Pag tinally mo yung uhms niya, 2:3. Sa bawat 3 salita may isang uhm. Meron pa, si John Michael, matatas din magsalita. Matalino. Kaya lang kapag nagrereport, ang hand gesture eh parang nagja... jabongga mag-isa. Talagang yung korte ng kamay eh parang hawak yung ano niya at nagmamaryang palad.

**********
Syempre di rin mawawala ang mga barka-barkada. Dahil all-boys school kami, malamang hindi mawawala ang mga hindi tunay na lalake. Sa klase namin, halos 1/3 sa amin eh tumitingin din sa mga kapwa lalake. Walang problema dun, actually ang klase namin ang sa tingin ko ang pinakamasayang klase noon. Ang ingay kase. Puros tawanan. Madaming rape rapean na nagaganap habang naghihintay ng guro. Tapos nabuo ng klase namin ang cast ng Gimik dahil sa kanila. Gusto ko sana isa-isahin, kaya lang di ko maalala kung sinu-sino yung mga artista sa palabas na yun (woooh, di daw!!!).

**********
Meron ding mga kontrabida syempre di mawawala yan. Unang-una na dyan ang kupal sa klase syempre. Yung kagaya ni Raymond (daw) na alam ng lahat na notorious na sipsip. Yung tipong ayaw mong ifriend kasi hindi ka rin naman pakokopyahin sa mga test. Andyan din ang mga kontrabidang mga guro gaya ni Mrs. Santos, na walang ibang alam gawin kundi pag-initan ang kanyang klase. Aawit muna kayo ng "Halina Espiritu Santo" pagkatapos aawayin kami.

**********
Syempre, ilalaglag ko na rin lahat ng mga personalidad sa klase. Si Dudoy, yung token chismosa. Si Ricardo, yung mahaderang bakla. Si Russell, yung pinakamatalino sa klase. Si Mikko, yung crush ng bayan at ng mga bakla. Si John Roben, yung sundalo ng klase. Si Zaldy yung notorious na sanggano. Si Angel, yung batang di mo alam kung may kulang na turnilyo sa ulo o talagang may pagkahenyo. Si Gian, yung batang may sariling mundo ng anime. Si Alex yung mahusay magdrawing. Si RJ, yung magaling maggitara. Si Marlon, yung laging pinagtitripan o class clown. At sina Bb. Wong, de Leon at lahat ng mga magagandang guro na dahilan mo para pumasok sa eskwela.

Tama na muna 'to. Sa susunod ulit.

HOW HE SAID GOODBYE

Joy,

Before I say goodbye, I want you to know how much I loved you. I truly cared.

From the day I met you, I hoped that something will work out between the two of us. I did not expect that I'll fall for you. You're just someone I'm supposed to take care of, professionally. Not once did I suspect that something will creep in me and I'll feel this way.

You've been a good friend. I miss being friends with you. I miss the talks, the movies, the night outs. I miss visiting you unannounced. The long text messaging we do exchanging life experiences and everything. I miss waking up to your sweet friendship quotes, and corny jokes. We've had a few phone conversations, mostly business related, but I cherish all of it.

Remember the time you went to the office to bring me lunch? I've been in relationships before, but that was the sweetest thing anyone's ever did for me. I don't think I'll ever forget it. I'll never forget you. Your name will always be etched in my heart.

But then things change. People change. I changed. I've said some things that I regret ever saying. I don't know if it was because I was jealous, or that I was just being me... stupid. You know that about me already. I appreciate that you've tried to keep things to seem the same despite the fact that things between us will never really be the same.

Remember that night you've asked to go out on a date with me? I do. But apparently, that would be the last time you'll be initiating any more conversations with me. But I know I did the right thing. You were vulnerable then, and we both would have done something we'll later on regret. I won't let that happen to us. But you saw things differently.

And now, here we are. You have your own life. I have mine. As painful it is to believe, I no longer am a part of yours. And there's nothing I can do about it. Nothing but to move on. So now I will. I will try my best, but it's not going to be easy. I know it will be painful. But in time, I know my heart will mend. Things are going to be easier. Life will go on. I will forget how painful this has been, but I won't forget you.

But I guess I should be used to saying goodbye to you. In the few years that I have known you, I've said goodbye more than once. The first time you expressed your intention of leaving us, that was the worst day of my life. Once I learned of your wish, it immediately rained. Soaked and alone, I cried. I let the raindrops hide my tears. It is the only way I can. I should be used to saying goodbye to you by now. But I'm not.

I could've been yours. But sadly, that's not our fate. Or it isn't our time.

I'll always pray for your happiness. But for now, I'll have to temporarily forget. It's been over a year. But as long as I place you on the pedestal and compare everyone that I meet to you, I'll never find my happiness. I have to let go. I have to let you go.

Goodbye. We'll see each other again soon.

I hope.
----------------------------

Joy's birthday was yesterday. It made Engel remember everything that happened between them. The feelings he had is no longer there. He reposted this, just to remind him he's already moved on.

This was the end of his love, and the beginning of their friendship.

It's just nice to be reminded that for once, Engel was human.

ENGEL DISLIKES...

There's not alot of things that Engel dislikes. He's generally a nice person. But nice people have pet peeves too. Since he's actually already sleepy now, he'll make it simple. Keep it short and simple.

HE HATES TARDINESS.
He's actually already used to that. But the thing is, most of his friends have no concept of punctuality. Engel comes to an engagement often on the agreed time, but alot of times, he's made to wait. He has a long thread of patience, but if it takes a person two hours to arrive, expect him to blow up. He has no anger issues, so he wouldn't fight with you, but he has a tendency to leave the person behind, or not talk to them at all.

HE DISLIKES ARROGANCE.
For Engel, no matter how attractive you are, if you are arrogant, you're not good on his book. The instance you show Engel even a hint of arrogance (rolling of the eyes, raising an eyebrow), expect him to show everyone how cool he could be and how excluded he can make you feel. He could be such an ass when it comes to arrogant bastards.

HE DOES NOT APPRECIATE REALLY AGGRESSIVE WOMEN.
Whores in short. Engel does not mind that a girl is kikay, but if she's overly aggressive specially with him, he'd blow up on you. He respects the other sex, in fact for a time he dated these species. But if a woman becomes too aggressive with him or with people he crushes on, he'll hate her. Call it insecurity, but he does not appreciate competition.

HE IS PARTICULAR WITH GRAMMAR
Engel may not be the most fluent english speaker (or writer), but he can carry on a straight conversation in that language. He's nitpicky in terms of grammar and can pinpoint english mistakes. He really hates it especially if a person is loud, showing off their ability to talk like an American but when you listen intently, it doesn't make any sense. They throw around idioms just for the heck of it, even if it's not appropriate.

HE HATES PESSIMISM
Expect Engel to avoid these kinds of people. Pessimism infects other people. It ruins good moods. It's a virus that Engel does not want to catch. He runs away the moment he sees a person that he knows has nothing else to say but how bad their life is. He can listen to a person vent out their problems every once in awhile, but when that person has a different problem everyday, no. He's got no energy to endure one.

Here's Engel's list, so what's your pet peeve?